The (Not So) Great Pretender

Imagine waking up one morning and being told you have to pretend to be someone you’re not from time to time. I’ll admit at first it sounds doable, I mean anyone can handle that! How far-fetched can it really be, right? Hmmmm…Now say you’ve lived your life as a Fashion Designer. It’s who you are, it’s your identity, you live, eat, breath fashion. When people think of you, aside from your fabulous personality and other good traits, they equate you with fashion designing. So as part of your pretending you are told you have to be a Biochemical Engineer. Now you have absolutely no background whatsoever in biochemical engineering, hell you probably didn’t know it was a major in college less know how to actually spell the damn title. Again, it can’t be that bad, right? It’s only from time to time, right? So you start pretending when required of you, you can fake some knowledge here and there, and refrain from talking about fashion for a little while but eventually you desire to be your authentic self. You want to talk about fashion and things related to it, you want to be open and honest about your background in the fashion industry, you want to display your love and passion for fashion because after all everyone else around you gets to be who they are, they don’t have to pretend. But in order for you to be in their presence you are required to pretend so you sit quietly, stifling your voice, your personality, your authentic self, hoping time passes by quickly so you can return to what you have always known and always have been. That is until the next time you are required to pretend.

I’ve been a Lesbian my entire life. I’ve never had any kind of relationship or sexual or intimate nature with a man and I don’t ever intend to do so. Aside from the many titles and roles I hold, I’m a Lesbian. I love being a Lesbian and everything it stands for and everything it encompasses. I love who I am and the only changes I want to make are those that improve who I am as a woman who wants to contribute nothing but good things to this world. I’ve never lived a closeted life unless it was imposed upon me. I spent 4 years of my life with a woman who could not be out because of her CEO position within an organization. It was understandable to a certain extent (if you knew what kind of organization it was you’d get it too), actually quite doable because her family, friends, and service people knew I was her partner. Smooth sailing, we could do this all day everyday, right? Wrong! After six months I started to exhibit what I call side effects of The Great Pretender Game – anxiety, sadness, questioning my own identity. Is it that deep? Yes! Think about it, you have to hide an aspect of yourself, your life, that’s a huge part of you. You live it, breathe it, day in and day out. It’s like the blood circulating through your veins – always apart of you – now you’re intermittently required to deny your partner and be denied when you should be able to do what “normal” couples do and openly discuss and display your love for each other. So I became quiet, I wasn’t my outgoing, talk to, socialize with everybody self. And that’s so not me.

Pretending, for me, is physically, and more so, emotionally draining. And yet I find myself required to do so from time to time in my current relationship. Mrs. Right is not completely out. Her mother and I believe two or three of her friends know that I’m her girlfriend, but to the rest of the world I’m either a casual friend or in the eyes of her daughter a playmate. When you love someone you tend to do things that will make them happy and sometimes things that aren’t your first choice. You do a benefits analysis to see if what your future holds is worth far more than a few misfortunes. It is. But the emotional toll pretending has taken on me is no fun. At the end of the day I just want some understanding, appreciation, and acknowledgment of what I have to go through when I’m not allowed to be myself. Sometimes I just want to shout “Does anyone care what this is doing to me, what I have to go through?!?” I remember when I was working fulltime and attending school fulltime and I was in a relationship. I barely saw my girlfriend and aside from my constant work and school overload, I was always concerned about what my hectic schedule was doing to her because it was forcing her to pick up where I no longer could. I made up for it in other ways and always let her know that I knew this wasn’t easy for her but I’m going to do whatever I can to make things better for her.

Robin Thicke wrote the perfect song for situations like this. “I Don’t How It Feels To Be You” was originally written for Paula because he wanted her to know that he understood what she had to go through in terms of her race, their marriage, and her career….