Contact Me

Earlier today a friend of mine who reads my blog asked me a question: “How do your readers get in contact with you?” My response was that I have a comments section beneath each blog and if folks want to ask me questions or leave their opinions they are more than welcome to do so.

My Friend: But what if someone doesn’t want to send you a public message? Shouldn’t you have a way for them to asks questions or make suggestions without it being out in the open?

Hmmm…she’s correct! So here it is, an email address dedicated strictly to my readers

 Questions? Advice? Suggestions? Leave them here:
ContactLesbianInTheCity@gmail.com

 

This contact info will also be listed in my profile section as well

My Funny Valentine Weekend

Valentines Day hit the scene on Friday after the east coast was slammed with a heavy dose of snow. Couple that with being single and having your plans change made this Valentines Day weekend more interesting than not. 

Normally, I venture to DC for the annual Valentines Day Punany Poets performance at The Crucible (if you’ve never heard of them or seen them perform I highly suggest you check them out) but the snow ruined that overnight trip idea so one of my good friends and I decided to spend Valentines Day at one of the bars in the Gayborhood. Like me, my friend is a weather whimp so she asked me to reschedule for another day. I told her we’d catch up at my martini soiree this weekend because I was determined not to spend Valentines Day at home. 

My game plan was to grab a bite to eat at Fridays and then head to the movies to see About Last Night (which I still haven’t seen, I’ll tell you why in a minute). One of my cousins decided to join me as she too was single and without plans for Valentines Day. We sat at the bar where there were other singles out celebrating the holiday and preparing to see the movie, mixing, mingling, laughing, eating, drinking. Five Captian Morgan Rum Punch’s later we were still at the bar and had missed the start time for the movie. Oh well, I can always see it one night during the week when I’m bored.

Saturday I worked 12.5 hours in the emergency department. I’m learning how the holiday operate in hospitals, especially the emergency department. I walked into the main hub to trays of cookies, candy, and all things red. Little “love notes” in our mailboxes from the Attending Physicians and conversations about how hectic it was the night before. There’s a high possibility that I’ll be working on Valentines Days so at least I know what to expect

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And to wind down my weekend I had Sunday brunch with a group of friends at Adelphia Restaurant in Deptford, NJ. I loved it and the bellinis were flowing like water – just the way I like them. We’ll be going back for sure for brunch and an awesome happy hour on Fridays.

My Valentines Day weekend didn’t suck afterall. 

Up next (the topic you really want me to cover) the chronicles of my juggling act, otherwise known as dating life…

Hello 2014

Happy New Year Loves! I’ve been MIA but with good reason. 2014 started off with a mass of technological issues and a massive load of school responsibilities which prevented me from blogging the entire month of January. 

First, my cellphone started acting up. Now mind you it’s time for me upgrade to a newer version of the Samsung Galaxy but between my chargers breaking down (for reasons still unknown to me as they cost me a pretty penny) and my phone shutting itself off whenever it felt like it (another mystery to me as there is absolutely nothing wrong with my phone, it was confirmed by 3 tech guys who know their shit! Ugh!). Three days later, all my cellphone issues are resolved. Cool, I can move on with my crazy, hectic life, right? WRONG! Ugh!!!!

One day while I was working on my clinical paperwork for school my Samsung Ultrabook power cord stopped working i.e. it wouldn’t charge my battery. I had to shutdown my laptop to preserve what little energy my battery had left (of course it drained anyway over the next week) and go on a manhunt for a new power cord. I went to Best Buy, Walmart, Radio Shack, even Target (whom I am avoiding the same way I avoid Jury Duty – like the plague!) and guess what? None of them carry universal power cords that fit my laptop. F*ck My Life!!!!! So I had to go on Amazon and order the right power cord for my laptop…and wait 3-5 days for it to arrive. 

Day 5 my power cord arrives (Yay!!!!!) and of course I have a ton of school work to catch up on at this point so I’m back on my typing grind when I decide to take a break for dinner. I have a mini girl talk session with my Mother while I eat dinner then get my second wind and get back on my typing grind…when my laptop restarts itself (WTF?!?). I’m thinking maybe I forgot to do an update so I don’t freak out…until it says Boot Manager Missing! F*ck!!!!!!! Now I know enough about computers to know to attempt a recovery but it didn’t work. It was time to get a higher level of technical help. I went to a computer pro who told me what I thought – the hard drive is bad and pretty much dead. I agreed to the repair, the price was right, and was promised my laptop in 4 business days (even better). 

