Gay & Greek?

The Divine Nine

What Is a Delta
What Is a Delta
A Delta is what a AKA ain’t
What A Zeta wanna be
What a Sigma cant
What a Alpha like
What a Kappa love
What Que Psi Phi can’t get enough of

As you can guess I am team Delta Sigma Theta (DST). No disrespect to any of the other Divine Nine Greeks, but I come from a long line of DST women and someday I plan on becoming a member of Delta Sigma Theta Incorporated.

My college did not have a chapter when I attended, and truth be told even if they did I would not have pledged because I have this thing (more like theory) about joining Greek organizations while one is matriculating – translation DON’T DO IT, that is unless you want your GPA and financial aid status to suffer because of it. Just saying. I always knew I wanted to be a DST lady. I love what they stand for, I love their community service and education focus, and I just love the sense of sophistication, dignity, and grace they bring. No organization is perfect, but I know DST is for me.

The closer I get to putting myself out there for membership the more I began to wonder if being a Lesbian would hinder me in anyway. I never thought about it before, although I have always been a Lesbian. Now I’m going to keep it real, we all know about DL males who are members of Greek organizations even though it’s not outwardly spoken about you know you know. I actually have to credit E. Lynn Harris’s book entitled Invisible Life for shedding the light on that aspect of life. Who knew?!?

So being curious I began to search around Google for answers to me question: Is being Gay in a Divine Nine Organization acceptable? I stumbled across a site called GreekForums.com  where someone just as curious as I was about the topic proposed the same question on a thread. Now this thread is about 2 maybe 3 years old but the responses were interesting, but here is what I learned: You are not allowed to be questioned about your sexual orientation during the interview process, however if someone suspects (or knows) you are Gay or Lesbian they can use it as a basis (secretly) for not liking you and ultimately voting against you when it comes time to make the decision to accept or deny you.

The Black community is closed/narrow minded as it is. They allow the church to instill this fear and propagate a subliminal form of self-hatred against our own people that if it ain’t what the Preacher man said it should be then it’s all wrong – translation: You’re going to hell, regardless. I read some comments from people stating that homosexuals should join homosexual Greek organizations. So does that mean that the Divine Nine is a heterosexual organization? What about the Bisexuals? Don’t they need their own organization too? “I wouldn’t be comfortable with a homosexual being on line with me or working close with me or handling the same information.” So if you found out that your mail carrier was Gay or Lesbian would you then request that they discontinue serving your route because you don’t want them handling your mail?

Despite all of the shenanigans I am still going to join, but I am curious as to what others have to say about this. Do you think Gays and Lesbians should only be allowed to join Greek Organization specifically for those who are Gay or Lesbian? Would you/have you joined a Divine Nine organization? Why or why not?

Why Black Lesbians & I Just Don't Click When It Comes to Dating

Last year, one of my initial posts to this blog was about Interracial Dating. It covered a broad perspective on the topic, and I even shared one of my personal experiences. Let me say that I in no way, shape, or form have anything against African-American women. I love you all - Ummmm HELLO I am one of you – I think you are beautiful, sexy, sassy, strong, and did I mention sexy? BUT (Yes, there is a But) majority of you all just don’t get me, and when it comes to dating and relating majority of you like to adhere to these strict, outdated, gender roles which just do not sit well with me.

This is me: I’m very girly. Hair, makeup, shoes, accessories, if it’s Glam 9 times out of 10 I already own it. I like Old Navy, PZI Jeans, Uggs, Forever 21, American Eagle, H&M just to name a few. I’m well spoken, very articulate, some even say I talk like a White girl (I didn’t know a race had a specific way of speaking). I love to dine in the suburbs as opposed to your run of the mill hood establishment, and if I’m craving a night out on the town I prefer a few well known Gay/Lesbian spots in Center City versus hanging out at Roy’s Comfort Zone in the heart of North Philadelphia. When it comes to dating I prefer a fellow Feminine Lesbian.

