Endings & New Beginnings

Shouting Happy 57^th Birthday to the best Mother in the world! Part of the reason why I am the woman I am today is because of her unconditional love, care, support. My Mother accepts me for me, no judgment, no shame, no compromise.

As 2013 comes to an end I realized some things in my life are also beginning. I just survived one of the toughest terms of my senior year in Nursing School (although my Final is tomorrow, I could get the bare minimum and still pass the term), I ended my residency in Philadelphia, and I buried some of my long held beliefs and stubbornness in the realm of dating and relationships.

2014 is going to be full of nothing but new beginnings. Over this past weekend I moved into my NJ apartment and I am loving it! I’m close to all my favorite NJ hangouts and I can get wine at midnight any day of the week! I could never do this in Philly thanks to the Pennsyl-prohibition state laws regarding where wine and other “spirits” could be sold and the days/hours those stores are allowed to be open. It resulted in stocking up trips and waiting in long lines at the State Store a day or two before a holiday or using your lunch break to stock up for the trip home because by the time you got off the store was closed. And my tried and true favorite – making a trip to NJ and smuggling wine across the border. Yes, PA is brutal! And I loves my vino.

January 2^nd I hit the ground running to finish my final year of Nursing School so graduation and NCLEX preparations will commence as well as applying for a spot at a BSN program (maybe even considering the BSN-MSN option just to get it out the way). The biggest new beginning in 2014 for me will be saying bye bye to my 20’s and hello to Flirty Thirty! That’s one new beginning I am certainly looking forward to.

So farewell 2013, it's been fun. I learned, I've grown.

2014 please be nothing short of amazingly, wonderfully, kind, loving, and good to me...

Single Lady

There’s nowhere to begin other than to just dive right in. Mrs. Right and I are no more. Yesterday officially marked the end of our relationship, although truthfully (and by her own admission) she had checked out on our relationship long before then. The mind boggling thing for me at this moment is why I’m okay about it. Like, when I’ve had break ups in the past it took me some time to get over the heartache. But I’m actually at peace and I think I know why.

Here’s the part you all want to hear – why we broke up! When Mrs. Right and I initially met and began our relationship I expressed to her my desires for the future i.e. family, career, etc. Now I knew upfront what I was getting into in regards to her – divorced, single mother, closeted professionally and somewhat in her personal life, first long term lesbian relationship. I have never dated a single mother before and I knew that it would require a lot of patience, understanding, and learning to navigate additional people in our lives i.e. ex-husband. Mrs. Right expressed the same interest and acceptance of my desires for the future, in fact we even started planning things for what would have been an awesome future together…that is until I quickly learned we were never on the same page.

Slowly but surely my Dream Girl turned herself off and away from me. Now I gave her no reason to do so because not once did I ever pressure or demand anything of her. In fact, I did everything that one could do to keep that relationship going strong. She was never neglected, I was always supportive – she wanted to start her CPA studies, I told her I’d help her study and even offered for us to build study days into our weekends together. She wanted to go back to school for her Ph.D. which would require her to potentially cut back her hours at work, I told her that if this happens when we’re under the same roof then we’ll just make the necessary financial adjustments and it’ll be fine. I want her to accomplish her dreams. She considered teaching as an adjunct professor, I told her I’d reach out to my academic contacts and help her find teaching positions and if she secured one I had no problem caring for her daughter (which was our daughter) while she did that. Everything she wanted to do or needed help with I was there and had her back 100%. Why? Because that’s what you do when you love someone.

Over time Mrs. Right started to verbalize her fears about our future together. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to raise another child, she was fearful about how things would turn out for us. I did my best to ease those fears by explaining to her that neither of us can predict the future, we just have to go along for the ride and keep the lines of communication open. She was okay…until she wasn’t again. This time it was one I could not change. She told me that whenever we’re together she gets a bad vibe, like something is not right but she can’t completely describe the feeling. She was turned off by me and from what she has told me it’s basically the entire relationship. I don’t know how or why because I’ve done nothing wrong (and she even admits that part)!

And that’s why I believe I’m doing so well with this. I put my heart and soul into this relationship. I did something I didn’t think I’d ever be able to do – date a single mother – and guess what I did it well. From day one I stepped up and committed myself to her and her daughter and whatever may come from that situation. Although it was challenging a time or two, I learned how to navigate a new situation. I gave my all because years from now she can never look back and say I wasn't honest, I wasn't sincere, I wasn't true, I wasn't genuine, I wasn't supportive, I wasn't affectionate, I wasn't dedicated.

Did I gain anything? Yes I did. I love good kids and her daughter was a wonderful one. I love her dearly but I learned she was a different level of love for me. How someone so small has the power to warm my heart and always put a smile on my face is still beyond me. But I loved and cherished every second of it. She's going to be a beautiful lady someday.

Back to the drawing board…Next up, my move to NJ…

The (Not So) Great Pretender

Imagine waking up one morning and being told you have to pretend to be someone you’re not from time to time. I’ll admit at first it sounds doable, I mean anyone can handle that! How far-fetched can it really be, right? Hmmmm…Now say you’ve lived your life as a Fashion Designer. It’s who you are, it’s your identity, you live, eat, breath fashion. When people think of you, aside from your fabulous personality and other good traits, they equate you with fashion designing. So as part of your pretending you are told you have to be a Biochemical Engineer. Now you have absolutely no background whatsoever in biochemical engineering, hell you probably didn’t know it was a major in college less know how to actually spell the damn title. Again, it can’t be that bad, right? It’s only from time to time, right? So you start pretending when required of you, you can fake some knowledge here and there, and refrain from talking about fashion for a little while but eventually you desire to be your authentic self. You want to talk about fashion and things related to it, you want to be open and honest about your background in the fashion industry, you want to display your love and passion for fashion because after all everyone else around you gets to be who they are, they don’t have to pretend. But in order for you to be in their presence you are required to pretend so you sit quietly, stifling your voice, your personality, your authentic self, hoping time passes by quickly so you can return to what you have always known and always have been. That is until the next time you are required to pretend.

