Computer Love

According to those cheesy Match.com commercials they are responsible for creating over 1 million relationships, and Facebook is responsible for the demise of at least 2 million and counting. Online dating no longer has the negative stigmas it once did in its early hay days. Now if a couple says they initially met online they’re more likely to be asked for the name of the website instead of given looks of disapproval. If you’re like me – over the bar and club scene (hey my Mothers always advised me against picking up girls in clubs and bars) and your local LGBT center no longer caters to your age group (that is unless you’re over 50, nothing against that age group but lets get real here, all the programs are for 50+ crowd while the 21-49 crowd is expected to hangout at the clubs. WRONG!) then you are left with three options for dating:

(1) Hoping that hot chick at Starbucks is a Lesbian and risking potential embarrassment by asking her out only to find out she is a Straight homophobe. Unless your Gaydar is better than Superman’s I highly suggest you avoid this option.

(2) Allowing your friends to set you up on numerous (and EXTRMELY HORRIBLE) blind dates. Out of sheer desperation one may choose this option but I think it should be a last resort because of option #3

(3) Online Dating!

I like online dating because it can take some of the awkwardness out of getting to know someone on the first date. I also like it because you have access to people you would not see in your daily dealings and you know all the women are Lesbians (or Bisexual) so it takes the guess work out of it and you get to avoid a sticky Option #1 situation. Another good thing about online dating is that things go at your pace so you’re not pressured to give someone your number just so you can have contact with them like you would if you had met her at the club or in a bar. I don’t know about you, but if a woman and I have nothing in common I sure as hell don’t want her having my cell number so she can text me and ring my damn phone off the hook (Can we say IGNORE/REJECT stalker!).

The key to starting the whole online dating experience is to find the right site for you. There are tons of sites out there, not like it was back in the 90’s when there were only a few, and they range from free (either completely or just some features) to paid memberships. Although there are a ton of sites out there now there still are very few catering to the LGBT community. My suggestion is that you explore a few sites if you can without having to setup a profile, see if they have active members and if those members are people you’d like to get to know. If not, move onto the next site. As I said there are plenty of sites out there, you have to find the right one for YOU.

So you’ve got the site you want to use, now what? Setup a good profile. I cannot stress this enough as this is the very critical piece to your online dating experience – YOUR PROFILE MUST BE HONEST AND ACCURATE AND HAVE AT LEAST 2-5 RECENT, I WILL SAY THAT AGAIN RECENT, YES RECENT, NO NOT HIGH SCHOOLS BUT RECENT PHOTOS OF YOU, AGAIN YOU, JUST YOU, NOT YOUR PLANT, YOUR CAR, YOU PET, YOUR GRANDMOTHER, YOUR BEST FRIEND, YOU! A bad profile is a bad first impression and first impressions can lead to you being asked out or you being told that you’re not my type. I highly suggest typing your About Me Section wording in MS Word and then forward to a trusted friend (preferably the one with a thorough education, and some class. Just saying. But you’ll thank me later) for editing and feedback.

Here’s my experience. I’ve been doing the online dating thing off and on for three years now so I’ve learned a lot, made some cool friends, and had a relationship with a person or two but I have to admit that I prefer online dating above all else. I love being able go at my own speed without having to give out personal contact information, I love being able to decide if I want to communicate with someone who shows an interest in me without having to make up some excuse to get out of their presence. What site do I recommend? Well Match.com seems to get more complex the longer they are around (someday I’ll put up a Match.com profile, but that’s when I have the patience to navigate that damn site. I swear it’s like Facebook – everytime you turn around somethings new) but I find that Curve Personals has a large Lesbian member base and their prices are reasonable. Check them out, and thank me when you find the love of your life (I mean it, I better get honorable mention at the wedding)

A Lesson In REAL LOVE

Life is way too short, and the recent loss of one of my Mother’s has proven that (and so much more) to me. It has also brought me to another epiphany in my life – What is REAL LOVE and who the REAL LOVES OF MY LIFE really are.

My Mother’s spirit left her beautiful earthly body on Halloween night (now I won’t ever celebrate Halloween the same again). The pain, so intense yet utterly indescribable, has taught me a lot about the feeling we call love and pain too. See before now, the only pain I considered that was of this magnitude was the pain of a broken heart. My ex was the only woman I had a relationship with that I had fallen completely head over heels in love with. I had a love for my previous girlfriends, but it was nothing like the inhibition and freedom I gave of myself in that relationship with my ex.