And here is where our dilemma comes into play. Somewhere along the lines of Lesbianism within the African-American community someone ordained that we must continue to conform to the Butch/Stud-Femme style of dating and relating. Like it’s “unacceptable” for two Feminine women to date each other, or for two Butch/Stud women to date each other. And if you do step outside the proverbial box one of you must always assume a more dominant role. Uh really?!? I don’t think so! I refuse to conform to some crazy gender roles in my relationships. I want someone who is my partner, my equal, not someone who thinks there are only certain things I should be allowed to do because I am Feminine.

I’ve noticed that a lot of the predominately African-American web based fan pages and websites even play into this mentality. One I “Like” the other day posed two questions:

Studs, what can a Femme do to turn you on?

Femmes, what can a Stud do to turn you on?

F*cking really?!? What about Femme-Femme or Stud-Stud? Everyone does not conform to those pairing standards, yet it’s being propagated that the only kind of pairing that can exist is Butch/Stud-Femme. Is this the reason why all my long term relationships have been with White women? Yes and No. I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to date and have a relationship with a fellow African-American Feminine Lesbian. My problem is that majority of them like to fall into those Butch/Stud-Femme pairings and sorry Honey but I’m not about to Butch Up just so you will consider dating me. When I was in relationships with White women they loved and embraced OUR femininity. They don’t have such strict standards of pairings; they just let each other be. Now I’m not saying that one woman cannot be dominant because Bette Porter’s character on The L Word is the perfect definition of an Alpha Feminine Lesbian (by the way this is sooooooooooooo my type) in a relationship with another Feminine Lesbian. But one should not have to abandon their femininity or their Femme identity, or abandon their Butch/Stud identity just to conform to the “acceptable” standards of dating and relating within the African-American community.

The Long (HARD) Road to Nursing School

“Ya Girl is back!” (in my Jay-Z voice ala Change Clothes) 

And it feels so good. This is so long overdue but I’m back, ready to make this blogging experience an ever constant part of my journey through Nursing School and beyond. So much has happened since the end of 2011 and beginning of 2012. I lost one of my Mother’s, yet gained a wonderful family in return, I got accepted into Nursing School at Roxborough Memorial Hospital School of Nursing, and got wait listed after being dissed at my first choice – Abington Memorial Dixon School of Nursing (F*ck You B!tches, PAY ME!). All in all, things worked out for the better and so my journey through Nursing School begins.

Fall Semster 2011 was hectic and crazy. I was losing my mind over my Chemistry course, yet passing with flying colors in my online Diet & Nutrition course. I had to take the TEAS exam again because I finally decided not to put all my eggs in one Nursing School basket. This was my future I was juggling with so not getting into a school was not an option. 2012 had to be the year, it was all or nothing. So I had to study for my CCP courses which I needed to pass in order to be accepted, and study for the TEAS exam which I also needed to retake in order to be accepted, and get not one but both Nursing School applications prepared for submission January 2012. Did I mention it was also the holidays so you know parties, families, craziness in general.

One thing I have come to understand is that no matter how well your machine is running, one monkey wrench can set you back to start. The Incompetents (the name I use to describe the Admissions Coordinator and the Receptionist at Dixon School of Nursing) informed me that they would not be processing my application because my transcripts were never sent. After a good 15 minute debate (they lost, ALWAYS KEEP PROOF) I was finally informed that they “accidentally” shredded my transcripts and would need a new copy of them. Of course this was two days before the application deadline! WTMF?!? Are you serious?!? If I were a real B!tch I could play the Race Card and say they tried to hinder me because I’m a minority or a Jew (hey I have a Jewish last name)…but alas I’m not that much of a B!tch, and I hate when people try to play the Race Card.

So I went to my Admissions interview at both schools, Roxborough called me in before Abington and accepted me on the spot, while you could cut the tension in the room with a knife during my interview with Abington. June 13^th is when I hit the ground running. I’m excited, I’m scared, but overall I am ready for the rest of my life to begin.