The day before my laptop was supposed to be ready I called the computer pro to check on the status of my repair and arrange pick up time. I was informed that the hard drive was delayed and they could not track it so they had no idea when they could begin repair. I asked when I could come retrieve my laptop so that I could have another company complete the repair. Another person gets on the phone and says he was able to track it and it will be in tomorrow and I could pick up my laptop the following day. I gave them a little benefit and told them I’d be calling at 2:00 PM the day it comes in so I can arrange pick up time. Due date arrives, I call and still no hard drive. At this point I’m done so I tell them I’ll be there to retrieve my laptop at 2:00 PM. The guy starts yelling at me, telling me I’m unreasonable and they’re a small business. Ummmm not my problem, give me my property and lets be done with each other. I finally took my laptop to a computer shop in Philly and it was repaired in 3 days, No issues, no hassles, no run around, and better price. 

In the midst of all of this my Obstetrics rotation kicked off so it’s more test, new content, new techniques. I have to admit I love OB. I’m considering it as a specialty area. I passed all my exams and next up is Pediatrics. Not something I am looking for to as I am not good with strangers kids…or parents with a screwed up sense of entitlement. Shoot me now!

As you can see 2014 didn’t start off according to plan but I’ve been decorating my home, going on dates, and just putting things in order for my future. I’ll blog about all that soon.

 
What have you been up to since the new year kicked off?

Endings & New Beginnings

Shouting Happy 57^th Birthday to the best Mother in the world! Part of the reason why I am the woman I am today is because of her unconditional love, care, support. My Mother accepts me for me, no judgment, no shame, no compromise.

As 2013 comes to an end I realized some things in my life are also beginning. I just survived one of the toughest terms of my senior year in Nursing School (although my Final is tomorrow, I could get the bare minimum and still pass the term), I ended my residency in Philadelphia, and I buried some of my long held beliefs and stubbornness in the realm of dating and relationships.

2014 is going to be full of nothing but new beginnings. Over this past weekend I moved into my NJ apartment and I am loving it! I’m close to all my favorite NJ hangouts and I can get wine at midnight any day of the week! I could never do this in Philly thanks to the Pennsyl-prohibition state laws regarding where wine and other “spirits” could be sold and the days/hours those stores are allowed to be open. It resulted in stocking up trips and waiting in long lines at the State Store a day or two before a holiday or using your lunch break to stock up for the trip home because by the time you got off the store was closed. And my tried and true favorite – making a trip to NJ and smuggling wine across the border. Yes, PA is brutal! And I loves my vino.

January 2^nd I hit the ground running to finish my final year of Nursing School so graduation and NCLEX preparations will commence as well as applying for a spot at a BSN program (maybe even considering the BSN-MSN option just to get it out the way). The biggest new beginning in 2014 for me will be saying bye bye to my 20’s and hello to Flirty Thirty! That’s one new beginning I am certainly looking forward to.

So farewell 2013, it's been fun. I learned, I've grown.

2014 please be nothing short of amazingly, wonderfully, kind, loving, and good to me...

Single Lady

There’s nowhere to begin other than to just dive right in. Mrs. Right and I are no more. Yesterday officially marked the end of our relationship, although truthfully (and by her own admission) she had checked out on our relationship long before then. The mind boggling thing for me at this moment is why I’m okay about it. Like, when I’ve had break ups in the past it took me some time to get over the heartache. But I’m actually at peace and I think I know why.

Here’s the part you all want to hear – why we broke up! When Mrs. Right and I initially met and began our relationship I expressed to her my desires for the future i.e. family, career, etc. Now I knew upfront what I was getting into in regards to her – divorced, single mother, closeted professionally and somewhat in her personal life, first long term lesbian relationship. I have never dated a single mother before and I knew that it would require a lot of patience, understanding, and learning to navigate additional people in our lives i.e. ex-husband. Mrs. Right expressed the same interest and acceptance of my desires for the future, in fact we even started planning things for what would have been an awesome future together…that is until I quickly learned we were never on the same page.

Slowly but surely my Dream Girl turned herself off and away from me. Now I gave her no reason to do so because not once did I ever pressure or demand anything of her. In fact, I did everything that one could do to keep that relationship going strong. She was never neglected, I was always supportive – she wanted to start her CPA studies, I told her I’d help her study and even offered for us to build study days into our weekends together. She wanted to go back to school for her Ph.D. which would require her to potentially cut back her hours at work, I told her that if this happens when we’re under the same roof then we’ll just make the necessary financial adjustments and it’ll be fine. I want her to accomplish her dreams. She considered teaching as an adjunct professor, I told her I’d reach out to my academic contacts and help her find teaching positions and if she secured one I had no problem caring for her daughter (which was our daughter) while she did that. Everything she wanted to do or needed help with I was there and had her back 100%. Why? Because that’s what you do when you love someone.