When my ex decided to leave I went through the entire gamete of emotions – cried out sleepless nights, utter confusion, disappointment, depression, you name it I felt it. The entire thing came out of nowhere and my heart shattered. I thought I had felt the ultimate pain from love lost…that is until 10/30/2011. I was talking to my Mother’s best friend when he informed me she was back in the hospital and it wasn’t good. I got scared, my heart started to race, I got anxious, I couldn’t sit still, I was in denial (she’ll pull through, she pulled through this summer but I’ll be on a plane the day she is scheduled to come home so I can be with her)…and then came the phone call…”She has an infection and they can’t operate because she may not survive it, and there is nothing they can do other than make her comfortable. They don’t think she’ll make it through the night.”

I prayed to God, asking him to give us more time. It reminded me of the way I prayed to God asking him to save my relationship with my ex. On 10/31/2011 at 10:05 PM my Mother passed. I couldn’t breathe, I cried, I screamed, I felt helpless, lost, confused. My air supply has just been taken away from me and no matter how hard I cried I couldn’t get her back. It’s crazy how I used to think of my ex along similar lines.

Today is a little better for me. I was able to sleep, and thanks to my Mother’s best friend I was able to laugh about her and segments of her life. I had a conversation with my Mother (Deb) in which my current epiphany was born: My ex hurting me is NOTHING compared to losing one of my Mothers’. This kind of love and pain supersedes all others. No woman will EVER be able to break my heart the way losing a Mother has. And I will NEVER give any woman that much power or energy. I know what real love is, and who the real loves of my life really are – Deb & Marnie, thank you for showing me the meaning of LOVE…

Yours, Mines, Ours: Open Relationships

Dating and relating provides you with many interesting perspectives, and with my newfound mentality on the two I have been presented with different aspects of love and relationships. One of them is the idea of an open relationship. If you’re not familiar with open relationships or the more politically correct term Polyamory. Urban Dictionary (because sometimes Webster is too ummmm sterile) defines Polyamory as the practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at a time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved. Simple enough, right? Let’s see, shall we…

I’ve always been a serial monogamist – dating with no real breaks in between relationships – until now where I find myself single (and loving it!) with no real desire to get into a long term serious relationship any time soon (if ever again). The idea of an open marriage never sat well with me, I mean c’mon we’re married for a reason and I doubt one of those reasons was for us to be with other people, but the idea of an open relationship (no marriage intended) is something I believe I can live with.

Some may say it’s cheating or feel as though they are cheating on their current partner and I guess I can see that side of it too, but then again there is that thing called mutual consent so if you tell someone you’re okay with them dating someone else, but you’re really not then you’re setting yourself up for heartache. Don’t agree to something you are not comfortable with under the guise of trying to hold onto to someone who probably isn’t worth holding onto anyway.  Another argument is how many is how many people are too many, and do you have sex with all of them or some of them? For me, seeing one or two people outside of my relationship is plenty and sexual relations progress differently from person to person, relationship to relationship. Just keep it clean and fun.

Jealousy? It’s human nature, even when you’re in a serious committed relationship or marriage jealousy will rear its ugly head. She looked at them too long, She was flirting with them all night, She dresses sexy to get attention, She spends more time with her poly lover, She does things with her poly lover that she would never do with me, She seems closer to her poly than She does to me. It’s all too common. But it’s how you deal with it that determines the success or demise of the entire relationship.

In my serial monogamy days, I’d give my all in the relationship with the expectation of reciprocity, only to have my girlfriend fall short and leave me subconsciously wishing that I was seeing someone else, or leave me cursing myself for not being the type of woman who cheats (that mentality may change too, jury is still out deliberating). Basically, the whole letdown of my previous disappointments could have been better alleviated if I was seeing another person (or two) at the same time.

They say what one woman won’t do, another surely will so (being completely selfish here, but I don’t give a fuck!) if this statement is true, out of the women I would be dating I am bound to get what I want from one or all of them. And when I am ready to settle down, I won’t feel like I’ve missed out on something (more like someone) by putting all of my eggs in one basket hoping to hatch some chickies.

Is an open relationship for you?...

The Bisexual Game

Whether you’ve been one or been with one, all Lesbians have had experiences with bisexuals. I, personally, have nothing against Bisexual women. Some people who are very close to me identify as Bisexual, and I love them regardless. However, within the Lesbian community Bisexuals have a bad rap. They say one bad apple spoils the bunch, well a subculture of the Bisexual community has given them all a bad name.