Computer Love

According to those cheesy Match.com commercials they are responsible for creating over 1 million relationships, and Facebook is responsible for the demise of at least 2 million and counting. Online dating no longer has the negative stigmas it once did in its early hay days. Now if a couple says they initially met online they’re more likely to be asked for the name of the website instead of given looks of disapproval. If you’re like me – over the bar and club scene (hey my Mothers always advised me against picking up girls in clubs and bars) and your local LGBT center no longer caters to your age group (that is unless you’re over 50, nothing against that age group but lets get real here, all the programs are for 50+ crowd while the 21-49 crowd is expected to hangout at the clubs. WRONG!) then you are left with three options for dating:

(1) Hoping that hot chick at Starbucks is a Lesbian and risking potential embarrassment by asking her out only to find out she is a Straight homophobe. Unless your Gaydar is better than Superman’s I highly suggest you avoid this option.

(2) Allowing your friends to set you up on numerous (and EXTRMELY HORRIBLE) blind dates. Out of sheer desperation one may choose this option but I think it should be a last resort because of option #3

(3) Online Dating!

I like online dating because it can take some of the awkwardness out of getting to know someone on the first date. I also like it because you have access to people you would not see in your daily dealings and you know all the women are Lesbians (or Bisexual) so it takes the guess work out of it and you get to avoid a sticky Option #1 situation. Another good thing about online dating is that things go at your pace so you’re not pressured to give someone your number just so you can have contact with them like you would if you had met her at the club or in a bar. I don’t know about you, but if a woman and I have nothing in common I sure as hell don’t want her having my cell number so she can text me and ring my damn phone off the hook (Can we say IGNORE/REJECT stalker!).

The key to starting the whole online dating experience is to find the right site for you. There are tons of sites out there, not like it was back in the 90’s when there were only a few, and they range from free (either completely or just some features) to paid memberships. Although there are a ton of sites out there now there still are very few catering to the LGBT community. My suggestion is that you explore a few sites if you can without having to setup a profile, see if they have active members and if those members are people you’d like to get to know. If not, move onto the next site. As I said there are plenty of sites out there, you have to find the right one for YOU.

So you’ve got the site you want to use, now what? Setup a good profile. I cannot stress this enough as this is the very critical piece to your online dating experience – YOUR PROFILE MUST BE HONEST AND ACCURATE AND HAVE AT LEAST 2-5 RECENT, I WILL SAY THAT AGAIN RECENT, YES RECENT, NO NOT HIGH SCHOOLS BUT RECENT PHOTOS OF YOU, AGAIN YOU, JUST YOU, NOT YOUR PLANT, YOUR CAR, YOU PET, YOUR GRANDMOTHER, YOUR BEST FRIEND, YOU! A bad profile is a bad first impression and first impressions can lead to you being asked out or you being told that you’re not my type. I highly suggest typing your About Me Section wording in MS Word and then forward to a trusted friend (preferably the one with a thorough education, and some class. Just saying. But you’ll thank me later) for editing and feedback.

Here’s my experience. I’ve been doing the online dating thing off and on for three years now so I’ve learned a lot, made some cool friends, and had a relationship with a person or two but I have to admit that I prefer online dating above all else. I love being able go at my own speed without having to give out personal contact information, I love being able to decide if I want to communicate with someone who shows an interest in me without having to make up some excuse to get out of their presence. What site do I recommend? Well Match.com seems to get more complex the longer they are around (someday I’ll put up a Match.com profile, but that’s when I have the patience to navigate that damn site. I swear it’s like Facebook – everytime you turn around somethings new) but I find that Curve Personals has a large Lesbian member base and their prices are reasonable. Check them out, and thank me when you find the love of your life (I mean it, I better get honorable mention at the wedding)

A Lesson In REAL LOVE

Life is way too short, and the recent loss of one of my Mother’s has proven that (and so much more) to me. It has also brought me to another epiphany in my life – What is REAL LOVE and who the REAL LOVES OF MY LIFE really are.

My Mother’s spirit left her beautiful earthly body on Halloween night (now I won’t ever celebrate Halloween the same again). The pain, so intense yet utterly indescribable, has taught me a lot about the feeling we call love and pain too. See before now, the only pain I considered that was of this magnitude was the pain of a broken heart. My ex was the only woman I had a relationship with that I had fallen completely head over heels in love with. I had a love for my previous girlfriends, but it was nothing like the inhibition and freedom I gave of myself in that relationship with my ex.