Over time Mrs. Right started to verbalize her fears about our future together. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to raise another child, she was fearful about how things would turn out for us. I did my best to ease those fears by explaining to her that neither of us can predict the future, we just have to go along for the ride and keep the lines of communication open. She was okay…until she wasn’t again. This time it was one I could not change. She told me that whenever we’re together she gets a bad vibe, like something is not right but she can’t completely describe the feeling. She was turned off by me and from what she has told me it’s basically the entire relationship. I don’t know how or why because I’ve done nothing wrong (and she even admits that part)!

And that’s why I believe I’m doing so well with this. I put my heart and soul into this relationship. I did something I didn’t think I’d ever be able to do – date a single mother – and guess what I did it well. From day one I stepped up and committed myself to her and her daughter and whatever may come from that situation. Although it was challenging a time or two, I learned how to navigate a new situation. I gave my all because years from now she can never look back and say I wasn't honest, I wasn't sincere, I wasn't true, I wasn't genuine, I wasn't supportive, I wasn't affectionate, I wasn't dedicated.

Did I gain anything? Yes I did. I love good kids and her daughter was a wonderful one. I love her dearly but I learned she was a different level of love for me. How someone so small has the power to warm my heart and always put a smile on my face is still beyond me. But I loved and cherished every second of it. She's going to be a beautiful lady someday.

Back to the drawing board…Next up, my move to NJ…

The (Not So) Great Pretender

Imagine waking up one morning and being told you have to pretend to be someone you’re not from time to time. I’ll admit at first it sounds doable, I mean anyone can handle that! How far-fetched can it really be, right? Hmmmm…Now say you’ve lived your life as a Fashion Designer. It’s who you are, it’s your identity, you live, eat, breath fashion. When people think of you, aside from your fabulous personality and other good traits, they equate you with fashion designing. So as part of your pretending you are told you have to be a Biochemical Engineer. Now you have absolutely no background whatsoever in biochemical engineering, hell you probably didn’t know it was a major in college less know how to actually spell the damn title. Again, it can’t be that bad, right? It’s only from time to time, right? So you start pretending when required of you, you can fake some knowledge here and there, and refrain from talking about fashion for a little while but eventually you desire to be your authentic self. You want to talk about fashion and things related to it, you want to be open and honest about your background in the fashion industry, you want to display your love and passion for fashion because after all everyone else around you gets to be who they are, they don’t have to pretend. But in order for you to be in their presence you are required to pretend so you sit quietly, stifling your voice, your personality, your authentic self, hoping time passes by quickly so you can return to what you have always known and always have been. That is until the next time you are required to pretend.

I’ve been a Lesbian my entire life. I’ve never had any kind of relationship or sexual or intimate nature with a man and I don’t ever intend to do so. Aside from the many titles and roles I hold, I’m a Lesbian. I love being a Lesbian and everything it stands for and everything it encompasses. I love who I am and the only changes I want to make are those that improve who I am as a woman who wants to contribute nothing but good things to this world. I’ve never lived a closeted life unless it was imposed upon me. I spent 4 years of my life with a woman who could not be out because of her CEO position within an organization. It was understandable to a certain extent (if you knew what kind of organization it was you’d get it too), actually quite doable because her family, friends, and service people knew I was her partner. Smooth sailing, we could do this all day everyday, right? Wrong! After six months I started to exhibit what I call side effects of The Great Pretender Game – anxiety, sadness, questioning my own identity. Is it that deep? Yes! Think about it, you have to hide an aspect of yourself, your life, that’s a huge part of you. You live it, breathe it, day in and day out. It’s like the blood circulating through your veins – always apart of you – now you’re intermittently required to deny your partner and be denied when you should be able to do what “normal” couples do and openly discuss and display your love for each other. So I became quiet, I wasn’t my outgoing, talk to, socialize with everybody self. And that’s so not me.

Pretending, for me, is physically, and more so, emotionally draining. And yet I find myself required to do so from time to time in my current relationship. Mrs. Right is not completely out. Her mother and I believe two or three of her friends know that I’m her girlfriend, but to the rest of the world I’m either a casual friend or in the eyes of her daughter a playmate. When you love someone you tend to do things that will make them happy and sometimes things that aren’t your first choice. You do a benefits analysis to see if what your future holds is worth far more than a few misfortunes. It is. But the emotional toll pretending has taken on me is no fun. At the end of the day I just want some understanding, appreciation, and acknowledgment of what I have to go through when I’m not allowed to be myself. Sometimes I just want to shout “Does anyone care what this is doing to me, what I have to go through?!?” I remember when I was working fulltime and attending school fulltime and I was in a relationship. I barely saw my girlfriend and aside from my constant work and school overload, I was always concerned about what my hectic schedule was doing to her because it was forcing her to pick up where I no longer could. I made up for it in other ways and always let her know that I knew this wasn’t easy for her but I’m going to do whatever I can to make things better for her.