I Kissed a Girl…But I Was Drunk We’ve all heard the stories of drunken college girls who make out and have sex with each other, and more recently make Girl Gone Wildish YouTube videos. Are these women really Bisexuals? I highly doubt it. More like these women are doing so just to please or attract more attention from men thus the huge influx of women identifying as such in order to seem more appealing to the male species.

I Love Sex with Women…But Can My Boyfriend/Husband Join/Watch? These are the women I like to label as the “Hidden Agenda Chick”. You meet and she seems like a good dating match…that is until she tells you she is in a relationship with a male or married to one. Run for the hills and run fast! Do NOT pass go and fuck the $200.00. Never believe a woman when she says “Don’t worry. I have no plans on involving him. This is just between us girls.” Bullshit! A request for a threesome or voyeur experience always is sure to follow.

Buy Me Something…And I’ll Get Sexual The phrase pretty much says it all. This is typically from your equal opportunity wannabe Sugar Babies who spread their legs for whichever Sugar Daddy or Sugar Momma provides the most Bling. She’s not Bisexual, just a freak for material gain. She’s a great pretender so beware as I would hate to see you get caught up.

Here’s my two cents on the situation. I’ve never been a Bisexual, I’ve always been a Lesbian (Gold Star Baby in my Austin Powers voice) but I do believe there are women out there who are True Bisexuals. I have no problem dating a Bisexual, BUT I will not have a relationship with one. Why? I don’t want to settle down with someone who can easily absolve themselves from issues and struggles of the Gay and Lesbian community.

Ode to Cougars

I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus thanks in large part to some changes that occurred in my life recently. My part-time school schedule is more like a fulltime school load, thus some things must take a back seat to my much required readings. Hey, I could be your Nurse someday so you’ll thank me for putting my energy into my school work instead of entertaining you via my lovely blog post.

There's just something about a woman in her 40's...

And now back to your regularly scheduled program…

Cougars: Sexually aggressive women ranging from late thirties to mid-fifties who seek out love, affection, and relationships with partners much younger than them, usually in the 18-30 crowd…And one of the main ways to make my panties drop…

Within the last 5 years, the media has been speculating on this so called Cougar Trend, but if you know like I know – and trust me you if you don’t know, you NEED TO KNOW – then you know this so called “trend” is old school knowledge. I LOVE COUGARS – did I say that loud enough? I’ve always had this thing for older women. For as long as I can remember I’ve always gravitated towards women who were at least 10-15 years older than me. When I was 16 I had a full blown relationship with a 35 year old woman and from there my journey of dating older women began. By the way, to all the critics and social workers reading this FUCK YOU, PAY ME!

I’ve always been very mature for my age which makes dating a woman in my age group a daunting task. Cougar women tend to be more cultured more sophisticated, and more educated than your average 20-something woman. When it comes to dating & relating, substance is key and Cougar women have plenty of it…and then some…I’m also over the whole club and bar scene, whereas a lot of women my age aren’t. I prefer cocktails at a lounge such as Jolly’s Piano Bar, or After 5 at the Art Museum over a wild and crazy nightclub. It was cute when I was High School, half as fun when I started college, but now it’s just daunting and pointless.

Dating a Cougar woman comes with its own set of issues, if you see them as such, like it amazes me that in 2011 the double standards of having a much younger partner still exist. Oh its okay for a 50 year old man to walk around with a 20-something partner on their arm BUT let a woman do it and she has committed the ultimate sin and is subject to harsh scrutiny. I don’t question who you’re sleeping with so don’t who I am sleeping it. Agreed? Agreed! Baggage. We all have it, whether its ex(s), financial obligations, or caring for parents, but Cougar women tend to have more of it. Hey they’ve lived longer and been through much more. Which brings me to my next point – EXPERIENCE! Yes I am talking about what goes down in the bedroom – or the kitchen, the dressing room at Nordstrom’s, your car. Women hit their sexual peak in their late 30’s and are full on when they hit the big 4 0. They become sexual energizer bunnies and the sex is AMAZINGLY INDESCRIBABLE!

What’s my preference? Over 35, under 42. But there is always exception to every rule…

How to Love: Lesson Learned or Instilled at Birth?

