The Same Difference: Addressing The Problem within the African-American Lesbian Community

There has always been this constant turmoil, tension, and discrimination within the African-American Lesbian community and finally someone has brought this shit to the light with The Same Difference Documentary. As I have mentioned before, somewhere along the lines some group of Lesbians within the community decided that there should be rules about how African-American Lesbians date, have relationships, and present themselves. 

If African-American Lesbians are going to date/have a relationship then one must always be masculine identified (Stud) and the other must always be feminine identified (Femme).  There is a strong emphasis on heteronormative pairings, right on down who is allowed to do what in terms of household chores, paying for dates, opening doors, etc. These ridged pairing rules have poisoned the minds of young and older Lesbians, so much to the point that if two masculine or two feminine Lesbians decide to go against the grain and have a relationship they are ridiculed and outcast within the African-American Lesbian community. They are subject to harsh criticism and even in some cases violence. 

African-American Lesbians have this strong holding to labels and there are only two you can choose from: Stud or Femme. There’s no in between or room for any variations. If you identify as Stud you’re only allowed to rock locs or low cut Caesar, you cannot wear makeup, hair extensions or anything that is deemed girly. If you identify as Femme you’re supposed to wear makeup, heels, extensions or have flowing hair, you’re expected to wear more form fitting feminine attire. There is such an emphasis on clothing and outer appearance that Lesbians who dress outside of the box are told they’re not real Stud’s or real Femme’s. A good example is one of my favorite performers King Kellz. She’s a Stud but she wears extensions, and wears makeup during her performances. Just the fact that she wears extensions, she is ridiculed by the African-American Lesbian community because she is not their definition of a real Stud. There are Femmes who like to wear snapbacks or fitted’s, baggy jeans along with their makeup yet they are told that Femme’s don’t dress like that. God forbid you refuse to choose a style; you are ridiculed even more and may even be labeled as confused. 

And my favorite one of them all (not really but it’s one of my favorite debates because I love to shut ignorant people down), the notion that a Stud - who still happens to be a woman with all her womanly parts – is not allowed to have a baby. That’s right, we are that damn ignorant and stupid to give shit to other women for doing what God has given them the gift to do all because we are too stupid to look beyond the clothes and attitude to understand that the clothes don’t make the woman. She still gets her period every month, she still has breast which will enable her to breastfeed if she chooses, she can still wear whatever she wants and sport a baby bump. In the movie, a Stud was carrying a baby because her wife was unable to do so. A 27 year old ignorant child was hating on her because of her decision to carry their child. The pure ignorance and hate that was coming from this child was unbelievable. When did she get the right is it to tell a woman what she can do with her body? When did she get the right to be all up in their business? Who cares how this woman got pregnant? The fact that this child only believes that pregnancy can occur via sexual intercourse with a male just proves how uneducated and ignorant the younger generation of Lesbians are. 

I’m a Lesbian, always have been, always will be. Many would classify me as Femme, I say I’m Femme but I also have my Tomboyish ways. I like heels and makeup, but I will happily rock a fitted, jeans, and oversized tee or hoodie with no makeup on. I want to have a child but I also have a partner who would happily carry a baby for me if I could not, and she is more masculine than I am. I am comfortable with who I am, but I have been one of those women that African-American Lesbians just don’t know how to take. I like feminine women, I also like women who are on the more Tomboy end of the spectrum but women who are (in my opinion) too masculine aren’t my cup of tea. And that’s okay. We all have or preferences and differences, so let’s stop the hatred and discrimination. We have one thing in common – we all love women. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Holidays With The New Family

Nina and I survived our first Thanksgiving with her family. Normally, I go to my cousin’s home then head to my grandparents followed by capping my evening off at my best friend’s home. This was our first major holiday together, and I thought it would be great to spend it getting to know the new family as it’s very likely we’ll be spending holidays or some other social time with so why not get the initial meet and greets over with, right? 

I worked three 12 hour shifts the days before Thanksgiving so naturally I was the walking dead come turkey day. Nina’s mother insisted that dinner be at 2:00PM which meant no sleeping in for me (F*ck!!!!!!!). I promised Nina’s mother that I would make the Chessman Banana Pudding that she loved so when I got in on Wednesday evening I made the pudding and passed out shortly afterwards.

