Eyes Wide Shut: Black Women & Suicide

In the midst of waiting for my two favorite shows, Scandal and How To Get Away With Murder, to return to their regular rotation, I binge watched Season 2 of Being Mary Jane. When the show first aired on BET (and I had yet to cut the cable cord) I got into the first season, however by the end of the first season I really wasn’t a fan of Mary Jane, her actions just screamed desperate and attention seeking. By the end of Season 2 I viewed her more as a self-absorbed, selfish, narcissist. My reason for continuing to watch? Lisa Hudson. 

Aside from Mary Jane’s own personal storyline, she had someone in her life that is the portrait of a very secret struggle rampant among Black women – Mental Illness. Lisa Hudson suffered from severe depression and often had suicide attempts. On the surface, Lisa was a beautiful, successful OB/GYN. She had a beautiful home; financial earnings put her in the top 1%, outgoing personality, incredible fashion sense. Even though Lisa smiled in front of her friends, she was tormented and dying inside. 

Although Being Mary Jane is a TV show, how many of us know one or a few real life Lisa Hudson’s? How many of us are or have been Lisa Hudson? Being a Black woman has its challenges, being a Black Lesbian comes with additional fuel for the flames. I remember a quote from Scandal “You have to be twice as good to get half of what they have…” Sounds like the story of a Black woman’s life. Couple that with the stigma in the African-American community regarding mental illness – we’re not supposed to talk about it, that’s “White people mess”, you need to go to church and pray it away, medication ain’t nothing but the Devil, Black people don’t commit suicide. 

Black women are regarded as strong, fierce, divas, who can conquer the world and anything in it. A strong Black woman is supposed to be educated, have her own home, luxury car, married, homemaker, gourmet chef, mother of the year, nurse and counselor to everyone in her life, corporate executive and never complain about any of it because she’s the Wonder Woman of her world. But who is all these things to her? Who is her counselor when everything becomes too much? Who looks at her and sees that her smiles are fake, really hiding darkness and weakness? When does she receive the love, affection, and kindness that she bestows? When was the last time someone asked her how she was doing, and really cared to listen to the message behind her answer? 

Fact: Every 12 minutes a Black woman attempts suicide…

Black Lesbians & Heteronormativity

When I think of relationships, I think of harmony, coexisting, sharing, and working together for the greater good of the foundation of the relationship. Whether it is two males, two females, or a male and a female, this is how relationships should be…at least to me this is how they should be. In the hetero world the man is the leader, the provider, the yada yada yada and all those other male dominated thinking’s in the relationship.  I guess that’s all well and good for them but in the lesbian community it’s sickening. 

Two women should be able to have a healthy relationship without there being a need for someone to take on the more “masculine” role and responsibilities and the other to take on the more “feminine” role and responsibilities. But for some reason there is a subset of Black Lesbians who refuse to let go of this heteronormative madness. What is it about emulating that cave man mentality that makes you feel like you’re doing something? 

If you do the dishes or clean the house, does that make you any less of a Butch/Stud or any more of a Femme? If you change the oil on the car, put up some drywall, fix a leak under the kitchen sink does that make you any less Femme or any more Butch/Stud? Does your paycheck define which “role” you should assume in the relationship? I think not! Because let’s get real here, it’s 2015 and everybody in the household needs to work to keep things functioning unless you are blessed with an unlimited amount of wealth you need to handle your business accordingly regardless of who is seen as the more dominate person in the relationship. 

And for the love of all things stop using the term Studband! What the fuck is wrong with you?!? Your FEMALE PARTNER DOES NOT GARNER THE TITLE OF “HUSBAND” OR ANY OTHER VARIATION OF THE WORD HUSBAND. SHE IS A WOMAN, NOT A MAN! For you women who insist on calling your dominate partner Daddy and having your children do the same, you need serious psychological help…for the entire family. 

There’s nothing wrong with courting and being courted. I’ve held open doors for my girlfriend just as much as she has held them open for me. I’ve picked up the tab on our dates just as much as she has. I surprise her with gifts and surprise date nights just as she has done the same for me. And guess what? We’re still 100% aware that we are women, we are comfortable being women, and we’re in this together. Our household responsibilities are ours, not one person more than the other. We acquired this together and we are going to take care of this together. Do I do some things better than her and vice versa? Of course but guess what if the other is not around that task won’t go undone waiting on the other. Roles? Ha! Role Play is for the bedroom only…

New Journeys, New Beginnings

Nina and I are officially living together. You never know how much stuff two people truly have until it’s time to pack up and move. Let’s just say I ended up throwing away a lot of clothes and no longer needed documents. The good news is between my place and Nina’s condo we didn’t have to buy a lot of new items because we both had items we agreed to keep. The only thing we did purchase was a new sofa and a storage unit from Ikea because we lost one of our closets with the move. 

The additional space is greatly appreciated and now that we have carpet I have to admit that the place feels more like home. The funny thing is Nina’s parents have been dying to come see the place and have even offered to help us unpack. We told them once we have gotten ourselves settled and ready to have visits we’ll call them first. 

Aside from this big step Nina and I have taken to a new beginning, I also have embarked on my own personal journey. After rocking out with Faux Locs for 6 months I have decided that Locs is something that I want and thus have begun my Locs Journey on 10/2. My loctitian is the same woman who started my friend Nikki’s locs a little over 2 years ago and her hair is flowing and beautiful. 