Love is one of the most, in my opinion, powerful emotions we possess. As singer Al Green says “love, something that can make you do wrong, do right…” Love can bring out a wide range of other emotions and psychosis. Lately, I’ve been thinking about love (and for the record I am NOT, I repeat I AM NOT in love, hell I’m barely dating) and if knowing how to give and receive love is something we really know how to do. Many claim to know how to love, yet is their way of “loving” someone correct? Does having two parents’ around make you more of a “lover” than not? Is love something we learn from failed relationships?

The more I think about love, the more I realize that – like many others – my vision or version of love probably is not the best in the world. I always knew I never wanted to be unhappy like my parent’s – one is openly unhappy, while the other has been suffering in silence for as long as I’ve been old enough to understand the ins and outs of that marriage. So my solution was to do everything not to be like them. Simple enough, right? Not so much. In trying not to be like my parent’s, I realized that I didn’t have any positive representations of love (or marriage) to mirror. Life’s easy when you know what not to do, but what about when you don’t know what to do?

Some say that a failed relationship is a good way to learn about love, others say it’s a good way to learn about the pains of love. I guess the argument is that with a failed relationship you can evaluate yourself and the people you are attracted to so you can make necessary changes in order to avoid making the same mistakes. But what if you could avoid the failed relationship and the wrong people; can you still learn how to love? Can you still learn how to avoid falling for their type?

For me, learning how and who to love is going to be a lifelong, ongoing process. It’s something I have to free my heart from its trust insecurity restraints long enough to allow me to figure out how to truly love and be in love with the right person. An elder once told me that “love is not about finding the person you want to sleep with for the rest of your life, rather finding the person who you want to fight with for the rest of your lives…”

Is You Is, Is You Ain't?

I was having a very intriguing conversation with a friend about a week ago regarding relationships. We were discussing our past relationships and the effects they have had on us, making us change our views and ways of thinking and interacting with the women we may entertain on dates. If you know me, then you are familiar with my famous statement: “I’m not ready for a relationship!”

But my friend made a very thought provoking statement: No one is ever really ready for a relationship.

The more I think about it, the more I find it hard to disagree with her. What makes you “ready” for a relationship? Some may say that if your heart is open and free – although here is another question within a question, when is your heart truly free? – you can establish a relationship. While others may say that only you know when you are ready for a relationship. But do you follow your heart or your mind? Do you listen have a certain feeling inside? Is lust enough?

Before I abandoned my old ways of thinking, having sex used to signify the beginning of a relationship for me. Sex was viewed as something to be done with someone you are having a monogamous relationship and therefore having sex with a woman I was dating meant we were no longer casual but now exclusive. Because if I was ready to have sex with you, then I was ready to be with only you. Sex no longer has that definition or distinction in my life.

If we are going to go on “feelings” alone to be the catalyst for being ready for a relationship, then I don’t have any. Let me clarify: I have absolutely no “lovey” feelings for the women I go out with. I don’t love them, I don’t hate them, I like spending time with them but that’s all I can. I don’t envision a life with them nor do I have the desire to see them exclusively. Again, I like spending time with them. Nothing more, nothing less. Am I emotionally void? I don’t think so. “When the right person comes along you’ll have all of those cliché lovey dovey feelings inside” Thanks Grandma!

I’ve been told that relationships just happen on their own; it’s something you just fall into without knowledge. I can go with that as I have had a relationship that began that way before. I guess the ultimate factor is what a relationships means to you and maybe use that as an assessment of whether you are ready for a relationship. For most, a relationship is a foundation for marriage or a long term commitment, so having their educational and career on track or out of the way is ideal and makes them relationship ready. But when you’re constantly furthering your education and making career changes, do you put off finding your true love until you feel you have accomplished your dreams?

My answer is this: When you stopping looking for something that’s when things appear. I have learned that the more you trying to search for that one perfect ideal, the more you will feel like you are looking for something that does not exist.

“…Let what you need find you…”

"Fuck You! Pay Me!" - No Business; It's Personal

GOOD GIRLS go to Heaven;
BAD GIRLS go EVERYWHERE 

My loyal readers, I know that I have missed about two weeks (or more) worth of blog material but I assure you that’s not because I don’t have anything to blog about – trust me there will always be something for me to blog about. Truth is I haven’t had the urge to do much writing because I have been caught up in a lot of self-reflection, so I decided to but the business of blogging aside this once and just make this ultra-personal

Those of you who were a part of my life last year know that I went through a break up. Now that’s normal, people break up and I’ve had them before. But this particular break up forced a lot of change within me, forced me to look at things differently especially my views on certain things, and it even made me begin the journey of my dream career.