I’ve been a Lesbian my entire life. I’ve never had any kind of relationship or sexual or intimate nature with a man and I don’t ever intend to do so. Aside from the many titles and roles I hold, I’m a Lesbian. I love being a Lesbian and everything it stands for and everything it encompasses. I love who I am and the only changes I want to make are those that improve who I am as a woman who wants to contribute nothing but good things to this world. I’ve never lived a closeted life unless it was imposed upon me. I spent 4 years of my life with a woman who could not be out because of her CEO position within an organization. It was understandable to a certain extent (if you knew what kind of organization it was you’d get it too), actually quite doable because her family, friends, and service people knew I was her partner. Smooth sailing, we could do this all day everyday, right? Wrong! After six months I started to exhibit what I call side effects of The Great Pretender Game – anxiety, sadness, questioning my own identity. Is it that deep? Yes! Think about it, you have to hide an aspect of yourself, your life, that’s a huge part of you. You live it, breathe it, day in and day out. It’s like the blood circulating through your veins – always apart of you – now you’re intermittently required to deny your partner and be denied when you should be able to do what “normal” couples do and openly discuss and display your love for each other. So I became quiet, I wasn’t my outgoing, talk to, socialize with everybody self. And that’s so not me.

Pretending, for me, is physically, and more so, emotionally draining. And yet I find myself required to do so from time to time in my current relationship. Mrs. Right is not completely out. Her mother and I believe two or three of her friends know that I’m her girlfriend, but to the rest of the world I’m either a casual friend or in the eyes of her daughter a playmate. When you love someone you tend to do things that will make them happy and sometimes things that aren’t your first choice. You do a benefits analysis to see if what your future holds is worth far more than a few misfortunes. It is. But the emotional toll pretending has taken on me is no fun. At the end of the day I just want some understanding, appreciation, and acknowledgment of what I have to go through when I’m not allowed to be myself. Sometimes I just want to shout “Does anyone care what this is doing to me, what I have to go through?!?” I remember when I was working fulltime and attending school fulltime and I was in a relationship. I barely saw my girlfriend and aside from my constant work and school overload, I was always concerned about what my hectic schedule was doing to her because it was forcing her to pick up where I no longer could. I made up for it in other ways and always let her know that I knew this wasn’t easy for her but I’m going to do whatever I can to make things better for her.

Robin Thicke wrote the perfect song for situations like this. “I Don’t How It Feels To Be You” was originally written for Paula because he wanted her to know that he understood what she had to go through in terms of her race, their marriage, and her career….

The Cheating Curve

There may be three blog post this month because this one I just had to get out of my head. Before I get onto my soapbox, Mrs. Right and I are three months in. Again, Happy Anniversary Babe! Some people may say it’s crazy to “celebrate” such a short milestone but this is one of the (many) ways we show each other how important our relationship is to us…and to the world.

Cheating. Let me start by saying that I in no way, shape, or form have ever cheated on anyone I have been in a relationship with, nor do I condone cheating, I don’t accept it in my relationships and I will end my relationship with a Cheater – no if’s, and’s, or but’s about it! OVER! During brunch with Mrs. Right, one of my good friends got the confirmation she had been seeking that her girlfriend of 2.5 years was cheating on her. It really hit home with me because I know exactly how she’s feeling, the exact thoughts that are going through her mind, and I know it will take her a long time to fully trust women again. Been there, done that.

Before anyone gets into a monogamous relationship, I suggest that they have a talk with their partner about cheating – have they ever cheated during a relationship and what do they consider cheating – which reminds me I should have that talk with Mrs. Right ASAP! The definition of cheating varies from person to person. Some say physical intimacy is what defines cheating, some believe in emotional cheating where you are emotionally invested in someone other than your partner, some go as far to say that thinking about having sex with a person other than your partner is cheating.

To me, cheating is any form of physical or emotional intimacy vested in another love interest (whether it be a mutual interest or one sided) outside of your relationship. One thing I have learned is to watch behaviors and listen very carefully, and if nothing else GO WITH YOUR GUT FEELING. If a conversation doesn’t sound right, all of a sudden destinations get changed, new friends that can’t seem to meet you but your partner is always with them or your partner stops giving you information or checking in like they used to and you get a feeling (no matter how hard they try to convince you otherwise) that something is up. It is!

Communication is the easiest, yet the hardest thing for two people to do, but it is essential to any relationship. I don’t understand how hard it is for someone to be an adult, admit that they are no longer feeling their partner and their relationship and move on without the added messiness and drama that cheating brings. I guess some folks just like to have their cake and eat it too.

Not with this woman…

The Business of Getting Pregnant

Nursing 201 is now complete…and I don’t miss it one bit. Nursing School has become a drag. Bitchy classmates, bitchy instructors, and just bitchy people in general. It’s mentally exhausting and I cannot wait for it to be over so I can get on with the next chapter in my life.

The other day on Facebook one of my Lesbian couple friends posted that they were celebrating their daughter’s Creation Day which was the day they went to their doctor and began their insemination/conception journey. As stressed out as I was this made me smile because reality set in that this time next year I’ll be preparing to do the same.

For a long time I debated about adoption first, conception two years post or conception first, adoption maybe. Before my Godmother passed in 2011, during one of our last conversations she asked me to give her a natural born granddaughter (she had three boys and got two grandsons, it’s time for some serious estrogen in the family). I promised I would. (Crossing my fingers) And I will.

Planned pregnancies with no “Penis Partner” (as my Midwife likes to call them) involvement can be expensive. As much as I have willing, very attractive, Asian doctors who would love to make Blasian babies with me. I’m sure they prefer the conventional method of conception. And that is never an option. A vial of sperm from California Cryobank can run you from $550-$750. You have the option of Intracervical Insemination (ICI) and Intrauterine Insemination (IUI). The latter is more expensive yet gives you a better chance at conception because the doctor places the sperm high up in the uterus to practically meet the egg. Cool stuff! If you’re not much of a Fertile Myrtle an HCG Trigger Shot and/or Clomid can cost $50-$150 if your insurance won’t cover them (since they are considered infertility aids most insurances have guidelines for covering them). Your insemination appointment can range from $200-$500. All of this for just one round of insemination. I hope I conceive the first, definitely second time.

So where am I now? A few days ago I went to have some lab work done and my doctor (remembering how much I want a family and my plan for starting one) suggested that I see my Midwife for a “baseline work up”. Basically they can assess where I am health wise in reference to conception, give me tips for increasing my chances of conception and for preparing my body for pregnancy. She also gave me information about a group called Single Mothers by Choice. They provide tons of information and avenues for support via their website.