When my ex decided to leave I went through the entire gamete of emotions – cried out sleepless nights, utter confusion, disappointment, depression, you name it I felt it. The entire thing came out of nowhere and my heart shattered. I thought I had felt the ultimate pain from love lost…that is until 10/30/2011. I was talking to my Mother’s best friend when he informed me she was back in the hospital and it wasn’t good. I got scared, my heart started to race, I got anxious, I couldn’t sit still, I was in denial (she’ll pull through, she pulled through this summer but I’ll be on a plane the day she is scheduled to come home so I can be with her)…and then came the phone call…”She has an infection and they can’t operate because she may not survive it, and there is nothing they can do other than make her comfortable. They don’t think she’ll make it through the night.”

I prayed to God, asking him to give us more time. It reminded me of the way I prayed to God asking him to save my relationship with my ex. On 10/31/2011 at 10:05 PM my Mother passed. I couldn’t breathe, I cried, I screamed, I felt helpless, lost, confused. My air supply has just been taken away from me and no matter how hard I cried I couldn’t get her back. It’s crazy how I used to think of my ex along similar lines.

Today is a little better for me. I was able to sleep, and thanks to my Mother’s best friend I was able to laugh about her and segments of her life. I had a conversation with my Mother (Deb) in which my current epiphany was born: My ex hurting me is NOTHING compared to losing one of my Mothers’. This kind of love and pain supersedes all others. No woman will EVER be able to break my heart the way losing a Mother has. And I will NEVER give any woman that much power or energy. I know what real love is, and who the real loves of my life really are – Deb & Marnie, thank you for showing me the meaning of LOVE…

Yours, Mines, Ours: Open Relationships

Dating and relating provides you with many interesting perspectives, and with my newfound mentality on the two I have been presented with different aspects of love and relationships. One of them is the idea of an open relationship. If you’re not familiar with open relationships or the more politically correct term Polyamory. Urban Dictionary (because sometimes Webster is too ummmm sterile) defines Polyamory as the practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at a time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved. Simple enough, right? Let’s see, shall we…

I’ve always been a serial monogamist – dating with no real breaks in between relationships – until now where I find myself single (and loving it!) with no real desire to get into a long term serious relationship any time soon (if ever again). The idea of an open marriage never sat well with me, I mean c’mon we’re married for a reason and I doubt one of those reasons was for us to be with other people, but the idea of an open relationship (no marriage intended) is something I believe I can live with.

Some may say it’s cheating or feel as though they are cheating on their current partner and I guess I can see that side of it too, but then again there is that thing called mutual consent so if you tell someone you’re okay with them dating someone else, but you’re really not then you’re setting yourself up for heartache. Don’t agree to something you are not comfortable with under the guise of trying to hold onto to someone who probably isn’t worth holding onto anyway.  Another argument is how many is how many people are too many, and do you have sex with all of them or some of them? For me, seeing one or two people outside of my relationship is plenty and sexual relations progress differently from person to person, relationship to relationship. Just keep it clean and fun.

Jealousy? It’s human nature, even when you’re in a serious committed relationship or marriage jealousy will rear its ugly head. She looked at them too long, She was flirting with them all night, She dresses sexy to get attention, She spends more time with her poly lover, She does things with her poly lover that she would never do with me, She seems closer to her poly than She does to me. It’s all too common. But it’s how you deal with it that determines the success or demise of the entire relationship.

In my serial monogamy days, I’d give my all in the relationship with the expectation of reciprocity, only to have my girlfriend fall short and leave me subconsciously wishing that I was seeing someone else, or leave me cursing myself for not being the type of woman who cheats (that mentality may change too, jury is still out deliberating). Basically, the whole letdown of my previous disappointments could have been better alleviated if I was seeing another person (or two) at the same time.

They say what one woman won’t do, another surely will so (being completely selfish here, but I don’t give a fuck!) if this statement is true, out of the women I would be dating I am bound to get what I want from one or all of them. And when I am ready to settle down, I won’t feel like I’ve missed out on something (more like someone) by putting all of my eggs in one basket hoping to hatch some chickies.

Is an open relationship for you?...