Since the age of 16 I have been in monogamous relationship after relationship. That’s who I am  - or was – the die-hard monogamist who swore she could never date more than one person at a time because “I can’t juggle, it’s just too much work to devote the amount of time an energy I put into a relationship to more than one person.” It’s funny how things change.

I was always the “Good Girl”, the ultra-supportive, loving, caring, MRS. Type. I desired it all – the house, the kids, the status. But I never got what I wanted or needed. In a way my previous situation was an awakening for me.

It’s like I was always standing on the edge of a cliff that was bound to fall anyway, but instead of waiting around for it to crumble I was pushed over the edge. Now the normal reaction to such a thing is to try to hold onto the edge and regain your place. But not for me. I have no desire to be rescued, no desire to return to that edge, no desire to hang on. I just want to continue to fall and be, and feel free. For the first time in my life I am going to be the “Bad Girl”. I’m going to date as many people I want when I want and how I want, I’m going to flirt unforgivingly with boys with girls with whomever because I love the attention, I’m going to put myself first always, and most importantly I am going to follow my dreams and build an awesome future for myself.

For the first time in my life I feel FREE. You never know how bound you are to a certain role in life, a certain way of thinking, or certain ideals until something forces you to abandon them. So I’m sure the question is will I play the “Bad Girl” role forever? I don’t know. Some call this a phase, but what if this is who I am supposed to be?

Everyone has a breaking point. Drop someone hard enough and eventually they crack.

The Birthday List

Happy Birthday to Me! I must admit turning 27 (yes, I put my age out there. I ain’t scared) is great. I need to do this more often. One thing comes to mind – The List. You know what list I am talking about, the list of things you wanted to do/have by the time you reached a certain age.


MARRIAGE or something like it…I thought I would be “married” by now, but doesn’t every girl? In my early 20’s I was with a woman who wanted to get married complete with ceremony and all the trimmings. I agreed and we planned a beautiful wedding. Too bad we never made it down the aisle.

KIDS tailor made or adopted…I always said I wanted to have or adopt a child by the time I am 28. Well I’m 27 and nowhere near ready to raise a child. Hell I’m still raising my own inner child. I’m thinking more like 30’s is when I will bless my mother with a grandchild (one she says cannot call her Grandma. Go figure!)

CAREER or the diverted path…When I was first in college I wanted to be one thing – an Obstetrician. I fell out of love with the current trends in medicine towards birth and decided to pursue my next career goal – License to be a Bitch aka Juris Doctorate. While taking Sociology courses I decided to take the unknown diverted path. But the train is back on track and I am going to pursue my love medicine and helping others via Nursing and since I still love the Law obtaining my Juris Doctorate is not too far off from my MSN.

HOMEOWNERSHIP or renters game…The house was always going to come with the marriage, the kids and the career. But since everything else is on an extended plan so is the house as SOCIAL SERVICES DOESN’T PAY SHIT! Once I become a Nurse I’m going to get my first home and work my way up to that mansion on the hill.

TATTOOS and other unmentionable things…I always thought I would have my first and possibly second tattoo by now. I’ve had several piercings but the only thing is missing is my tattoo experience. I can’t even say there is a valid excuse as to why I do not have it now but please believe that I will have one by this time next year.

All in all, I have to admit I like where I am in life. I’ve made some mistakes, learned some very valuable lessons, outgrew some friends, and gained some better ones, disregarded my family and bonded with an entirely new one. At 27 I am proud to say simply that LIFE IS GOOD!

Married Women: Forbidden Fruit or Fair Game?

Recently the topic of straight married women who are curious about Lesbianism has come up a lot. And when I say a lot I mean like deep conversations with those I am very close to and a random proposition from a married woman. We’ll discuss that one later.

I have always believed that sexuality is more fluid within in women than in men. I could be wrong, but I think over the course of a woman’s life she is more likely to “flow” from heterosexuality to bisexuality to homosexuality and possible back and forth again until she ultimately finds her true “flow”. Some of us are just born into our true “flow” but we are not the majority. And for this reason we have many married women who feel the need to explore a side of themselves that they felt they needed to keep hidden behind the guise of marriage and children.