The weeks leading up to Thanksgiving, Nina ran down the guest list for me. Her triplet nephews (who are our favorite boys in the world), their parent’s, and her older sister and her new man would be joining us. I’d miss out on meeting her uncles and cousins because Nina’s mother never has Thanksgiving dinner on Thanksgiving because of her previous work life. Now that she is retired, dinner was on schedule as it should be.  I had already heard stories about Nina’s older sister, and they weren’t so great. Meeting someone for the first time, I kept an open mind.

When Nina’s mother returned to the house with her older sister and her new man, I said hello to both of them. Nina’s older sister shook my hand and said “Oh well great, now I met you” in the most sarcastic, bitchy way possible. I said okay and walked away. The rest of the evening I avoided her and her new man as well as any eye contact or communication with them. Nina told me her older sister was a bitch but yeah she showed her true colors from the door.

The entire evening I focused my attention on Nina’s nephews, their parents, and Nina’s parents. I said not one word to her older sister or her new man. They were treated as inanimate objects at the other end of the table. Nina didn’t talk to her sister at all either. After dinner the boys wanted to play Phase 10 with us so we broke out the card game and got down to business. I guess Nina’s mother was uncomfortable with the noticeable tension and silence so she tried to get her older sister to join us for the game. Didn’t work. In fact, Nina’s nephews told Nina’s mother that “this is a private game.” Translation – the bitch ain’t playing with us! If I had any doubts about whether the boys cared for Nina’s older sister they were just solidified. Yikes!

Around 8:30PM Nina and I decided it was time to head home. We hugged and kissed the boys, their parents, Nina’s mother and stepfather. We said a general non-specific Bye to her older sister and her new man and headed for the door. The next day Nina told me that her mother called and asked her why none of us interacted with each other. Nina said she told her mother off. I’m glad. Next year, Nina and I plan on having our own Thanksgiving with friends and some family members. 

Next we’re celebrating Hanukkah and Christmas. One of Nina’s gifts has already arrived and I am debating on waiting until Christmas to give it to her or Hanukkah. I got her four things and hopes she likes them. She asked me what I wanted to Christmas and Hanukkah. I told her a massage package and some boots. 

Our Hanukkah-Christmas Mash Up tree is up and we have plans for our first New Year’s Eve. Looks like 2015 is ending on a good note for me. My locs journey is progressing beautifully, the new place feels more like a home, and I have a fabulous girlfriend. 2015, who knew?

Eyes Wide Shut: Black Women & Suicide

In the midst of waiting for my two favorite shows, Scandal and How To Get Away With Murder, to return to their regular rotation, I binge watched Season 2 of Being Mary Jane. When the show first aired on BET (and I had yet to cut the cable cord) I got into the first season, however by the end of the first season I really wasn’t a fan of Mary Jane, her actions just screamed desperate and attention seeking. By the end of Season 2 I viewed her more as a self-absorbed, selfish, narcissist. My reason for continuing to watch? Lisa Hudson. 

Aside from Mary Jane’s own personal storyline, she had someone in her life that is the portrait of a very secret struggle rampant among Black women – Mental Illness. Lisa Hudson suffered from severe depression and often had suicide attempts. On the surface, Lisa was a beautiful, successful OB/GYN. She had a beautiful home; financial earnings put her in the top 1%, outgoing personality, incredible fashion sense. Even though Lisa smiled in front of her friends, she was tormented and dying inside. 

Although Being Mary Jane is a TV show, how many of us know one or a few real life Lisa Hudson’s? How many of us are or have been Lisa Hudson? Being a Black woman has its challenges, being a Black Lesbian comes with additional fuel for the flames. I remember a quote from Scandal “You have to be twice as good to get half of what they have…” Sounds like the story of a Black woman’s life. Couple that with the stigma in the African-American community regarding mental illness – we’re not supposed to talk about it, that’s “White people mess”, you need to go to church and pray it away, medication ain’t nothing but the Devil, Black people don’t commit suicide. 

Black women are regarded as strong, fierce, divas, who can conquer the world and anything in it. A strong Black woman is supposed to be educated, have her own home, luxury car, married, homemaker, gourmet chef, mother of the year, nurse and counselor to everyone in her life, corporate executive and never complain about any of it because she’s the Wonder Woman of her world. But who is all these things to her? Who is her counselor when everything becomes too much? Who looks at her and sees that her smiles are fake, really hiding darkness and weakness? When does she receive the love, affection, and kindness that she bestows? When was the last time someone asked her how she was doing, and really cared to listen to the message behind her answer? 