I know it’s a year away and some people think it’s too soon for me to be so excited. But when you’ve wanted something so bad for so long the journey to get there remains a constant source of motivation. At least for me it has been…

What Makes a Family

Relationships change you, give you new and interesting perspectives on life, and some even deliver that hard pill to swallow kind of lessons we don’t want but need to learn. I am happy to say that my relationship with Mrs. Right has been nothing but a positive experience all around, and despite everything in my life that is stressing me out she is the one thing that brings me peace, joy, and ultimate happiness.

Another person that makes me happy is my Pumpkin! As I mentioned before, Mrs. Right has a beautiful daughter who turned 8 this July. Before I met my Pumpkin I was excited about her and I spoiled her just as much as I spoiled her Mother. Mrs. Right and I have been doing a lot of planning for our future and she will be a part of my pregnancy journey next year so rightfully I asked her when she planned to talk to my Pumpkin about us. Because lets be real here, we can’t be okay with planning our lives together when her daughter will be a huge part of this relationship. To my surprise Mrs. Right suggested that we have our first family dinner so that my Pumpkin and I could start bonding with each other. Perfection!

The day before our scheduled dinner, I was at work caring for an elderly Italian man who tried to set me up with one of his sons and promised I’d be taken care of for life. I thought it was cute (and the typical encounter I have with male patients who find me to be attractive) so I texted Mrs. Right about the funny experience and her response brought tears to my eyes. She said “tell him your daughter already is…” It stopped me in my tracks, I was literally in the middle of the hall speechless. I read her message again (hey sometimes your eyes can play tricks on you) and the tears filled my eyes. Why? Because for Mrs. Right to speak of me and my Pumpkin in that regard means she’s totally onboard with us being a family. And I know it’s not easy but that’s a big step. So of course I showed my Pumpkin off to my patient.

Our first family dinner was a blast! My Pumpkin and I bonded immediately and I could tell that Mrs. Right was at ease that things were going so smoothly. My Pumpkin is a very smart and very inquisitive. During dinner she asked if we could do a sleepover on Friday since she had a soccer game that I promised to attend on Saturday. Mrs. Right and I worked out the details and our Family Girls Night was fun! I got to assess how Mrs. Right and I would maneuver with kids as a family and everything was perfect!

This entire experience has been a reality moment for me because my thinking and priorities are now adjusted. I no longer desire to work the overnight shift because I’d rather be home with my family. Sometimes I pass up on opportunities to have a night on the town with my friends because I often work on the weekends so my overnights with Mrs. Right have been scattered and I know the value of quality time in a relationship. It’s very important so I give to her what she needs.

I finally have the one thing I have always wanted…a Family…

All Roads Lead to New Jersey

Just when I thought life could not get more hectic, August 5^th hit the scene and it has been a whirlwind of studying, employment orientation, and barely sleeping nights. The shining star in all this madness is my wonderful, loving, supportive girlfriend – Mrs. Right. A supportive mate is hard to come by but she has been nothing short of understanding regarding the demands in my life.

It looks like I have secured my nursing future and one of the best health systems in PA thus eliminating my need to head for the southern border once I have my RN license in hand. Mrs. Right and I have been talking about our future a lot. Yes, I know we’re only almost two months in but we’re definitely on the same page in terms what we want and where we want to go in the future. And quite frankly it’s not like we’re planning on getting married tomorrow, next week, next month, or even next year. We just have a clear direction of where this relationship is going.

I’m over living in Philadelphia and PA in general. I’m watching areas once safe and livable decline into drug and violence infested gang territories. So where do I go? New Jersey! That’s right, the Garden State, the home of the infamous Jersey Shore aka Snookie show. Why New Jersey? For one, Mrs. Right resides there and I spend my weekends with her (unless she comes to Philly to be with me for a weekend). I love to escape from the city and be with her is domestic, peaceful, bliss. The areas I have considered moving to are close enough for me to get back and forth across the bridge to work in Philly without too much of a hassle. When considering the long haul i.e. children, family, etc., New Jersey has some areas with excellent school districts, parks and recreation centers, and affordable homes in safe, clean areas. And my personal favorite – The Vineyards! New Jersey has plenty and I plan to discover them all.

I'm excited about life, I'm excited about my future. The remainder of 2013 will be spent exploring New Jersey and deciding where to move May 2014...

The War Within: Running vs. The Urge to Merge

At 12:01AM I shall be officially begin my Senior Year of my Nursing program. I’m excited, yet very scared. There’s no turning back at this point and failure is not an option. I am 9 months away from my dream career and the beginning of the next chapter in my life. So if my blog posts become sporadic it’s because school is kicking my ass.

So let me tell you about my woman, Mrs. Right. If someone told me to make a list of all the qualities and things your ideal lover would possess, I’d be crossing off 95% of the items when it comes to her. She’s not perfect, which is perfect because I don’t want nor need her to be. Professionally, she is everything I believe a strong, educated, woman should be. She carries herself as a lady should but she’s tough, ambitious, highly intelligent, and knows her stuff. I regularly get to see the softer, loving, affectionate side of her which I absolutely adore. I can’t begin to describe the incredible feelings that flood me when she falls asleep in my arms. A truly priceless moment that I would not pass up for anyone or anything.

I love her…but like my feelings regarding my final year of Nursing School – I’m excited, yet very scared. And thus the war within me has begun.

My friend Nikki says I’m a Runner (and she can say this because she is a self-proclaimed Runner) – “at the first sign of trouble or your mate screwing up, you’re ready to head for the hills.” I’m not exactly like that, more like my fear of things not progressing the way I’d like, or fear of pouring so much of myself into something and someone that only ends in a broken heart causes me to feel like pulling back at times.

On the other side of the war I have this insatiable desire for love and companionship. I think love is a beautiful thing; it’s the most amazing feeling in the world. Building a solid foundation for a long term relationship is part of the joy of loving your mate. As much as I am realistic and prepared for the world of Single Motherhood nothing beats raising a family with the woman you love. There are traditions regarding holidays to establish, birthday celebrations to have, and little league sports games for me to attend in my stilettos and skinny jeans. The Family Life is my ideal life.

How can it be that the one thing you want the most scares you the most? I love Mrs. Right and my goal is for this to work.

