Black Lesbians & Heteronormativity

When I think of relationships, I think of harmony, coexisting, sharing, and working together for the greater good of the foundation of the relationship. Whether it is two males, two females, or a male and a female, this is how relationships should be…at least to me this is how they should be. In the hetero world the man is the leader, the provider, the yada yada yada and all those other male dominated thinking’s in the relationship.  I guess that’s all well and good for them but in the lesbian community it’s sickening. 

Two women should be able to have a healthy relationship without there being a need for someone to take on the more “masculine” role and responsibilities and the other to take on the more “feminine” role and responsibilities. But for some reason there is a subset of Black Lesbians who refuse to let go of this heteronormative madness. What is it about emulating that cave man mentality that makes you feel like you’re doing something? 

If you do the dishes or clean the house, does that make you any less of a Butch/Stud or any more of a Femme? If you change the oil on the car, put up some drywall, fix a leak under the kitchen sink does that make you any less Femme or any more Butch/Stud? Does your paycheck define which “role” you should assume in the relationship? I think not! Because let’s get real here, it’s 2015 and everybody in the household needs to work to keep things functioning unless you are blessed with an unlimited amount of wealth you need to handle your business accordingly regardless of who is seen as the more dominate person in the relationship. 

And for the love of all things stop using the term Studband! What the fuck is wrong with you?!? Your FEMALE PARTNER DOES NOT GARNER THE TITLE OF “HUSBAND” OR ANY OTHER VARIATION OF THE WORD HUSBAND. SHE IS A WOMAN, NOT A MAN! For you women who insist on calling your dominate partner Daddy and having your children do the same, you need serious psychological help…for the entire family. 

There’s nothing wrong with courting and being courted. I’ve held open doors for my girlfriend just as much as she has held them open for me. I’ve picked up the tab on our dates just as much as she has. I surprise her with gifts and surprise date nights just as she has done the same for me. And guess what? We’re still 100% aware that we are women, we are comfortable being women, and we’re in this together. Our household responsibilities are ours, not one person more than the other. We acquired this together and we are going to take care of this together. Do I do some things better than her and vice versa? Of course but guess what if the other is not around that task won’t go undone waiting on the other. Roles? Ha! Role Play is for the bedroom only…

New Journeys, New Beginnings

Nina and I are officially living together. You never know how much stuff two people truly have until it’s time to pack up and move. Let’s just say I ended up throwing away a lot of clothes and no longer needed documents. The good news is between my place and Nina’s condo we didn’t have to buy a lot of new items because we both had items we agreed to keep. The only thing we did purchase was a new sofa and a storage unit from Ikea because we lost one of our closets with the move. 

The additional space is greatly appreciated and now that we have carpet I have to admit that the place feels more like home. The funny thing is Nina’s parents have been dying to come see the place and have even offered to help us unpack. We told them once we have gotten ourselves settled and ready to have visits we’ll call them first. 

Aside from this big step Nina and I have taken to a new beginning, I also have embarked on my own personal journey. After rocking out with Faux Locs for 6 months I have decided that Locs is something that I want and thus have begun my Locs Journey on 10/2. My loctitian is the same woman who started my friend Nikki’s locs a little over 2 years ago and her hair is flowing and beautiful. 

Here are some facts about my natural hair: (1) I have not had a relaxer since the age of 15, (2) I have mixed hair meaning it’s not your typical African-American grade of hair. If I had to narrow it down I’d say I have 3C curl pattern, (3) My hair is 1.5 inches past my shoulders. My locs were started using the Comb Coil method and when I tell you shrinkage is real, it’s no joke. My hair shrunk to about half its length. Normally when I get a style I have never had before there is a period of freaking out, but not this time. I had researched a lot of pictures and YouTube videos of comb coils and starter locs to know what to expect. Another bonus is that I bought a gang of hairbands to jazz things up during this phase. 

I’m excited about this journey and my new beginning with Nina. For once in my life things just seem to fall into place in such a way that I feel free emotionally, mentally, and physically. This time change was on my side.