Fact: Every 12 minutes a Black woman attempts suicide…

Black Lesbians & Heteronormativity

When I think of relationships, I think of harmony, coexisting, sharing, and working together for the greater good of the foundation of the relationship. Whether it is two males, two females, or a male and a female, this is how relationships should be…at least to me this is how they should be. In the hetero world the man is the leader, the provider, the yada yada yada and all those other male dominated thinking’s in the relationship.  I guess that’s all well and good for them but in the lesbian community it’s sickening. 

Two women should be able to have a healthy relationship without there being a need for someone to take on the more “masculine” role and responsibilities and the other to take on the more “feminine” role and responsibilities. But for some reason there is a subset of Black Lesbians who refuse to let go of this heteronormative madness. What is it about emulating that cave man mentality that makes you feel like you’re doing something? 

If you do the dishes or clean the house, does that make you any less of a Butch/Stud or any more of a Femme? If you change the oil on the car, put up some drywall, fix a leak under the kitchen sink does that make you any less Femme or any more Butch/Stud? Does your paycheck define which “role” you should assume in the relationship? I think not! Because let’s get real here, it’s 2015 and everybody in the household needs to work to keep things functioning unless you are blessed with an unlimited amount of wealth you need to handle your business accordingly regardless of who is seen as the more dominate person in the relationship. 

And for the love of all things stop using the term Studband! What the fuck is wrong with you?!? Your FEMALE PARTNER DOES NOT GARNER THE TITLE OF “HUSBAND” OR ANY OTHER VARIATION OF THE WORD HUSBAND. SHE IS A WOMAN, NOT A MAN! For you women who insist on calling your dominate partner Daddy and having your children do the same, you need serious psychological help…for the entire family. 

There’s nothing wrong with courting and being courted. I’ve held open doors for my girlfriend just as much as she has held them open for me. I’ve picked up the tab on our dates just as much as she has. I surprise her with gifts and surprise date nights just as she has done the same for me. And guess what? We’re still 100% aware that we are women, we are comfortable being women, and we’re in this together. Our household responsibilities are ours, not one person more than the other. We acquired this together and we are going to take care of this together. Do I do some things better than her and vice versa? Of course but guess what if the other is not around that task won’t go undone waiting on the other. Roles? Ha! Role Play is for the bedroom only…

New Journeys, New Beginnings

Nina and I are officially living together. You never know how much stuff two people truly have until it’s time to pack up and move. Let’s just say I ended up throwing away a lot of clothes and no longer needed documents. The good news is between my place and Nina’s condo we didn’t have to buy a lot of new items because we both had items we agreed to keep. The only thing we did purchase was a new sofa and a storage unit from Ikea because we lost one of our closets with the move. 

The additional space is greatly appreciated and now that we have carpet I have to admit that the place feels more like home. The funny thing is Nina’s parents have been dying to come see the place and have even offered to help us unpack. We told them once we have gotten ourselves settled and ready to have visits we’ll call them first. 

Aside from this big step Nina and I have taken to a new beginning, I also have embarked on my own personal journey. After rocking out with Faux Locs for 6 months I have decided that Locs is something that I want and thus have begun my Locs Journey on 10/2. My loctitian is the same woman who started my friend Nikki’s locs a little over 2 years ago and her hair is flowing and beautiful. 

Here are some facts about my natural hair: (1) I have not had a relaxer since the age of 15, (2) I have mixed hair meaning it’s not your typical African-American grade of hair. If I had to narrow it down I’d say I have 3C curl pattern, (3) My hair is 1.5 inches past my shoulders. My locs were started using the Comb Coil method and when I tell you shrinkage is real, it’s no joke. My hair shrunk to about half its length. Normally when I get a style I have never had before there is a period of freaking out, but not this time. I had researched a lot of pictures and YouTube videos of comb coils and starter locs to know what to expect. Another bonus is that I bought a gang of hairbands to jazz things up during this phase. 

I’m excited about this journey and my new beginning with Nina. For once in my life things just seem to fall into place in such a way that I feel free emotionally, mentally, and physically. This time change was on my side.