I’m just going to fight this internal war one day at a time…

 

Divine 29

I have had some good birthdays to include wild and crazy nights out on the town with strip clubs and strippers, dinners and shots, and some of the best friends a girl could ever ask for. But my 29^th birthday tops them all!

Knowing that my birthday was on a Thursday this year (the 18^th) I decided that I would celebrate the entire weekend (extra bonus with me being off from work that entire weekend as well). My party destinations were Sisters on Thursday night, a Pool Party hosted by the Stimulus Group on Friday night, and Dinner at Tierra Colombiana on Saturday night, today I am regrouping from all the events.

Well Thursday did not go according to plan. My best friend surprised me with a surprise party at her home! I thought I was going to spend that time making cupcakes with my nieces but she got me good. The best gift was that my new love – Mrs. Right – was there! Yes, my love drove all the way from a meeting in Central New Jersey, got stuck is horrific traffic, just to make it in time to surprise me. My best friend even pushed the party time off just so she could be there. Talk about LOVE! I’m still in awe over her being there.

Friday and Saturday night went according to plan. The Pool Party was amazing. We took over someone’s Cabana but having Mrs. Right by my side along with my friends made the night one to remember. If you’re ever in Philly and want the best Paella (aside from Abuela’s) in town I highly suggest the seafood paella at Tierra Colombiana and order a pitcher of Passion Fruit Mojitos.

29 thus far has been the year of new beginnings and changes – I’ve secured my Nursing future, no longer needing to relocate to the South, and the best new beginning of them all is that I have found an incredible woman whom I am falling in love with.

29 truly is Divine!

My New Love Interest

I guess the old saying is true: The moment you stop looking that’s when you find what you’re seeking. Ironically this happened just days after my previous blog post!

Since July 8^th I have been on Cloud 9, All Smiles, and incredibly happy and she – Mrs. Right – is a huge part of the reason why. I have not been this into a woman in a very long time, but I love this feeling and I am going with it. She has changed the game for me in so many ways and again I am along for the ride.

She’s 4 years older than me

She has a wonderful child

Works in Healthcare

Highly Educated

Cultured, Sophisticated, Classy

And the shock factor (for some) – SHE’S AFRICAN AMERICAN!

Told you she changed the game for me. A loving, caring, affectionate, sensual, sexy, intriguing woman is the best pre-birthday gift I could ever receive. 29 is being started right and I am eternally grateful for having her in my life…

I'm Just Not That Into You: My Current Dating Pitfalls

Dating is not easy, and truthfully not my favorite thing in the world. I believe that’s why I was such a serial monogamist for all those years. But none the less, it is a necessary evil if one desires to find Mrs. Right instead of Ms. Right Now.

Back in January I made the decision to start actively participating in the dating arena. My life is on a great path, school is going well, work is going well (and even getting better), I have a wonderful group of friends, and my relationship with my Mother is closer than ever (now that she knows she’ll be getting that one thing she has asked me for in the future). So why not add to it, right? Easier said than done for me.

Lady X and I have been dating on/off since January and as much as I did initially like her and considered embarking into relationship territory I’m glad I waited because I got to see her true colors, indirectly discern the truth about her “situation” and learn that as much as I want to like her a certain way this woman and I could never have the fulfilling relationship that I truly desire. The result: Platonic Friend Zone.

GI Jane is the woman I have been out with twice. Things were going extremely well communication wise. We enjoyed the same things, conversation flowed naturally, and I got to see her in an athletic zone which was pretty cool BUT (yup there’s one) one afternoon while I was out with friends and informed her that we were still attending an event and unfortunately there was no way I was going to make it to an impromptu meeting at a bar she was attending with her friends. I guess that didn’t sit well with her because she hung up and sent me an “Oh Whatever!” text. RED FLAGS! The result: Platonic Friend Zone. Even though she called, apologized, and offered an explanation for her antics – “I was drinking and wanted to see you”, I still can’t see myself being nothing more than friends with her. She presented herself as feminine but when we hang out outside of athletics she’s more on the Soft Stud side – nothing feminine about her dress at all.

Other women and I have been on one date and it never went anywhere. The chemistry wasn’t there, the conversation was lacking, or we just didn’t click on any level at all. All in all, I can honestly say with the women I have been encountering I’m just not that into them…and so my search continues…

You're a Woman, She's a Woman...So Why Are You Calling Her Daddy?

On Sunday many celebrated Father’s Day - I just spent some time with my Grandfather before bailing on my family and heading to my Bestie’s house to spend the remainder of the day with her family – and as I browsed the many post on my Facebook newsfeed I came across several pictures from many Lesbian fan pages with Stud identified women captioned “Best Dad in the World” or “My Children Love Their Daddy.” Huh?!? Now I totally respect a transgender (FTM, MTF) person’s right to be acknowledged as their chosen gender with proper pronouns. I have two MTF friends whom I have known since I was 18 and both Ladies are respected, accepted, and acknowledged as the women they are. But this clearly is not the case with many Stud identified women today.

I’m not a fan of nor do I believe in mimicking heterosexual models of relationships. I think it’s very detrimental and fuels the stereotype that Stud identified lesbians want to be men and Feminine identified lesbians just need a good man. This is hardly the case! What puzzles me is that some Stud identified women will engage in cat calling and street harassment tactics prevalent in the heterosexual male community, they will address other Stud women with the masculine pronoun “Bruh” or use the term “Dude” in reference to another Stud, call women Bitches and Ho’s BUT the second someone treats them like a man they’re ready to cry and scream discrimination or I’m a woman and should be treated as such. Really?!?

And sadly it’s not just some Studs, Feminine women add to this foolish f*ckery too. They’ll refer to or call their partner “My Boyfriend” or “My Husband”. The one thing that gets under my skin is they will make their child(ren) call their partner “Daddy” and/or refer to her as “He/Him”. WTF?!? It’s one thing for you engage in the foolishness, but leave the kid(s) out of it! Just because you’re confused doesn’t mean they should be about something that is so clearly black and white.

Back in May one of my favorite Lesbian pages on Facebook posted a Huffington Post article by Alex Berg entitled: “Move Over, Gaybros: Masculine Privilege Thrives Among Queer Women Too.” The article speaks about how masculine identified women can be compared to heterosexual males based on their actions, speech, etc.

