Ode to Cougars

I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus thanks in large part to some changes that occurred in my life recently. My part-time school schedule is more like a fulltime school load, thus some things must take a back seat to my much required readings. Hey, I could be your Nurse someday so you’ll thank me for putting my energy into my school work instead of entertaining you via my lovely blog post.

There's just something about a woman in her 40's...

And now back to your regularly scheduled program…

Cougars: Sexually aggressive women ranging from late thirties to mid-fifties who seek out love, affection, and relationships with partners much younger than them, usually in the 18-30 crowd…And one of the main ways to make my panties drop…

Within the last 5 years, the media has been speculating on this so called Cougar Trend, but if you know like I know – and trust me you if you don’t know, you NEED TO KNOW – then you know this so called “trend” is old school knowledge. I LOVE COUGARS – did I say that loud enough? I’ve always had this thing for older women. For as long as I can remember I’ve always gravitated towards women who were at least 10-15 years older than me. When I was 16 I had a full blown relationship with a 35 year old woman and from there my journey of dating older women began. By the way, to all the critics and social workers reading this FUCK YOU, PAY ME!

I’ve always been very mature for my age which makes dating a woman in my age group a daunting task. Cougar women tend to be more cultured more sophisticated, and more educated than your average 20-something woman. When it comes to dating & relating, substance is key and Cougar women have plenty of it…and then some…I’m also over the whole club and bar scene, whereas a lot of women my age aren’t. I prefer cocktails at a lounge such as Jolly’s Piano Bar, or After 5 at the Art Museum over a wild and crazy nightclub. It was cute when I was High School, half as fun when I started college, but now it’s just daunting and pointless.

Dating a Cougar woman comes with its own set of issues, if you see them as such, like it amazes me that in 2011 the double standards of having a much younger partner still exist. Oh its okay for a 50 year old man to walk around with a 20-something partner on their arm BUT let a woman do it and she has committed the ultimate sin and is subject to harsh scrutiny. I don’t question who you’re sleeping with so don’t who I am sleeping it. Agreed? Agreed! Baggage. We all have it, whether its ex(s), financial obligations, or caring for parents, but Cougar women tend to have more of it. Hey they’ve lived longer and been through much more. Which brings me to my next point – EXPERIENCE! Yes I am talking about what goes down in the bedroom – or the kitchen, the dressing room at Nordstrom’s, your car. Women hit their sexual peak in their late 30’s and are full on when they hit the big 4 0. They become sexual energizer bunnies and the sex is AMAZINGLY INDESCRIBABLE!

What’s my preference? Over 35, under 42. But there is always exception to every rule…

How to Love: Lesson Learned or Instilled at Birth?

Love is one of the most, in my opinion, powerful emotions we possess. As singer Al Green says “love, something that can make you do wrong, do right…” Love can bring out a wide range of other emotions and psychosis. Lately, I’ve been thinking about love (and for the record I am NOT, I repeat I AM NOT in love, hell I’m barely dating) and if knowing how to give and receive love is something we really know how to do. Many claim to know how to love, yet is their way of “loving” someone correct? Does having two parents’ around make you more of a “lover” than not? Is love something we learn from failed relationships?

The more I think about love, the more I realize that – like many others – my vision or version of love probably is not the best in the world. I always knew I never wanted to be unhappy like my parent’s – one is openly unhappy, while the other has been suffering in silence for as long as I’ve been old enough to understand the ins and outs of that marriage. So my solution was to do everything not to be like them. Simple enough, right? Not so much. In trying not to be like my parent’s, I realized that I didn’t have any positive representations of love (or marriage) to mirror. Life’s easy when you know what not to do, but what about when you don’t know what to do?

Some say that a failed relationship is a good way to learn about love, others say it’s a good way to learn about the pains of love. I guess the argument is that with a failed relationship you can evaluate yourself and the people you are attracted to so you can make necessary changes in order to avoid making the same mistakes. But what if you could avoid the failed relationship and the wrong people; can you still learn how to love? Can you still learn how to avoid falling for their type?