Robin Thicke wrote the perfect song for situations like this. “I Don’t How It Feels To Be You” was originally written for Paula because he wanted her to know that he understood what she had to go through in terms of her race, their marriage, and her career….

The Cheating Curve

There may be three blog post this month because this one I just had to get out of my head. Before I get onto my soapbox, Mrs. Right and I are three months in. Again, Happy Anniversary Babe! Some people may say it’s crazy to “celebrate” such a short milestone but this is one of the (many) ways we show each other how important our relationship is to us…and to the world.

Cheating. Let me start by saying that I in no way, shape, or form have ever cheated on anyone I have been in a relationship with, nor do I condone cheating, I don’t accept it in my relationships and I will end my relationship with a Cheater – no if’s, and’s, or but’s about it! OVER! During brunch with Mrs. Right, one of my good friends got the confirmation she had been seeking that her girlfriend of 2.5 years was cheating on her. It really hit home with me because I know exactly how she’s feeling, the exact thoughts that are going through her mind, and I know it will take her a long time to fully trust women again. Been there, done that.

Before anyone gets into a monogamous relationship, I suggest that they have a talk with their partner about cheating – have they ever cheated during a relationship and what do they consider cheating – which reminds me I should have that talk with Mrs. Right ASAP! The definition of cheating varies from person to person. Some say physical intimacy is what defines cheating, some believe in emotional cheating where you are emotionally invested in someone other than your partner, some go as far to say that thinking about having sex with a person other than your partner is cheating.

To me, cheating is any form of physical or emotional intimacy vested in another love interest (whether it be a mutual interest or one sided) outside of your relationship. One thing I have learned is to watch behaviors and listen very carefully, and if nothing else GO WITH YOUR GUT FEELING. If a conversation doesn’t sound right, all of a sudden destinations get changed, new friends that can’t seem to meet you but your partner is always with them or your partner stops giving you information or checking in like they used to and you get a feeling (no matter how hard they try to convince you otherwise) that something is up. It is!

Communication is the easiest, yet the hardest thing for two people to do, but it is essential to any relationship. I don’t understand how hard it is for someone to be an adult, admit that they are no longer feeling their partner and their relationship and move on without the added messiness and drama that cheating brings. I guess some folks just like to have their cake and eat it too.

Not with this woman…

The Business of Getting Pregnant

Nursing 201 is now complete…and I don’t miss it one bit. Nursing School has become a drag. Bitchy classmates, bitchy instructors, and just bitchy people in general. It’s mentally exhausting and I cannot wait for it to be over so I can get on with the next chapter in my life.

The other day on Facebook one of my Lesbian couple friends posted that they were celebrating their daughter’s Creation Day which was the day they went to their doctor and began their insemination/conception journey. As stressed out as I was this made me smile because reality set in that this time next year I’ll be preparing to do the same.

For a long time I debated about adoption first, conception two years post or conception first, adoption maybe. Before my Godmother passed in 2011, during one of our last conversations she asked me to give her a natural born granddaughter (she had three boys and got two grandsons, it’s time for some serious estrogen in the family). I promised I would. (Crossing my fingers) And I will.

Planned pregnancies with no “Penis Partner” (as my Midwife likes to call them) involvement can be expensive. As much as I have willing, very attractive, Asian doctors who would love to make Blasian babies with me. I’m sure they prefer the conventional method of conception. And that is never an option. A vial of sperm from California Cryobank can run you from $550-$750. You have the option of Intracervical Insemination (ICI) and Intrauterine Insemination (IUI). The latter is more expensive yet gives you a better chance at conception because the doctor places the sperm high up in the uterus to practically meet the egg. Cool stuff! If you’re not much of a Fertile Myrtle an HCG Trigger Shot and/or Clomid can cost $50-$150 if your insurance won’t cover them (since they are considered infertility aids most insurances have guidelines for covering them). Your insemination appointment can range from $200-$500. All of this for just one round of insemination. I hope I conceive the first, definitely second time.