The Bisexual Game

Whether you’ve been one or been with one, all Lesbians have had experiences with bisexuals. I, personally, have nothing against Bisexual women. Some people who are very close to me identify as Bisexual, and I love them regardless. However, within the Lesbian community Bisexuals have a bad rap. They say one bad apple spoils the bunch, well a subculture of the Bisexual community has given them all a bad name.

I Kissed a Girl…But I Was Drunk We’ve all heard the stories of drunken college girls who make out and have sex with each other, and more recently make Girl Gone Wildish YouTube videos. Are these women really Bisexuals? I highly doubt it. More like these women are doing so just to please or attract more attention from men thus the huge influx of women identifying as such in order to seem more appealing to the male species.

I Love Sex with Women…But Can My Boyfriend/Husband Join/Watch? These are the women I like to label as the “Hidden Agenda Chick”. You meet and she seems like a good dating match…that is until she tells you she is in a relationship with a male or married to one. Run for the hills and run fast! Do NOT pass go and fuck the $200.00. Never believe a woman when she says “Don’t worry. I have no plans on involving him. This is just between us girls.” Bullshit! A request for a threesome or voyeur experience always is sure to follow.

Buy Me Something…And I’ll Get Sexual The phrase pretty much says it all. This is typically from your equal opportunity wannabe Sugar Babies who spread their legs for whichever Sugar Daddy or Sugar Momma provides the most Bling. She’s not Bisexual, just a freak for material gain. She’s a great pretender so beware as I would hate to see you get caught up.

Here’s my two cents on the situation. I’ve never been a Bisexual, I’ve always been a Lesbian (Gold Star Baby in my Austin Powers voice) but I do believe there are women out there who are True Bisexuals. I have no problem dating a Bisexual, BUT I will not have a relationship with one. Why? I don’t want to settle down with someone who can easily absolve themselves from issues and struggles of the Gay and Lesbian community.

Ode to Cougars

I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus thanks in large part to some changes that occurred in my life recently. My part-time school schedule is more like a fulltime school load, thus some things must take a back seat to my much required readings. Hey, I could be your Nurse someday so you’ll thank me for putting my energy into my school work instead of entertaining you via my lovely blog post.

There's just something about a woman in her 40's...

And now back to your regularly scheduled program…

Cougars: Sexually aggressive women ranging from late thirties to mid-fifties who seek out love, affection, and relationships with partners much younger than them, usually in the 18-30 crowd…And one of the main ways to make my panties drop…

Within the last 5 years, the media has been speculating on this so called Cougar Trend, but if you know like I know – and trust me you if you don’t know, you NEED TO KNOW – then you know this so called “trend” is old school knowledge. I LOVE COUGARS – did I say that loud enough? I’ve always had this thing for older women. For as long as I can remember I’ve always gravitated towards women who were at least 10-15 years older than me. When I was 16 I had a full blown relationship with a 35 year old woman and from there my journey of dating older women began. By the way, to all the critics and social workers reading this FUCK YOU, PAY ME!

I’ve always been very mature for my age which makes dating a woman in my age group a daunting task. Cougar women tend to be more cultured more sophisticated, and more educated than your average 20-something woman. When it comes to dating & relating, substance is key and Cougar women have plenty of it…and then some…I’m also over the whole club and bar scene, whereas a lot of women my age aren’t. I prefer cocktails at a lounge such as Jolly’s Piano Bar, or After 5 at the Art Museum over a wild and crazy nightclub. It was cute when I was High School, half as fun when I started college, but now it’s just daunting and pointless.

Dating a Cougar woman comes with its own set of issues, if you see them as such, like it amazes me that in 2011 the double standards of having a much younger partner still exist. Oh its okay for a 50 year old man to walk around with a 20-something partner on their arm BUT let a woman do it and she has committed the ultimate sin and is subject to harsh scrutiny. I don’t question who you’re sleeping with so don’t who I am sleeping it. Agreed? Agreed! Baggage. We all have it, whether its ex(s), financial obligations, or caring for parents, but Cougar women tend to have more of it. Hey they’ve lived longer and been through much more. Which brings me to my next point – EXPERIENCE! Yes I am talking about what goes down in the bedroom – or the kitchen, the dressing room at Nordstrom’s, your car. Women hit their sexual peak in their late 30’s and are full on when they hit the big 4 0. They become sexual energizer bunnies and the sex is AMAZINGLY INDESCRIBABLE!