For me, learning how and who to love is going to be a lifelong, ongoing process. It’s something I have to free my heart from its trust insecurity restraints long enough to allow me to figure out how to truly love and be in love with the right person. An elder once told me that “love is not about finding the person you want to sleep with for the rest of your life, rather finding the person who you want to fight with for the rest of your lives…”

Is You Is, Is You Ain't?

I was having a very intriguing conversation with a friend about a week ago regarding relationships. We were discussing our past relationships and the effects they have had on us, making us change our views and ways of thinking and interacting with the women we may entertain on dates. If you know me, then you are familiar with my famous statement: “I’m not ready for a relationship!”

But my friend made a very thought provoking statement: No one is ever really ready for a relationship.

The more I think about it, the more I find it hard to disagree with her. What makes you “ready” for a relationship? Some may say that if your heart is open and free – although here is another question within a question, when is your heart truly free? – you can establish a relationship. While others may say that only you know when you are ready for a relationship. But do you follow your heart or your mind? Do you listen have a certain feeling inside? Is lust enough?

Before I abandoned my old ways of thinking, having sex used to signify the beginning of a relationship for me. Sex was viewed as something to be done with someone you are having a monogamous relationship and therefore having sex with a woman I was dating meant we were no longer casual but now exclusive. Because if I was ready to have sex with you, then I was ready to be with only you. Sex no longer has that definition or distinction in my life.

If we are going to go on “feelings” alone to be the catalyst for being ready for a relationship, then I don’t have any. Let me clarify: I have absolutely no “lovey” feelings for the women I go out with. I don’t love them, I don’t hate them, I like spending time with them but that’s all I can. I don’t envision a life with them nor do I have the desire to see them exclusively. Again, I like spending time with them. Nothing more, nothing less. Am I emotionally void? I don’t think so. “When the right person comes along you’ll have all of those cliché lovey dovey feelings inside” Thanks Grandma!

I’ve been told that relationships just happen on their own; it’s something you just fall into without knowledge. I can go with that as I have had a relationship that began that way before. I guess the ultimate factor is what a relationships means to you and maybe use that as an assessment of whether you are ready for a relationship. For most, a relationship is a foundation for marriage or a long term commitment, so having their educational and career on track or out of the way is ideal and makes them relationship ready. But when you’re constantly furthering your education and making career changes, do you put off finding your true love until you feel you have accomplished your dreams?

My answer is this: When you stopping looking for something that’s when things appear. I have learned that the more you trying to search for that one perfect ideal, the more you will feel like you are looking for something that does not exist.

“…Let what you need find you…”

"Fuck You! Pay Me!" - No Business; It's Personal

GOOD GIRLS go to Heaven;
BAD GIRLS go EVERYWHERE 

My loyal readers, I know that I have missed about two weeks (or more) worth of blog material but I assure you that’s not because I don’t have anything to blog about – trust me there will always be something for me to blog about. Truth is I haven’t had the urge to do much writing because I have been caught up in a lot of self-reflection, so I decided to but the business of blogging aside this once and just make this ultra-personal

Those of you who were a part of my life last year know that I went through a break up. Now that’s normal, people break up and I’ve had them before. But this particular break up forced a lot of change within me, forced me to look at things differently especially my views on certain things, and it even made me begin the journey of my dream career.

Since the age of 16 I have been in monogamous relationship after relationship. That’s who I am  - or was – the die-hard monogamist who swore she could never date more than one person at a time because “I can’t juggle, it’s just too much work to devote the amount of time an energy I put into a relationship to more than one person.” It’s funny how things change.

I was always the “Good Girl”, the ultra-supportive, loving, caring, MRS. Type. I desired it all – the house, the kids, the status. But I never got what I wanted or needed. In a way my previous situation was an awakening for me.