Thoughts…

Computer Love, Part Deux

Sorry for the late hooray moment, but I did complete my first year of Nursing School back on May 23^rd and celebrated with my awesome Divas at Sisters. I got home at 3:30AM rolled out of bed a hungover mess to make it to school on time for my clinical evaluation. Now I’m on summer break and get to reenergize for my Senior year ahead. Wow time really has flown by…

Any who, back to the subject at hand. Online Dating. I still have two active profiles out there, although I did recently meet an incredibly beautiful, smart, fun woman whom I have had the pleasure of spending time with, in fact tomorrow morning we’re going on an Ice Cream for Breakfast date (can you say excited! I value uniqueness)…but I’ll dish a little more about her later...I have to admit that my original go to site (Curve Personals) is very stale these days. Lesson Learned: A good site doesn’t last forever.

A few months ago I was out at a Meetup group happy hour and overheard two members talking about OK Cupid. Being the curious person I am I signed up, completed my profile, uploaded recent pictures and let the good times roll. The beauty of this site is that it’s free! You can email people and respond to their emails without having to pay a single fee. You can see who has stalked (I mean viewed) your profile and even send out broadcast for folks to meet up with you somewhere local and safe. Another cool feature they have is match questions – the more questions your answer the higher your match potential and it even shows you if this person is a good match for a Lover, Friend, or Enemy. Not sure how 100% valid it is but it’s a fun tool. They have a very active member base which is good. The drawback? Incomplete profiles, profiles without pictures (or just bad blurry, I’m hiding from the FBI pictures), and the nosy male who likes checking out lesbian profiles – although I have just discovered a fix to this. They offer you the option for your profile to only be visible to your fellow Lesbians. This is the site where I met G.I. Jane (yeah that nickname suits her for now).

Last night I was on Facebook’s Our Sista Circle page (by the way, if any Lesbians of Color are seeking an online venue to socialize and connect with other Lesbians of Color please join their website and like their Facebook page. This is for Lesbians of Color ONLY and the admin is very serious about keeping it that way. Respect her house.) and a member asked a question about her Craigslist ad. Now aside from finding a job or an apartment, I highly doubt you are going to find anything of substance in the Craigslist personals. But hey if ratchet/trashy is what you go for then so be it. Here is the text she shared from her Craigslist ad:

“Submitted Question for Advice-- So I am a seasonal CL poster (it is how I tend to meet new women offline) and occasionally I get the "helpful" email stating I am asking for way to much. So I want to know, how do the ladies of Our Sista Circle craft a personal ad. I have been told I am far too honest with what I want and who I am (Me: chocolate brown, natural hair, 5K above poverty money, non-smoker, casual drinker, grad student, non driver, chatty, anxious, selfish, over weight, moody, speed talker looking for a calm non-smoking individual that likes to cuddle and make out, no kids nor desire for kids, will allow me to be a human with moods and emotions and the inconstancies that entails, has a firm grasp on their career and what they want to do with the next ten years, owns or rents a place alone, pays their bills regularly, comfortable with a friend that is a lover approach to a relationship, enjoys giving and taking control, likes to plan and co-plan), too controlling in how much time we spend with each other and the money we invest in each other (Call at least once a day to establish a pattern of being in each other's lives, make an attempt to spend one day a week together, any time spent together is without cell phones, that we do not dive in our savings to treat each other, do not do things we can not afford to do on a regular basis.) tend to over think everything (reiterate anxious) and put the idea of love on a pedestal (love is a seed that must be tended daily in its early stages to grow roots until tending becomes a practice like showering.).

I don't want to bankrupt someone for a night on the town nor have someone try to take my last pennies. I am careless with my own cash and do not need encouragement to bring my bank account to zero (It's there until payday right now.).

I want to have someone to call and listen to my lack luster days and talk about fun/boring/political/random/etc things that strike us. I want someone between 26 and 34 years of age so I don't feel like a baby sitter or a indulged child. If only for the summer.”

Now I’m all for honesty but this ad definitely screams find the nearest exit and run for your life! Please, please, please whatever you do use this as a cautionary tale of things NEVER to put into an online profile or personal ad. I guarantee you’ll be single for the rest of your life.

Enabling Parents: F*cked Up Family Dynamics

This post is going to be highly personal, more so than ever before but I need to get this off my chest and out of my head.

Everyone knows that I am my Mother’s only child, but I also have two brothers (26 and 21) from my Father and his Wife. I rarely speak about them (with the exception of my little brother) because I’m not a big fan of the 26 year old and my Father’s Wife…and now more recently my Father.

My Father’s Wife was always verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive towards me growing up. She would call me bitches, put me down constantly, and always accuse me of doing drugs or having sex. I had self-esteem issues all the way into my early 20’s because of this. I swear she is Bipolar and has Borderline Personality Disorder traits. We’ve never been close and truth be told we never will be.

The 26 year old is the one my Father’s Wife should have been accusing of doing drugs and everything under the sun – yet never did say a word. He dropped out of High School, has warrants for his arrest in more than one state, has 5 children by 4 different women, no form of employment, drinks, uses numerous drugs, and like his mother is Bipolar with Borderline Personality Disorder.

The 21 year old is more like me. He’s got his shit together – graduated high school, went to college, and now has a very lucrative job which has enabled him to strike out on his own and purchase his first home.

Growing up with these folks was clearly no walk in the park. Here you have two children who are doing what is asked of them, they are completing their education, they’re not out selling drugs to undercover cops, not throwing tantrums and destroying your home because they can’t have their way, they’re not out there making babies and bills they can’t take care of yet not once have they had the support system they needed. Lucky for me I had my Mother, she has always been my biggest support but my 21 year old brother didn’t have anyone at home, he got his support from his teachers and some Aunts.

My (Passive) Father and his Wife have spent years and years enabling and rewarding the negative behaviors of the 26 year old. They support his kids, they support his drug habits, they allow him to constantly wreak havoc upon their home, they lie to the warrant squad when they show up at 3AM to haul his ass off to jail, they pay for his trips to Florida to visit relatives and hang out on the beach, they drive him everywhere instead of making him use public transportation (yet if he wants his drugs he will find a way to get to his dealer but tell him to find a job and he needs a ride everywhere), and make excuse after excuse for his behaviors.