What’s my preference? Over 35, under 42. But there is always exception to every rule…

How to Love: Lesson Learned or Instilled at Birth?

Love is one of the most, in my opinion, powerful emotions we possess. As singer Al Green says “love, something that can make you do wrong, do right…” Love can bring out a wide range of other emotions and psychosis. Lately, I’ve been thinking about love (and for the record I am NOT, I repeat I AM NOT in love, hell I’m barely dating) and if knowing how to give and receive love is something we really know how to do. Many claim to know how to love, yet is their way of “loving” someone correct? Does having two parents’ around make you more of a “lover” than not? Is love something we learn from failed relationships?

The more I think about love, the more I realize that – like many others – my vision or version of love probably is not the best in the world. I always knew I never wanted to be unhappy like my parent’s – one is openly unhappy, while the other has been suffering in silence for as long as I’ve been old enough to understand the ins and outs of that marriage. So my solution was to do everything not to be like them. Simple enough, right? Not so much. In trying not to be like my parent’s, I realized that I didn’t have any positive representations of love (or marriage) to mirror. Life’s easy when you know what not to do, but what about when you don’t know what to do?

Some say that a failed relationship is a good way to learn about love, others say it’s a good way to learn about the pains of love. I guess the argument is that with a failed relationship you can evaluate yourself and the people you are attracted to so you can make necessary changes in order to avoid making the same mistakes. But what if you could avoid the failed relationship and the wrong people; can you still learn how to love? Can you still learn how to avoid falling for their type?

For me, learning how and who to love is going to be a lifelong, ongoing process. It’s something I have to free my heart from its trust insecurity restraints long enough to allow me to figure out how to truly love and be in love with the right person. An elder once told me that “love is not about finding the person you want to sleep with for the rest of your life, rather finding the person who you want to fight with for the rest of your lives…”

Is You Is, Is You Ain't?

I was having a very intriguing conversation with a friend about a week ago regarding relationships. We were discussing our past relationships and the effects they have had on us, making us change our views and ways of thinking and interacting with the women we may entertain on dates. If you know me, then you are familiar with my famous statement: “I’m not ready for a relationship!”

But my friend made a very thought provoking statement: No one is ever really ready for a relationship.

The more I think about it, the more I find it hard to disagree with her. What makes you “ready” for a relationship? Some may say that if your heart is open and free – although here is another question within a question, when is your heart truly free? – you can establish a relationship. While others may say that only you know when you are ready for a relationship. But do you follow your heart or your mind? Do you listen have a certain feeling inside? Is lust enough?

Before I abandoned my old ways of thinking, having sex used to signify the beginning of a relationship for me. Sex was viewed as something to be done with someone you are having a monogamous relationship and therefore having sex with a woman I was dating meant we were no longer casual but now exclusive. Because if I was ready to have sex with you, then I was ready to be with only you. Sex no longer has that definition or distinction in my life.

If we are going to go on “feelings” alone to be the catalyst for being ready for a relationship, then I don’t have any. Let me clarify: I have absolutely no “lovey” feelings for the women I go out with. I don’t love them, I don’t hate them, I like spending time with them but that’s all I can. I don’t envision a life with them nor do I have the desire to see them exclusively. Again, I like spending time with them. Nothing more, nothing less. Am I emotionally void? I don’t think so. “When the right person comes along you’ll have all of those cliché lovey dovey feelings inside” Thanks Grandma!

I’ve been told that relationships just happen on their own; it’s something you just fall into without knowledge. I can go with that as I have had a relationship that began that way before. I guess the ultimate factor is what a relationships means to you and maybe use that as an assessment of whether you are ready for a relationship. For most, a relationship is a foundation for marriage or a long term commitment, so having their educational and career on track or out of the way is ideal and makes them relationship ready. But when you’re constantly furthering your education and making career changes, do you put off finding your true love until you feel you have accomplished your dreams?

My answer is this: When you stopping looking for something that’s when things appear. I have learned that the more you trying to search for that one perfect ideal, the more you will feel like you are looking for something that does not exist.

“…Let what you need find you…”