It’s like I was always standing on the edge of a cliff that was bound to fall anyway, but instead of waiting around for it to crumble I was pushed over the edge. Now the normal reaction to such a thing is to try to hold onto the edge and regain your place. But not for me. I have no desire to be rescued, no desire to return to that edge, no desire to hang on. I just want to continue to fall and be, and feel free. For the first time in my life I am going to be the “Bad Girl”. I’m going to date as many people I want when I want and how I want, I’m going to flirt unforgivingly with boys with girls with whomever because I love the attention, I’m going to put myself first always, and most importantly I am going to follow my dreams and build an awesome future for myself.

For the first time in my life I feel FREE. You never know how bound you are to a certain role in life, a certain way of thinking, or certain ideals until something forces you to abandon them. So I’m sure the question is will I play the “Bad Girl” role forever? I don’t know. Some call this a phase, but what if this is who I am supposed to be?

Everyone has a breaking point. Drop someone hard enough and eventually they crack.

The Birthday List

Happy Birthday to Me! I must admit turning 27 (yes, I put my age out there. I ain’t scared) is great. I need to do this more often. One thing comes to mind – The List. You know what list I am talking about, the list of things you wanted to do/have by the time you reached a certain age.


MARRIAGE or something like it…I thought I would be “married” by now, but doesn’t every girl? In my early 20’s I was with a woman who wanted to get married complete with ceremony and all the trimmings. I agreed and we planned a beautiful wedding. Too bad we never made it down the aisle.

KIDS tailor made or adopted…I always said I wanted to have or adopt a child by the time I am 28. Well I’m 27 and nowhere near ready to raise a child. Hell I’m still raising my own inner child. I’m thinking more like 30’s is when I will bless my mother with a grandchild (one she says cannot call her Grandma. Go figure!)

CAREER or the diverted path…When I was first in college I wanted to be one thing – an Obstetrician. I fell out of love with the current trends in medicine towards birth and decided to pursue my next career goal – License to be a Bitch aka Juris Doctorate. While taking Sociology courses I decided to take the unknown diverted path. But the train is back on track and I am going to pursue my love medicine and helping others via Nursing and since I still love the Law obtaining my Juris Doctorate is not too far off from my MSN.

HOMEOWNERSHIP or renters game…The house was always going to come with the marriage, the kids and the career. But since everything else is on an extended plan so is the house as SOCIAL SERVICES DOESN’T PAY SHIT! Once I become a Nurse I’m going to get my first home and work my way up to that mansion on the hill.

TATTOOS and other unmentionable things…I always thought I would have my first and possibly second tattoo by now. I’ve had several piercings but the only thing is missing is my tattoo experience. I can’t even say there is a valid excuse as to why I do not have it now but please believe that I will have one by this time next year.

All in all, I have to admit I like where I am in life. I’ve made some mistakes, learned some very valuable lessons, outgrew some friends, and gained some better ones, disregarded my family and bonded with an entirely new one. At 27 I am proud to say simply that LIFE IS GOOD!

Married Women: Forbidden Fruit or Fair Game?

Recently the topic of straight married women who are curious about Lesbianism has come up a lot. And when I say a lot I mean like deep conversations with those I am very close to and a random proposition from a married woman. We’ll discuss that one later.

I have always believed that sexuality is more fluid within in women than in men. I could be wrong, but I think over the course of a woman’s life she is more likely to “flow” from heterosexuality to bisexuality to homosexuality and possible back and forth again until she ultimately finds her true “flow”. Some of us are just born into our true “flow” but we are not the majority. And for this reason we have many married women who feel the need to explore a side of themselves that they felt they needed to keep hidden behind the guise of marriage and children.

Some would argue that married women are off limits, no if’s, and’s, or but’s about it. I don’t believe in breaking up a happy home (God & Karma the ultimate conscious team), but if a woman approaches you and it’s clear that she is on her way out and just waiting for the paper work formalities to commence then I say why not entertain the idea. We all got our start somewhere. I know a few Lesbians who actually go after married women. They love the idea of conquering forbidden territory and walking away with a man’s wife and children. My friend “T” is one of those women. When she finds a woman she likes, wedding band or not, she is on it (and her) – literally and figuratively. She has broken up more marriages than Facebook. Her response: “These women [married women] are looking for one of two things: to explore their inner freak for the night, or for a gateway to the other team.” I think she’s just out to pop everyone’s lesbian cherry.