So when my Father’s Wife’s birthday rolled around a few days ago and no one acknowledged it (I never remember when her birthday is, but I do know my Mother’s is December 17^th), not even the 26 year old who is constantly getting bailed, until my Father proceeded to berate us for it and then has the audacity to question the resentment. You and your Wife breeded this resentment. In my opinion they don’t care about anyone other than the 26 year old and his kids. It’s been obvious for years.

Today my Father said that all of this (referring to how we don’t want to be bothered by him or his Wife) was going to come back on us. Funny thing is that this is their Karma. Treat your good kids’ right and maybe someday they’ll treat you the same…

My Scandal Addiction & Tormentous Love Affair

I’m sure I wasn’t the only one cheering during Thursday’s new episode of Scandal. From Olivia demanding that Fitz “Earn Me!” to Fitz making a declaration to “Watch me earn you.” Some people don’t like the relationship between Liv and Fitz; they have argued that it is daunting, demeaning, disrespectful, etc. But I totally sympathize with them because I’ve been there.

Once upon a time when I was young and oh so naïve (still young but not so naïve anymore) I had a very tormentous love affair with a woman who was a married closeted Lesbian. Her husband knew she was a Lesbian and their marriage (still is) troubled because of it. They never had children…they have an “understanding.” Due to the public nature of her husband’s career she vowed to play the role of “The Good Wife” and remain married instead of being true to herself.

At first things were casual and fun. We’d act like perfect best friends in the public eye and even in front of her husband…then perfect lovers in the privacy of her personal condo. It was never supposed to be so complicated or serious but the inevitable happened – we started falling in love with each other. And that’s when the torment began.

The Yes Yes, No No

I want you, but on my terms

I don’t want you, and I don’t want anyone else to have you

It’s your life there, or your life with me

Wait for me, I promise to leave…just not right now

Let me go!

Keep me by your side

I love you

I hate you!

This went on for about 2 ½ years before they moved away. The telephone conversations became less and less, emails just would not suffice. I think we both got tired of holding onto something that was emotionally destroying us…at least I know I did which is why I made the decision to officially walk away. At first it was hard, she was the first woman I was ever truly in love with, but like all things time is a healer.

While I was watching this scene from Scandal it made me think of her and I, how this would have been our happy ending if she would have just let the clock run out…

 

"Time's up. It's done...unless you don't want me..."

Scandal

 

No More Gettin' It, I'm Not Feeling It: Bad Sex

Two blog post in one week! To what do you owe the pleasure? A compelling need to vent a little about bad sex experiences. Now I’ve already shared with you about the best I’ve ever had and I promised to divulge about the worst I’ve ever had. So here it goes…

I love sex and believe life is too short for bad sex. I have no issues communicating my wants and needs openly and always do without hesitation. One of the reasons why I have a strong preference for women in the 35-45 age range is because when it comes to the bedroom majority of them know how to throw down. They know that foreplay begins well before the bedroom and that one good climax deserves more. I honestly cannot complain about these women so kudos to you and keep doing what you’re doing because you do it oh so well.

I’ve only had two bad sexual experiences and no I will not give either woman the opportunity to reprieve themselves. As Samantha Jones would say “Fuck me badly once, shame on you, fuck me badly twice shame on me.”

Case #1: Good foreplay, bad performance. It’s like the buildup only to be let down. There was just too much going on, too fast, and at the wrong times. Whoa chick! I’m gonna need you to slow it down and focus. I called this ADHD Fucking.

Case #2: No foreplay, bad performance, inappropriate timing use of toys. I was just not feeling it at all. And when I thought it would get better and just maybe I can get myself to orgasm it got worse and at that point I just smiled and said “I’m done here.”

FYI: If a woman you just had sex with rolls over to make a call, send a text message, or just gets up nonchalantly to go find other ways to entertain herself, then you have failed to satisfy her sexually.

Sexual compatibility cannot be taught, it cannot be faked, you either have it or you don’t. As for bad sex, as Beyoncé says “I’m not feeling it!”

 

"Kitty Kat" by Beyonce

Atlanta vs. Houston: Where Should I Live?!?

As the end of my first year of Nursing School draws near, my future has increasingly been on my mind. One thing that has been a constant thought is where I want to relocate to next year. When I began my journey two years ago I knew I wanted to move to Atlanta. I looked up all the information I could on the suburbs, hospitals, and Lesbian life in general. My heart was set on residing in Marietta or Kennesaw, purchasing my first home because real estate is such a steal down there, and just kicking off my career and business in the Nursing field. Since becoming a Mother is a high priority on my list, I also looked at private schools and even Hebrew Day Schools too (that’s a discussion for another post).

My mind was definitely hardcore set on running from PA to GA…but then I started to open my mind to other states and even possibilities. I composed a list of places I’d consider living and raising a child in – Houston, Arlington, Silver Spring, Kansas City, even Nevada – and right after Atlanta, Houston is #2 on the list. Now I have yet to explore Houston even though I have family who reside in the state of Texas, but from what I have read and heard about the area, real estate, private school systems, and Lesbian life it’s definitely a place I need to explore and very soon. One thing I know for sure is that Houston has far more CRNA programs than Atlanta (they have one in the entire state of GA where TX has plenty).

I’m planning a trip to Houston for the summer and even to Atlanta so I have a more immediate basis for comparison. This discussion definitely warrants a Part Deux…

Where would you live? Have you explored Atlanta or Houston?

I Love Her...Now What?!?

Ever hear the saying, “If you want to hear God laugh, tell him what you have planned”?  Or “Be careful what you ask for because you just might get it”? I’m experiencing a combination of the two at this moment. Where do I begin with this story about Lady X.?

We met back in January via a mutual acquaintance. I don’t think either of us was on the hunt for anything more than to get out of the house and have a good conversation with a great group of people…but again be careful what you ask for…Conversation flowed naturally and the chemistry was instant. Lady X is very down to earth, laid back, cultured, educated, sophisticated, sassy, and sexy. She is one of the very few people I am able to be myself around and feel as though she does not have extreme expectations of me. Whenever we hang out we have a great time and it’s always a night to remember. When I take her to events or parties hosted by my friends they all love her and have threatened that I cannot come around unless she is by my side. We are very open with each other about our past and what we are unwilling to accept going forward.