Some would argue that married women are off limits, no if’s, and’s, or but’s about it. I don’t believe in breaking up a happy home (God & Karma the ultimate conscious team), but if a woman approaches you and it’s clear that she is on her way out and just waiting for the paper work formalities to commence then I say why not entertain the idea. We all got our start somewhere. I know a few Lesbians who actually go after married women. They love the idea of conquering forbidden territory and walking away with a man’s wife and children. My friend “T” is one of those women. When she finds a woman she likes, wedding band or not, she is on it (and her) – literally and figuratively. She has broken up more marriages than Facebook. Her response: “These women [married women] are looking for one of two things: to explore their inner freak for the night, or for a gateway to the other team.” I think she’s just out to pop everyone’s lesbian cherry.

I met Laura at a friend’s pool party. We started talking because her then husband was being a dirty old man and hitting on me. I assured her she had nothing to worry about as I’m a lesbian and have no interest in him (or any other man for that matter). She didn’t seem to care, but was very intrigued. The more we talked the more I got to know about her desire to be with another woman. She said she got married because she was always told it was something she had to do, but she was never satisfied – sexually or emotionally – and therefore was ready for a divorce. We talked and got to know each better over the next few weeks. So the glorious weekend occurs. She calls me one Friday night and says she doesn’t want to be there when her husband returns from his business trip. I told her she could spend the night with me. One night turned into being laid up with her the entire weekend. Everything was going well – that is until her husband shows up on my door step Sunday morning looking for his wife!

One would think that incident has deterred me from engaging with another married woman, but it’s just the opposite. I don’t hunt them down, but I also don’t brush them off either. Like I said before we all got our start somewhere. And as always every situation is different.

Odd Girl Out: Outgrowing People, Places & Mentalities

Sometimes you're better off on your own...

I had an epiphany recently. It just came out of nowhere, as they tend to do for me, I just accept them as they come – no questions asked – but this particular epiphany had me seeking confirmation and clarity before fully embracing it. About a week or so ago I posted a random question to my Facebook page: “I know you can outgrow friends, but is it possible to outgrow family members too?” The general consensus was YES. But it led me to evaluate other aspects of my life.

People: Ever get the feeling that you don’t want to be around your own family? Like certain dynamics that were once tolerable and maybe even acceptable to a degree make you question how you can be related to someone who acts/thinks that way. My aunts have a habit of waiting until the 11^th hour to plan something and get things organized. Before it was I guess okay to scramble around at the last minute because the end result would be a fun filled event for the entire family, but now I refuse to plan or be a part of ANYTHING they want to plan. I don’t even stick around when they are all together, and they were some of my favorite people to hang around but now when they are here I say my Hi’s” and then say my “Goodbye’s” and head off to do my own thing.

At some point or another, we outgrow our friends and it’s usually do to lifestyle changes i.e. marriage, kids, moving to a new city for a job. The moment I realized I had outgrown my family is the moment I also realized that I have outgrown most of my friends. Facebook is a great way to keep up and in touch with your friends during the week, but if you notice that over the course of a year that you have not had one face to face interaction with a Friend who resides in the same City or a neighboring State, then how can you really consider them to be a friend? Or if you invite them to parties or outings and they never show or never want to go, are they then still a friend? My answer is NO! Facebook is an avenue, not an end all.

Places: I can honestly say that I outgrew the Club scene before I was legal enough to indulge in it. I lived my 20’s in my Teens so the Club scene does not appeal to me. Occasionally, I’ll go to the Lesbian Bar for karaoke and their amazing drink special ($10 = 8 drink tickets, and a bar packed with Lesbians, Gay Boys, and Drag Queens. Oh what a night!) and to dance to some of my favorite tunes. Other than that, a night out for me consist of a happy hour with my girls at some cool lounge or restaurant, attending a live Jazz or Neo-Soul concert, or hitting up Jolly’s Dueling Piano Bar. These are classy places that never go out of style.

Mentalities: Once upon a time, I was the kind of girl who would never date two people at the same time. I was a diehard monogamist from beginning to end. The idea of juggling more than one woman was too complex for me. Now (and you have my Ex to thank – or not - for this one) I still believe in monogamy but I’m also open to dating more than one person at a time. I know what I want, and I’m wise enough to know that not every woman is going to or is capable of giving me what I want. People want different things in their lives, and that’s okay. I have my Dream Girl in mind and should she come my way I will gladly shut all others down and focus on her entirely, but until then casual dating is where it’s at for me. Another mentality I held onto, and I didn’t realize it until a month ago, was the idea of being a single parent. I don’t need a partner or the picture perfect life to raise a child, and in fact I will be adopting one and possibly giving birth to one on my own.