Here are some facts about my natural hair: (1) I have not had a relaxer since the age of 15, (2) I have mixed hair meaning it’s not your typical African-American grade of hair. If I had to narrow it down I’d say I have 3C curl pattern, (3) My hair is 1.5 inches past my shoulders. My locs were started using the Comb Coil method and when I tell you shrinkage is real, it’s no joke. My hair shrunk to about half its length. Normally when I get a style I have never had before there is a period of freaking out, but not this time. I had researched a lot of pictures and YouTube videos of comb coils and starter locs to know what to expect. Another bonus is that I bought a gang of hairbands to jazz things up during this phase. 

I’m excited about this journey and my new beginning with Nina. For once in my life things just seem to fall into place in such a way that I feel free emotionally, mentally, and physically. This time change was on my side.

The Night We Slept Over

This past weekend was one for the books. Nina started a new business venture and had her first project on Sunday morning and Saturday evening we spent our first overnight together in her parent’s home. 

Nina’s adorable nephews have not seen in since April so they wanted to have a birthday dinner for her at Nina’s parent’s home so they could spend time with her and finally meet me. Since Nina had a new client she promised work for on Sunday she suggested that we spend the night with her parent’s and then Sunday morning she can take care of the project for her client then return to her parent’s home and help get things ready for her birthday dinner.

I was a bit apprehensive about this because although I was completely comfortable with her parent’s, and completely love and adore her Mother, this was our first 24+ hours we would be spending with her parent’s. Of course with this came my other problem – finding appropriate sleepwear. I couldn’t walk around Nina’s parent’s home in boyshorts and a tank top like I do around our home. Which brings me to my next lesson – unless you are shopping in the Grandma clothing section, there is absolutely no Overnight With The Parent’s appropriate sleepwear! Too short, too tight, too see through, too seductive. I’d have to wear a robe the entire night! I finally found something but it took me 2 hours! 

Nina’s Mother is your typical Jewish Mother. All this woman did was feed me! She bought Chinese and Sushi for dinner because Nina told her I’d eat either. Now when the weather is as hot as it has been I stick to lighter fare because heavier foods make me nauseous so eating the sushi was not an issue…but her mother insisted that I try the general tso’s chicken, chicken and broccoli, and shrimp lo mein! 

The bedroom Nina and I shared for the evening was perfectly situated on the other side of their home which was good because as much as we tried not to, we had sex that evening. Oh the joys of trying to be quiet while you can hear her parent’s walking around…still up eating desserts at 11:00 P.M. The next morning Nina said she doubts her mother heard us because she would not be making eye contact with us. LOL! 

The next morning I had breakfast and coffee on the patio with Nina’s mother while she worked on her project. The feeding frenzy began again, this time with her mother practically hand feeding me breakfast pastries. I have to admit, I couldn’t resist. Sometimes a mother’s loving gestures is what you really need in the morning. One thing Nina’s mother said that really touched my heart was “Since you’re now a part of this family I need to know what you eat so I can make sure it’s here when you two come visit.” If I didn’t love that woman before, now was the crowning moment. 

Dinner with Nina’s nephews was a blast. They are very wonderful, well mannered, little gentlemen. And I hate teenagers but these three were raised right. We introduced them to Phase 10 and for 3 hours we sat on the living room floor laughing and joking with them. We bonded so well that Nina and I agreed to have them sleepover one weekend once we were all settled into the new apartment. They can’t wait. 

My relationship with Nina is truly a blessing. The abundance of love and acceptance we continue to receive is heartwarming and a huge motivation…

Movin' On In

Between work and Nina I have been a busy bee. The weekend after my birthday Nina’s mother asked us to join them at their home for a birthday dinner complete with my favorite – Homemade Strawberry Shortcake. Dinner was amazing and I got to bond more with her mother which is always good. She’s such a sweet woman, something I certainly am not used to. 

As I mentioned before, Nina and I have discussed living together. Our leases are ending and we decided that since she is with me 7 days per week anyways that she might as well move in. I called my property manager to see if a two bedroom would become available soon and to my surprise she said October 1^st the place in my same courtyard would be available so I would be able to move in 2 weeks prior and she would not charge me for the earlier move in date and would prorate Septembers rent. Perfect! The space is what Nina and I need because right now it’s crazy!

The only woman I shared space with long term was my 5 year relationship with the Administrator. And well that relationship certainly wasn’t a pleasant one nor an ideal situation no matter how big that damn penthouse was. It was tainted. Since then I have been on my own, living in my own space and loving it. Nina has brought most of her items here to make the move from Philly easier for her. That’s when I realized how essential a bigger apartment would be. We have no room, and I mean absolutely no room, not even for our common groceries etc. 

Have you ever seen that episode of Martin where Gina moves in and they have two of everything so they have to decide what stays and what goes…but neither one of them want to give up their items? Yeah. It was sorta like that for a while. I love my coffee maker, but Nina had a Keurig. I’m not a fan of the Keurig because I love my coffee strong and no matter how hard I tried there just wasn’t a brand of coffee strong enough available from Keurig. As much as I didn’t want to I got rid of my coffee maker and we kept the Keurig. Since then I have purchased the Starbucks Verona kcups and I have a reusable filter that I can fill with stronger, Keurig ground coffee from Starbucks or another supplier. Thus far I am okay…but I still miss my damn coffee maker. 

We have tons of pots and pans, and we haven’t even brought her dishes here yet. As far as closets go, she’s just as much of a clothes whore as I am. I’m waiting for the bar in the closet to break any day now because we keep buying clothes! At least we settled on a new color theme and comforter set for the bedroom. In all, that was the easy part. We both like blue so we went that route. 

Our mission is to be packed up and out of here by September 15^th and to start getting settled in our new apartment. All of this on top of our hectic work schedules and trying to maintain some form of a social life. 

Welcome to the next chapter of my life…