The Same Difference: Addressing The Problem within the African-American Lesbian Community

There has always been this constant turmoil, tension, and discrimination within the African-American Lesbian community and finally someone has brought this shit to the light with The Same Difference Documentary. As I have mentioned before, somewhere along the lines some group of Lesbians within the community decided that there should be rules about how African-American Lesbians date, have relationships, and present themselves. 

If African-American Lesbians are going to date/have a relationship then one must always be masculine identified (Stud) and the other must always be feminine identified (Femme).  There is a strong emphasis on heteronormative pairings, right on down who is allowed to do what in terms of household chores, paying for dates, opening doors, etc. These ridged pairing rules have poisoned the minds of young and older Lesbians, so much to the point that if two masculine or two feminine Lesbians decide to go against the grain and have a relationship they are ridiculed and outcast within the African-American Lesbian community. They are subject to harsh criticism and even in some cases violence. 

African-American Lesbians have this strong holding to labels and there are only two you can choose from: Stud or Femme. There’s no in between or room for any variations. If you identify as Stud you’re only allowed to rock locs or low cut Caesar, you cannot wear makeup, hair extensions or anything that is deemed girly. If you identify as Femme you’re supposed to wear makeup, heels, extensions or have flowing hair, you’re expected to wear more form fitting feminine attire. There is such an emphasis on clothing and outer appearance that Lesbians who dress outside of the box are told they’re not real Stud’s or real Femme’s. A good example is one of my favorite performers King Kellz. She’s a Stud but she wears extensions, and wears makeup during her performances. Just the fact that she wears extensions, she is ridiculed by the African-American Lesbian community because she is not their definition of a real Stud. There are Femmes who like to wear snapbacks or fitted’s, baggy jeans along with their makeup yet they are told that Femme’s don’t dress like that. God forbid you refuse to choose a style; you are ridiculed even more and may even be labeled as confused. 

And my favorite one of them all (not really but it’s one of my favorite debates because I love to shut ignorant people down), the notion that a Stud - who still happens to be a woman with all her womanly parts – is not allowed to have a baby. That’s right, we are that damn ignorant and stupid to give shit to other women for doing what God has given them the gift to do all because we are too stupid to look beyond the clothes and attitude to understand that the clothes don’t make the woman. She still gets her period every month, she still has breast which will enable her to breastfeed if she chooses, she can still wear whatever she wants and sport a baby bump. In the movie, a Stud was carrying a baby because her wife was unable to do so. A 27 year old ignorant child was hating on her because of her decision to carry their child. The pure ignorance and hate that was coming from this child was unbelievable. When did she get the right is it to tell a woman what she can do with her body? When did she get the right to be all up in their business? Who cares how this woman got pregnant? The fact that this child only believes that pregnancy can occur via sexual intercourse with a male just proves how uneducated and ignorant the younger generation of Lesbians are. 

I’m a Lesbian, always have been, always will be. Many would classify me as Femme, I say I’m Femme but I also have my Tomboyish ways. I like heels and makeup, but I will happily rock a fitted, jeans, and oversized tee or hoodie with no makeup on. I want to have a child but I also have a partner who would happily carry a baby for me if I could not, and she is more masculine than I am. I am comfortable with who I am, but I have been one of those women that African-American Lesbians just don’t know how to take. I like feminine women, I also like women who are on the more Tomboy end of the spectrum but women who are (in my opinion) too masculine aren’t my cup of tea. And that’s okay. We all have or preferences and differences, so let’s stop the hatred and discrimination. We have one thing in common – we all love women. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Holidays With The New Family

Nina and I survived our first Thanksgiving with her family. Normally, I go to my cousin’s home then head to my grandparents followed by capping my evening off at my best friend’s home. This was our first major holiday together, and I thought it would be great to spend it getting to know the new family as it’s very likely we’ll be spending holidays or some other social time with so why not get the initial meet and greets over with, right? 

I worked three 12 hour shifts the days before Thanksgiving so naturally I was the walking dead come turkey day. Nina’s mother insisted that dinner be at 2:00PM which meant no sleeping in for me (F*ck!!!!!!!). I promised Nina’s mother that I would make the Chessman Banana Pudding that she loved so when I got in on Wednesday evening I made the pudding and passed out shortly afterwards.

The weeks leading up to Thanksgiving, Nina ran down the guest list for me. Her triplet nephews (who are our favorite boys in the world), their parent’s, and her older sister and her new man would be joining us. I’d miss out on meeting her uncles and cousins because Nina’s mother never has Thanksgiving dinner on Thanksgiving because of her previous work life. Now that she is retired, dinner was on schedule as it should be.  I had already heard stories about Nina’s older sister, and they weren’t so great. Meeting someone for the first time, I kept an open mind.

When Nina’s mother returned to the house with her older sister and her new man, I said hello to both of them. Nina’s older sister shook my hand and said “Oh well great, now I met you” in the most sarcastic, bitchy way possible. I said okay and walked away. The rest of the evening I avoided her and her new man as well as any eye contact or communication with them. Nina told me her older sister was a bitch but yeah she showed her true colors from the door.

The entire evening I focused my attention on Nina’s nephews, their parents, and Nina’s parents. I said not one word to her older sister or her new man. They were treated as inanimate objects at the other end of the table. Nina didn’t talk to her sister at all either. After dinner the boys wanted to play Phase 10 with us so we broke out the card game and got down to business. I guess Nina’s mother was uncomfortable with the noticeable tension and silence so she tried to get her older sister to join us for the game. Didn’t work. In fact, Nina’s nephews told Nina’s mother that “this is a private game.” Translation – the bitch ain’t playing with us! If I had any doubts about whether the boys cared for Nina’s older sister they were just solidified. Yikes!

Around 8:30PM Nina and I decided it was time to head home. We hugged and kissed the boys, their parents, Nina’s mother and stepfather. We said a general non-specific Bye to her older sister and her new man and headed for the door. The next day Nina told me that her mother called and asked her why none of us interacted with each other. Nina said she told her mother off. I’m glad. Next year, Nina and I plan on having our own Thanksgiving with friends and some family members. 

Next we’re celebrating Hanukkah and Christmas. One of Nina’s gifts has already arrived and I am debating on waiting until Christmas to give it to her or Hanukkah. I got her four things and hopes she likes them. She asked me what I wanted to Christmas and Hanukkah. I told her a massage package and some boots. 

Our Hanukkah-Christmas Mash Up tree is up and we have plans for our first New Year’s Eve. Looks like 2015 is ending on a good note for me. My locs journey is progressing beautifully, the new place feels more like a home, and I have a fabulous girlfriend. 2015, who knew?