How do I know I love her? …and by the way, the love is mutual…About 2.5 weeks ago things  got weird surrounding a particular situation (which does not warrant full detail here, sorry Loves but too much info is not the best idea right now…maybe later…). Our communication was off/on, hot/cold and coupled with the fact that we had not seen each other. Another trait we both possess is stubbornness. I think we each expected the other to break the ice and fix the problem…or to speak the truth: I f*cking miss you! During that time I was frustrated, having trouble sleeping, and could not stop thinking about her. That is so not me…unless I’m vested in someone and that was/is the case with Lady X. After not speaking and a drastic decision a phone call was made – me to her. It was tense but by the end of it we were laughing and making plans to see each other.

Once we saw each other it was pure bliss…and the make up sex was off the chain! We both admitted (pre-make up sex) that we love each other but don’t want to rush or jinx things. We both have some things in our lives to get in order but she knows where she stands in my heart…

My Mother...Myself...

Tomorrow begins the last Term of my first year of Nursing School and I cannot tell you how happy, yet very astonished, that I am to be crossing this threshold in my Nursing career. I discovered a lot about myself, how I manage stress and perform under extreme pressure.

We had a week off for Spring Break which was a blessing because I was able to spend some time with my Grandmother and family in Pittsburgh. Back in December my Grandmother asked to see me when I have a break from school and I promised her that I would spend part of my Spring Break with her. As much as I would have loved to be somewhere warm and tropical, I have not seen my Grandmother since my Grandfather’s funeral back in 2010. So it was time. My Mother was also on break from her University so she decided to join me in Pittsburgh.

Here’s a little background on my relationship with my Mother: My Mother is White (Russian-Jewish to be exact). I love her dearly, she is my best friend and I am blessed that she is very supportive of me personally and professionally. I am her only child and therefore very spoiled by her. I can (and do) tell her any and everything. She brags about me to her colleagues and students and I brag about her to my instructors and friends. We have always traveled well together and she always asks me to tag along to her national and international conferences (which are all expense paid for us. Perks of being a Dean and her daughter). When it comes to a Mother-Daughter duo, we could not be closer.

BUT this trip I started to really take notice of things about my Mother and myself that I assume were always there but never were crystal clear until now.

My Mother is very hyper. Now don’t get me wrong, my ass can’t sit down at times and sometimes my mind refuses to shut off at night keeping me awake (and causing me to engage in interesting projects i.e. baking cupcakes at 1AM!) but my Mother is extremely anxious and hyper.

My Mother is (or has become) very pretentious and personalizes EVERYTHING. One morning we decided to have brunch at Pamela’s (where President Obama and Vice President Biden have dined during their trips to Pittsburgh – great food!) and passed a canvasser on the street. He asked if we would like to make a donation to the HRC fund. I respectfully declined, however my Mother went on the rant with him about how we were travelers. Ummm what the f*ck does that have to do with anything?!? Ugh!!!!!!!

My Mother is either jealous of her older sister or she does not want me to form any kind of relationship with her older sister. This was the eye opener for me. My Aunt is the Dean of a University and she works long hours, rarely taking time off for herself. This trip was the first time that I got to interact with my Aunt outside of having to take care of dire family issues. Instead of working the entire time, my Aunt took days off to drive my Mother and I around and explore Pittsburgh with us. I got to spend some quality time with my Aunt. We talked, we shopped, we bonded. She made an effort to have family dinner with us and even picked up all the food. I have to admit it was truly a relief to be with her in that way. The last day we went to the museum before going to dinner and while my Aunt was using the ladies room I commented to my Mother how much I have enjoyed spending this quality time with my Aunt and how down to earth and laid back she is. I also told my Mother that I would be coming back to Pittsburgh to spend more time with my Grandmother and my Aunt. I guess my Aunt is a hot button for my Mother because her words to me were: “That’s a very uneducated opinion for you to form. Researchers don’t form a conclusion based on one observation. And she’s not so laid back because she yells at [my Uncle’s name] all the time.” What the f*ck!!!!!!! Did she really say that to me? Of course I told my Mother she was way out of line. I barely spoke to her for the remainder of the trip.

I don’t know if we’re going through another growing pains phase or if I’ve just truly grown up and mellowed out, but I know things are changing between my Mother and myself. I’m seeing a side of her that I don’t completely like and I’m not quite sure how to deal with it at this moment.

In the meantime, my Aunt said she wished I had stayed in Pittsburgh longer so that we could really run around the city. I told her I’d come back when the weather was a little warmer i.e. June/July. She’s looking forward to it and so am I…

Me, Docile?!?

I have officially been on Spring Break since Wednesday at 6PM which means I survived one of the most insanity challenging Terms of my Nursing School career. So why am I not out partying like a Rockstar? Well Mother Nature put a stop to tonight’s festivities which means I am curled up on the sofa with a bottle of wine, my laptop, and my thoughts…

Docile: Ready to accept control
or instruction; Submissive

About a week ago my favorite cousin and I were hanging out just running some errands. She was entertaining me with a story about how some ratchet chick called her at 6AM asking her if she would stop calling her boyfriend (whom just so happens to be my cousins good friend from High School) and then proceeded to call her every hour threatening her and wanting to fight. I cracked up when my cousin relayed how she cursed this girl out. Then she asks me:

“Has this ever happened to you?”

“No! I don’t have dudes chicks calling me with drama.”

“So no woman has ever contacted you or confronted you because she thought you were too close to her girlfriend?

“No! I don’t get into that kind of mess.”

“Well that’s good because you’re too nice and too docile. I can’t see you cursing a bitch out.”

I laughed the entire car ride. My cousin has no idea. I think I am too nice at times especially to the wrong people. But when I’ve had enough, I’ve had enough and it’s not pretty. Of course, when I was much younger more immature if someone wanted to argue I went there – yelling, screaming, cursing, you name it I acted a whole fool and then some. Now I don’t go there with people unless I have to which has been once in a blue moon.

I’m a Cancer. One of our best traits is that we’re very loving, caring, nurturing – translation = People Pleasers. One trait that gets us in trouble is that we internalize things until we explode and then it can be compared to some scene out of Carrie. This is something I am guilty of doing…but only 1/4^th of the Carrie scene. I recently explained to someone that if I’m not vested in someone then it’s very easy for me to HEAR their opinions then walk away from them and the situation with no second thought or regard. I can just simply disappear. But if I’m vested in someone then I take the time to LISTEN to them and communicate.