I met Laura at a friend’s pool party. We started talking because her then husband was being a dirty old man and hitting on me. I assured her she had nothing to worry about as I’m a lesbian and have no interest in him (or any other man for that matter). She didn’t seem to care, but was very intrigued. The more we talked the more I got to know about her desire to be with another woman. She said she got married because she was always told it was something she had to do, but she was never satisfied – sexually or emotionally – and therefore was ready for a divorce. We talked and got to know each better over the next few weeks. So the glorious weekend occurs. She calls me one Friday night and says she doesn’t want to be there when her husband returns from his business trip. I told her she could spend the night with me. One night turned into being laid up with her the entire weekend. Everything was going well – that is until her husband shows up on my door step Sunday morning looking for his wife!

One would think that incident has deterred me from engaging with another married woman, but it’s just the opposite. I don’t hunt them down, but I also don’t brush them off either. Like I said before we all got our start somewhere. And as always every situation is different.

Odd Girl Out: Outgrowing People, Places & Mentalities

Sometimes you're better off on your own...

I had an epiphany recently. It just came out of nowhere, as they tend to do for me, I just accept them as they come – no questions asked – but this particular epiphany had me seeking confirmation and clarity before fully embracing it. About a week or so ago I posted a random question to my Facebook page: “I know you can outgrow friends, but is it possible to outgrow family members too?” The general consensus was YES. But it led me to evaluate other aspects of my life.

People: Ever get the feeling that you don’t want to be around your own family? Like certain dynamics that were once tolerable and maybe even acceptable to a degree make you question how you can be related to someone who acts/thinks that way. My aunts have a habit of waiting until the 11^th hour to plan something and get things organized. Before it was I guess okay to scramble around at the last minute because the end result would be a fun filled event for the entire family, but now I refuse to plan or be a part of ANYTHING they want to plan. I don’t even stick around when they are all together, and they were some of my favorite people to hang around but now when they are here I say my Hi’s” and then say my “Goodbye’s” and head off to do my own thing.

At some point or another, we outgrow our friends and it’s usually do to lifestyle changes i.e. marriage, kids, moving to a new city for a job. The moment I realized I had outgrown my family is the moment I also realized that I have outgrown most of my friends. Facebook is a great way to keep up and in touch with your friends during the week, but if you notice that over the course of a year that you have not had one face to face interaction with a Friend who resides in the same City or a neighboring State, then how can you really consider them to be a friend? Or if you invite them to parties or outings and they never show or never want to go, are they then still a friend? My answer is NO! Facebook is an avenue, not an end all.

Places: I can honestly say that I outgrew the Club scene before I was legal enough to indulge in it. I lived my 20’s in my Teens so the Club scene does not appeal to me. Occasionally, I’ll go to the Lesbian Bar for karaoke and their amazing drink special ($10 = 8 drink tickets, and a bar packed with Lesbians, Gay Boys, and Drag Queens. Oh what a night!) and to dance to some of my favorite tunes. Other than that, a night out for me consist of a happy hour with my girls at some cool lounge or restaurant, attending a live Jazz or Neo-Soul concert, or hitting up Jolly’s Dueling Piano Bar. These are classy places that never go out of style.

Mentalities: Once upon a time, I was the kind of girl who would never date two people at the same time. I was a diehard monogamist from beginning to end. The idea of juggling more than one woman was too complex for me. Now (and you have my Ex to thank – or not - for this one) I still believe in monogamy but I’m also open to dating more than one person at a time. I know what I want, and I’m wise enough to know that not every woman is going to or is capable of giving me what I want. People want different things in their lives, and that’s okay. I have my Dream Girl in mind and should she come my way I will gladly shut all others down and focus on her entirely, but until then casual dating is where it’s at for me. Another mentality I held onto, and I didn’t realize it until a month ago, was the idea of being a single parent. I don’t need a partner or the picture perfect life to raise a child, and in fact I will be adopting one and possibly giving birth to one on my own.

