Imagine
waking up one morning and being told you have to pretend to be someone you’re
not from time to time. I’ll admit at first it sounds doable, I mean anyone can
handle that! How far-fetched can it really be, right? Hmmmm…Now say you’ve
lived your life as a Fashion Designer. It’s who you are, it’s your identity,
you live, eat, breath fashion. When people think of you, aside from your
fabulous personality and other good traits, they equate you with fashion
designing. So as part of your pretending you are told you have to be a
Biochemical Engineer. Now you have absolutely no background whatsoever in
biochemical engineering, hell you probably didn’t know it was a major in
college less know how to actually spell the damn title. Again, it can’t be that
bad, right? It’s only from time to time, right? So you start pretending when
required of you, you can fake some knowledge here and there, and refrain from
talking about fashion for a little while but eventually you desire to be your
authentic self. You want to talk about fashion and things related to it, you
want to be open and honest about your background in the fashion industry, you
want to display your love and passion for fashion because after all everyone
else around you gets to be who they are, they don’t have to pretend. But in
order for you to be in their presence you are required to pretend so you sit
quietly, stifling your voice, your personality, your authentic self, hoping
time passes by quickly so you can return to what you have always known and
always have been. That is until the next time you are required to pretend.
I’ve been a
Lesbian my entire life. I’ve never had any kind of relationship or sexual or
intimate nature with a man and I don’t ever intend to do so. Aside from the
many titles and roles I hold, I’m a Lesbian. I love being a Lesbian and
everything it stands for and everything it encompasses. I love who I am and the
only changes I want to make are those that improve who I am as a woman who
wants to contribute nothing but good things to this world. I’ve never lived a
closeted life unless it was imposed upon me. I spent 4 years of my life with a
woman who could not be out because of her CEO position within an organization. It
was understandable to a certain extent (if you knew what kind of organization
it was you’d get it too), actually quite doable because her family, friends,
and service people knew I was her partner. Smooth sailing, we could do this all
day everyday, right? Wrong! After six months I started to exhibit what I call
side effects of The Great Pretender Game – anxiety, sadness, questioning my own
identity. Is it that deep? Yes! Think about it, you have to hide an aspect of
yourself, your life, that’s a huge part of you. You live it, breathe it, day in
and day out. It’s like the blood circulating through your veins – always apart
of you – now you’re intermittently required to deny your partner and be denied
when you should be able to do what “normal” couples do and openly discuss and
display your love for each other. So I became quiet, I wasn’t my outgoing,
talk to, socialize with everybody self. And that’s so not me.
Pretending,
for me, is physically, and more so, emotionally draining. And yet I find myself
required to do so from time to time in my current relationship. Mrs. Right is
not completely out. Her mother and I believe two or three of her friends know
that I’m her girlfriend, but to the rest of the world I’m either a casual
friend or in the eyes of her daughter a playmate. When you love someone you
tend to do things that will make them happy and sometimes things that aren’t
your first choice. You do a benefits analysis to see if what your future holds
is worth far more than a few misfortunes. It is. But the emotional toll
pretending has taken on me is no fun. At the end of the day I just want some
understanding, appreciation, and acknowledgment of what I have to go through
when I’m not allowed to be myself. Sometimes I just want to shout “Does anyone
care what this is doing to me, what I have to go through?!?” I remember when I
was working fulltime and attending school fulltime and I was in a relationship.
I barely saw my girlfriend and aside from my constant work and school overload,
I was always concerned about what my hectic schedule was doing to her because it
was forcing her to pick up where I no longer could. I made up for it in
other ways and always let her know that I knew this wasn’t easy for her but I’m
going to do whatever I can to make things better for her.
Robin Thicke
wrote the perfect song for situations like this. “I Don’t How It Feels To Be
You” was originally written for Paula because he wanted her to know that he
understood what she had to go through in terms of her race, their marriage, and
her career….