Life is about changes, and with changes comes some gains and losses. I believe the trust test of friendship or familialship (no it’s not a word so don’t try to win scrabble with it) is those who are by your side no matter how many changes you or they may go through.

Confession: The Best I Ever Had

We weren’t together very long, but what we shared was very significant. We could have been together longer, but circumstances in our lives prevented us from taking our relationship to the next level. She was “the one”, Mommy’s favorite (they share the same birthdate), and she is still a part of my life today…but as a friend. We’ve grown, we’ve changed, and women have come and gone but no matter what she has always been the best I ever had.

I met her on accident one hot summer day in ’03. I was hanging out in Giovanni’s Room, the only Gay/Lesbian bookstore in this city (which reminds me, I should pay them a visit), looking for good read. She was on the hunt for a good erotica novel and asked me for a recommendation. Anything by Tristan Taormino will suffice. A woman who is not afraid of her love of sex is always someone I want to know. We checked out, she paid for my books – a bit aggressive and forward, I like, I like – then we had lunch at a nearby sushi restaurant. She was finishing up medical school at Penn and was considering doing her residency at Johns Hopkins.

First date was fun, second date even better, by the third date tension was rising between us; we decided to go dancing. Now I’m good at sizing up my partner and I believe you can assess how a woman moves in bed by the way she sways her hips on the dance floor. And sway those hips she did. After a few hours of bumping, grinding, and downing shots of Bacardi and Patron we decided to have our own private after party back her place in Queen Village. Inhibitions went out the window, she was the type to go for what she wanted – and did!

I never had to tell her what I liked or what I wanted because she already knew and did it all. She took full control without saying a word. We transitioned from one position to the next and my body responded to her in ways it had never responded to those before her. I’m not one to fake an orgasm – yes there have been occasions where they have been a no show, and no I’m not going to fake one just to spare your ego, step your game up babe – but in this case there was no need to because I had so many, I lost count after ten. This was a late night, early morning session for sure; we finally went to sleep when the sun started to rise.

Now you all are wondering, does one night qualify a person for the title of The Best I Ever Had in the Sex Hall of Fame? No. But when you can deliver on a consistent basis the entire relationship, and once we split and no other woman has ever been able to achieve nothing more than an honorable mention, then you definitely are the Lourdes of my Labia. Who is she? I’ll never tell, but she knows who she is. But if you are ever in the same room with us and you happen to notice the eye action, subtle changes in my body movements, then you know she’s around.

Ex-Factor: "Can't Be Friends"?

Unless you are lucky enough to still be with the first woman you fell in love with, you have an Ex-Factor translation Ex-Girlfriend(s). Ex’s are ex’s for a reason, whether you fucked up or she fucked up, or you both fucked up, there always seems to be that lingering question when it all falls down: Can we be friends? For many the answer is Hell to the Naw (in your Whitney Houston voice) but others can actually have a full fledge friendship with their ex. Being friends with an ex is risky business, and here is why:

Last Time…Breakup Sex that Never Seems to End

Guilty, guilty, guilty! They say breakup sex is the best sex, but there is a reason why breakup sex is just that – BREAKUP SEX! Hooking up with your ex after things have ended can complicate things especially if one of you has started to date someone new. It can tie your emotions and feelings up and in some instances prevent you from moving on from the relationship. I’m guilty of going back for seconds, thirds, fourths, even fifths after things ended. One ex and I had breakup sex for three months after we officially split. It wasn’t something we planned, we just fell into it and after the first few times it just became a habit of convenience. Eventually we stopped but she still held onto feelings for me while I moved on from her.

I’m About to Catch A Case…New Chick on the Block

So your breakup wasn’t so bad, you two have actually managed to maintain a good working friendship. You hang out together, you talk at least two times per week, and you even attend events hosted by your mutual friends. Everything is going well, that is until your new MRS or her new MRS launches and all-out war against your ex. The jealous new chick on the block hates your friendship with your ex, she questions the validity of said friendship, and even demands that you stop being friends with your ex because of her own insecurities. She indirectly picks fights with your ex, and dismisses your ex as being a part of your life. After years of not speaking, K and I developed a friendship. We still had mutual friends but this time we actually spoke to one another when we were in the same room. K has always considered me to be the one that got away so when she started dating M I thought for sure that K would put all of her feelings and energy into making that relationship work. Regardless of what was going on between them, M had it out for me. She did not want me in K’s life and had this preconceived notion that I was her competition. One night we were all out at a lounge, dancing, drinking, laughing and just having a good time. I was standing by the bar with my friend Jenn when M walked by me, nudged me with her shoulder, and muttered “stuck up Bitch”.  Jenn and I looked at each other and decided to let it slide. M walks by us again, this time bumping into me, spilling her drink on me, and muttering “conceited Bitch”. At this point I had had enough. I walked over to K and said “Get your Bitch before I kick her ass from one end of this club to the next.”