Life is about changes, and with changes comes some gains and losses. I believe the trust test of friendship or familialship (no it’s not a word so don’t try to win scrabble with it) is those who are by your side no matter how many changes you or they may go through.

Confession: The Best I Ever Had

We weren’t together very long, but what we shared was very significant. We could have been together longer, but circumstances in our lives prevented us from taking our relationship to the next level. She was “the one”, Mommy’s favorite (they share the same birthdate), and she is still a part of my life today…but as a friend. We’ve grown, we’ve changed, and women have come and gone but no matter what she has always been the best I ever had.

I met her on accident one hot summer day in ’03. I was hanging out in Giovanni’s Room, the only Gay/Lesbian bookstore in this city (which reminds me, I should pay them a visit), looking for good read. She was on the hunt for a good erotica novel and asked me for a recommendation. Anything by Tristan Taormino will suffice. A woman who is not afraid of her love of sex is always someone I want to know. We checked out, she paid for my books – a bit aggressive and forward, I like, I like – then we had lunch at a nearby sushi restaurant. She was finishing up medical school at Penn and was considering doing her residency at Johns Hopkins.

First date was fun, second date even better, by the third date tension was rising between us; we decided to go dancing. Now I’m good at sizing up my partner and I believe you can assess how a woman moves in bed by the way she sways her hips on the dance floor. And sway those hips she did. After a few hours of bumping, grinding, and downing shots of Bacardi and Patron we decided to have our own private after party back her place in Queen Village. Inhibitions went out the window, she was the type to go for what she wanted – and did!

I never had to tell her what I liked or what I wanted because she already knew and did it all. She took full control without saying a word. We transitioned from one position to the next and my body responded to her in ways it had never responded to those before her. I’m not one to fake an orgasm – yes there have been occasions where they have been a no show, and no I’m not going to fake one just to spare your ego, step your game up babe – but in this case there was no need to because I had so many, I lost count after ten. This was a late night, early morning session for sure; we finally went to sleep when the sun started to rise.

Now you all are wondering, does one night qualify a person for the title of The Best I Ever Had in the Sex Hall of Fame? No. But when you can deliver on a consistent basis the entire relationship, and once we split and no other woman has ever been able to achieve nothing more than an honorable mention, then you definitely are the Lourdes of my Labia. Who is she? I’ll never tell, but she knows who she is. But if you are ever in the same room with us and you happen to notice the eye action, subtle changes in my body movements, then you know she’s around.

Ex-Factor: "Can't Be Friends"?

Unless you are lucky enough to still be with the first woman you fell in love with, you have an Ex-Factor translation Ex-Girlfriend(s). Ex’s are ex’s for a reason, whether you fucked up or she fucked up, or you both fucked up, there always seems to be that lingering question when it all falls down: Can we be friends? For many the answer is Hell to the Naw (in your Whitney Houston voice) but others can actually have a full fledge friendship with their ex. Being friends with an ex is risky business, and here is why:

Last Time…Breakup Sex that Never Seems to End

Guilty, guilty, guilty! They say breakup sex is the best sex, but there is a reason why breakup sex is just that – BREAKUP SEX! Hooking up with your ex after things have ended can complicate things especially if one of you has started to date someone new. It can tie your emotions and feelings up and in some instances prevent you from moving on from the relationship. I’m guilty of going back for seconds, thirds, fourths, even fifths after things ended. One ex and I had breakup sex for three months after we officially split. It wasn’t something we planned, we just fell into it and after the first few times it just became a habit of convenience. Eventually we stopped but she still held onto feelings for me while I moved on from her.