So where am I now? A few days ago I went to have some lab work done and my doctor (remembering how much I want a family and my plan for starting one) suggested that I see my Midwife for a “baseline work up”. Basically they can assess where I am health wise in reference to conception, give me tips for increasing my chances of conception and for preparing my body for pregnancy. She also gave me information about a group called Single Mothers by Choice. They provide tons of information and avenues for support via their website.

I know it’s a year away and some people think it’s too soon for me to be so excited. But when you’ve wanted something so bad for so long the journey to get there remains a constant source of motivation. At least for me it has been…

What Makes a Family

Relationships change you, give you new and interesting perspectives on life, and some even deliver that hard pill to swallow kind of lessons we don’t want but need to learn. I am happy to say that my relationship with Mrs. Right has been nothing but a positive experience all around, and despite everything in my life that is stressing me out she is the one thing that brings me peace, joy, and ultimate happiness.

Another person that makes me happy is my Pumpkin! As I mentioned before, Mrs. Right has a beautiful daughter who turned 8 this July. Before I met my Pumpkin I was excited about her and I spoiled her just as much as I spoiled her Mother. Mrs. Right and I have been doing a lot of planning for our future and she will be a part of my pregnancy journey next year so rightfully I asked her when she planned to talk to my Pumpkin about us. Because lets be real here, we can’t be okay with planning our lives together when her daughter will be a huge part of this relationship. To my surprise Mrs. Right suggested that we have our first family dinner so that my Pumpkin and I could start bonding with each other. Perfection!

The day before our scheduled dinner, I was at work caring for an elderly Italian man who tried to set me up with one of his sons and promised I’d be taken care of for life. I thought it was cute (and the typical encounter I have with male patients who find me to be attractive) so I texted Mrs. Right about the funny experience and her response brought tears to my eyes. She said “tell him your daughter already is…” It stopped me in my tracks, I was literally in the middle of the hall speechless. I read her message again (hey sometimes your eyes can play tricks on you) and the tears filled my eyes. Why? Because for Mrs. Right to speak of me and my Pumpkin in that regard means she’s totally onboard with us being a family. And I know it’s not easy but that’s a big step. So of course I showed my Pumpkin off to my patient.

Our first family dinner was a blast! My Pumpkin and I bonded immediately and I could tell that Mrs. Right was at ease that things were going so smoothly. My Pumpkin is a very smart and very inquisitive. During dinner she asked if we could do a sleepover on Friday since she had a soccer game that I promised to attend on Saturday. Mrs. Right and I worked out the details and our Family Girls Night was fun! I got to assess how Mrs. Right and I would maneuver with kids as a family and everything was perfect!

This entire experience has been a reality moment for me because my thinking and priorities are now adjusted. I no longer desire to work the overnight shift because I’d rather be home with my family. Sometimes I pass up on opportunities to have a night on the town with my friends because I often work on the weekends so my overnights with Mrs. Right have been scattered and I know the value of quality time in a relationship. It’s very important so I give to her what she needs.

I finally have the one thing I have always wanted…a Family…

All Roads Lead to New Jersey

Just when I thought life could not get more hectic, August 5^th hit the scene and it has been a whirlwind of studying, employment orientation, and barely sleeping nights. The shining star in all this madness is my wonderful, loving, supportive girlfriend – Mrs. Right. A supportive mate is hard to come by but she has been nothing short of understanding regarding the demands in my life.

It looks like I have secured my nursing future and one of the best health systems in PA thus eliminating my need to head for the southern border once I have my RN license in hand. Mrs. Right and I have been talking about our future a lot. Yes, I know we’re only almost two months in but we’re definitely on the same page in terms what we want and where we want to go in the future. And quite frankly it’s not like we’re planning on getting married tomorrow, next week, next month, or even next year. We just have a clear direction of where this relationship is going.

I’m over living in Philadelphia and PA in general. I’m watching areas once safe and livable decline into drug and violence infested gang territories. So where do I go? New Jersey! That’s right, the Garden State, the home of the infamous Jersey Shore aka Snookie show. Why New Jersey? For one, Mrs. Right resides there and I spend my weekends with her (unless she comes to Philly to be with me for a weekend). I love to escape from the city and be with her is domestic, peaceful, bliss. The areas I have considered moving to are close enough for me to get back and forth across the bridge to work in Philly without too much of a hassle. When considering the long haul i.e. children, family, etc., New Jersey has some areas with excellent school districts, parks and recreation centers, and affordable homes in safe, clean areas. And my personal favorite – The Vineyards! New Jersey has plenty and I plan to discover them all.

I'm excited about life, I'm excited about my future. The remainder of 2013 will be spent exploring New Jersey and deciding where to move May 2014...