We are all very complex beings. No two people are alike. And I hardly doubt I am docile. I think I just have a different (maybe even more mature) approach to dealing with people and drama…

Nursing Options

It’s no secret – I’m in Nursing School (and clearly exhibiting the common signs and symptoms of a Nursing Student). After spending 8 years in the realm of social services – with an emphasis on drug and alcohol treatment, homelessness, and behavioral health – I got burned out and decided to pursue the one career I have always wanted – Nursing. So here I am in school, learning all kinds of interesting things, and putting it all to use during my clinical rotations. Nursing is one of those fields where the possibilities for specialty area and location are endless. One thing I am fast learning about myself is that I am not the Floor Nurse type i.e. Medical-Surgical Unit Nurse. I get bored easily if I am not challenged, I get bored easily with an instructor who is not up to par, I get bored easily and will finish my paperwork before the night is over.

This discovery has led to me deciding to pick a specialty area in Nursing. My ultimate goal is to become a Chief Nursing Officer/Director of Nursing (or what I now call the Olivia Pope of Nursing – It’s handled #BOOM) but on my way to the top I’d like to dabble in these areas:

Trauma/ER: if this doesn’t keep me busy, challenged and on my toes then I don’t know what will. Being that you don’t know what kind of emergency or trauma will come through the doors from one minute to the next you are always in action mode. From what I’ve been told by Trauma Nurses it’s quite an adrenaline rush. Bring it On!

ICU: Also known as Critical Care Nursing, yes they are on a floor but it’s nothing like Med-Surg or any other floor for that matter. The Patients are very sick, often times on life support, ventilators, and multiple running IVs. Codes are common so you must be prepared to react fast in order to stop a Patient from dying. This specialty is the bridge to becoming a CRNA for those who are interested.

Oncology: Cancer Patients will always have a special place in my heart. I lost my Godmother to Cancer in 2011 and since then I have always wanted to be the rock for a Patient and their family who is going through this horrible disease. Oncology is a specialty which requires certification to administer chemotherapy. There are hospitals specifically dedicated to Oncology which is good because that means the care is more focused and they are usually the best because that’s all they do.

CRNA: Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist. These are the Nurses who are certified to perform majority of the same duties as an Anesthesiologist. Today 9 times out of 10 when you have surgery the person who comes in to sedate and provide the anesthesia services for your procedure is a CRNA. It’s a very lucrative career, requires more intensive schooling but the benefits certainly outweigh the headaches of more schooling.

The Atlanta area is my first choice for relocation, however I am now more open to other locations – Virginia, Nevada, Missouri, Texas, back to California (San Diego) – and I am even considering finishing my Officer Training with the Air Force. Cost of living and education systems are definitely high determining factors as my goal is home ownership and I plan on becoming a Mother so my child’s education is top priority.

My Scandal Addiction & Love of Interracial Relationships

When a woman's heart belongs to another, you can never have all of her
#Team Liv&Fitz

With everything going on in my life, no matter what I am glued to my television on Thursday nights at 10PM. Like most of the world I am addicted to the ABC series “Scandal”.  Those of you who are unfamiliar with the series I highly suggest you jump on it and be prepared to become a Scandal Addict. I don’t watch television but this show is the first show I have watched in a long time (I’m talking the last time I followed a show was Martin, Girlfriends, The Game until it got whack, and The L Word Series not the whack ass reality show) so for me to cut off the rest of the world just to enjoy the hour long show is a big deal.

The thing that I love the most about the show (aside from Kerry Washington’s beauty) is the love affair between Liv and Fitz. Although it is a tormentuous love affair (he’s the POTUS and married) they are a beautiful couple, and in my eyes Soul mates. Personally, I love Black Woman/White Man interracial relationships. I love seeing Black woman courted and loved by White men. More and more Black women are educated and successful in this world today. We out number Black males in Baccalaureate, Masters, Juris Doctorate, Medical programs, and are more likely to be the sole and or largest bread winner in the home. Black women are pretty much holding it down and those who have a higher level of education and success want a partner who can bring the same or more to the table. Yet truth be told, a lot of Black men cannot deliver.

Growing up, I always heard of how Italian and Jewish men loved Black women, how they secretly coveted Black women, and how many of them would love to marry a Black woman but were unsure of how to approach them. Being a Lesbian I’ve never dated men, nor have I had the desire to date men but I still get hit on a lot by men (the price you pay for being feminine). Majority of the men who approach me are White men, and nine times out of ten they are successful – suit and tie, white coat (translation M.D.), executive titles, etc. Some have had relationships with Black women, while others are still waiting for the opportunity to do so. White men are more inclined to settle down and start a family as opposed to bed hopping and being hauled into Family Court for child support issues.

If I were Straight I’d be with a White man, but I’m not. As I have mentioned before, all of my relationships have been with White women. Not something I particularly went looking for, just the way it has been since I was 16. I recently tried going on dates with Black women but either we don’t click (my personality is more “polished” and refined than the average Black woman) or they expected one of us to assume the Stud or Femme position which is NEVER going to happen.

So I guess I have to continue to go for what I know and in the realm of Lesbian relationships all I know is interracial love and I have found it numerous times with White women. I know some may question the genuineness of interracial love, and if one could truly be happy with someone who is of another ethnicity/culture than me. I have never felt awkward in any of my relationships, in fact I related to my White girlfriends better than I have ever to any Black woman I have talked to or been on date with. Quiet as it may be kept, White Lesbians like Black Lesbians but they (like anyone with common sense) won’t date just any Black Lesbian. They have standards like the rest of us so education, income, class, sophistication, and a non-hood mentality are a must. White women are more likely to not have any children or ex-husband/baby daddy drama (the same can be said for White men – less likely to have children out of wedlock and all over town as opposed to Black men) which is a huge deal breaker for me, and when it comes to education and success we are always on point about what we want for our lives and where we want to be. Now that’s not to say that there are not Black Lesbians who do not fall into that education and success category because there are plenty…we just don’t mesh.

What are your thoughts on Interracial Love?

"Frank & Rachel"

 

"Len & Etta"

 

"Brian & Kenya"

 

 

"Tasha & Alice"

 

F4F Lesbian Couple