I’m About to Catch A Case…New Chick on the Block

So your breakup wasn’t so bad, you two have actually managed to maintain a good working friendship. You hang out together, you talk at least two times per week, and you even attend events hosted by your mutual friends. Everything is going well, that is until your new MRS or her new MRS launches and all-out war against your ex. The jealous new chick on the block hates your friendship with your ex, she questions the validity of said friendship, and even demands that you stop being friends with your ex because of her own insecurities. She indirectly picks fights with your ex, and dismisses your ex as being a part of your life. After years of not speaking, K and I developed a friendship. We still had mutual friends but this time we actually spoke to one another when we were in the same room. K has always considered me to be the one that got away so when she started dating M I thought for sure that K would put all of her feelings and energy into making that relationship work. Regardless of what was going on between them, M had it out for me. She did not want me in K’s life and had this preconceived notion that I was her competition. One night we were all out at a lounge, dancing, drinking, laughing and just having a good time. I was standing by the bar with my friend Jenn when M walked by me, nudged me with her shoulder, and muttered “stuck up Bitch”.  Jenn and I looked at each other and decided to let it slide. M walks by us again, this time bumping into me, spilling her drink on me, and muttering “conceited Bitch”. At this point I had had enough. I walked over to K and said “Get your Bitch before I kick her ass from one end of this club to the next.”

We Just Can’t Be Friends…No If’s, And’s, But’s About It

So you busted the windows out her car, she pulled a Waiting to Exhale on all your shit, you sent the police to her home under the guise of distributing narcotics, she crank calls your cell and work number, you egged her house in the middle of the night. Whatever the situation, you two just can’t be friends. There are ex’s that no matter what, we just cannot get past what they have done to do us. They have committed an unforgiveable sin, the ultimate betrayal, and there is just no coming back from that. No amount of apologies, tears, or years can make you allow this person back into your life under any circumstances. It’s a dead and gone situation.

“Everything ain’t for everybody…” But for some ex’s, friendship is where it should have begun and ended.

"There MUST Be Rules!": Migrating from Dating to Relationship

Spring has Sprung and Summer is on FIRE! As Usher says “So many girls that we need champagne...” No doubt my dating life has picked up and I have revamped my thinking on a lot of things.

Let’s face it, when it comes to dating and relationships, things tend to move VERY FAST for Lesbians. I don’t know if it’s fear of losing the woman you are dating to someone else, or the fear of being alone forever that drives Lesbians to jump into a relationship and U-Haul it before getting to know each other better than one or two dates.

When you’re young and naïve – c’mon we’ve all been there, sadly some of us still reside there – you get into things you probably shouldn’t be into out of lack of knowledge or just immature impulse. But when you wise up you tend to navigate dating a lot different than you would before. The average Lesbian goes on two dates with someone before the Declaration of Us is established. I’m not sure what goes down in this obviously post sex conversation, but rules for entering a relationship are met.

 Now I’m curious. What are the rules for going from dating to being in a relationship?

Good, Good, Giving it Up: For some people when they sleep together they are in a relationship. Now this could be a good thing if you really wait and take the time to get to know someone before giving up the cookies, but there are those of you (and you know who you are) who have sex on the first date. Are you then in a relationship after that?

Third Time’s a Charm: There are those who believe in the three date rule before having sex and anything after that is considered to be Girlfriend status. This is more understandable to me because if you are exclusively dating someone this long and you enjoy sleeping together and being together then why not don the GF status with the hope of achieving your MRS.

Lockdown Until Further Notice: Some women have a three date rule, others have a three month or more rule. They want to be sure they are getting involved with the right person so they withhold sex and their heart until they feel they can trust the other person. But this can backfire (and I have seen it happen more times than not) because no one wants to feel like they are jumping through hoops just for the possibility of being rejected anyway. Another scenario is the women who don’t want to give up their Player status so they withhold officially naming one woman as their Girlfriend and refer to them as “My Friend”.

What are my rules? I don’t have any! Why? Because every woman and every situation is different. Some women are fun to date, but horrible in relationships. And if you are lucky you come across the ones you can migrate from dating to a relationship.