We Just Can’t Be Friends…No If’s, And’s, But’s About It

So you busted the windows out her car, she pulled a Waiting to Exhale on all your shit, you sent the police to her home under the guise of distributing narcotics, she crank calls your cell and work number, you egged her house in the middle of the night. Whatever the situation, you two just can’t be friends. There are ex’s that no matter what, we just cannot get past what they have done to do us. They have committed an unforgiveable sin, the ultimate betrayal, and there is just no coming back from that. No amount of apologies, tears, or years can make you allow this person back into your life under any circumstances. It’s a dead and gone situation.

“Everything ain’t for everybody…” But for some ex’s, friendship is where it should have begun and ended.

"There MUST Be Rules!": Migrating from Dating to Relationship

Spring has Sprung and Summer is on FIRE! As Usher says “So many girls that we need champagne...” No doubt my dating life has picked up and I have revamped my thinking on a lot of things.

Let’s face it, when it comes to dating and relationships, things tend to move VERY FAST for Lesbians. I don’t know if it’s fear of losing the woman you are dating to someone else, or the fear of being alone forever that drives Lesbians to jump into a relationship and U-Haul it before getting to know each other better than one or two dates.

When you’re young and naïve – c’mon we’ve all been there, sadly some of us still reside there – you get into things you probably shouldn’t be into out of lack of knowledge or just immature impulse. But when you wise up you tend to navigate dating a lot different than you would before. The average Lesbian goes on two dates with someone before the Declaration of Us is established. I’m not sure what goes down in this obviously post sex conversation, but rules for entering a relationship are met.

 Now I’m curious. What are the rules for going from dating to being in a relationship?

Good, Good, Giving it Up: For some people when they sleep together they are in a relationship. Now this could be a good thing if you really wait and take the time to get to know someone before giving up the cookies, but there are those of you (and you know who you are) who have sex on the first date. Are you then in a relationship after that?

Third Time’s a Charm: There are those who believe in the three date rule before having sex and anything after that is considered to be Girlfriend status. This is more understandable to me because if you are exclusively dating someone this long and you enjoy sleeping together and being together then why not don the GF status with the hope of achieving your MRS.

Lockdown Until Further Notice: Some women have a three date rule, others have a three month or more rule. They want to be sure they are getting involved with the right person so they withhold sex and their heart until they feel they can trust the other person. But this can backfire (and I have seen it happen more times than not) because no one wants to feel like they are jumping through hoops just for the possibility of being rejected anyway. Another scenario is the women who don’t want to give up their Player status so they withhold officially naming one woman as their Girlfriend and refer to them as “My Friend”.

What are my rules? I don’t have any! Why? Because every woman and every situation is different. Some women are fun to date, but horrible in relationships. And if you are lucky you come across the ones you can migrate from dating to a relationship.

Sex Room: Stripping & Pole Dancing

I’ve always admired and respected Strippers since my introduction to the movie The Players Club. I even dated one who worked for Daydreams for three months, although I only really did so just to be able to brag about dating a Stripper, I knew it would never go anywhere. But after delving into Pole Dance class (Got Pole? Located on 3^rd & South has some of the best instructors and classes for only $10.00 for a one hour group lesson) I have a newfound respect for women who drop it, pop it, twerk it, and climb the poles for a living.

One of my best friends is a retired Stripper, yes she hung up the boobs, booty, and pole last June at the age of 29 in favor of settling down and wanting to start a family with her current Mrs. Jen and I met when I was 18 and she had been dancing she was 19 as a form of supplemental income while she was in College and Grad School. Through her I learned all about the behind the scenes world of stripping i.e. house fee, attire requirements, rivalry between dancers, but it wasn’t until I took a Beginners Pole Dance class that I really got a firsthand experience into the art of stripping. Pole Dancing is a workout in itself as it requires you to be able to lift your body weight so you can climb and do different tricks and maneuvers.

Never ever, ever, ever wear lotion or body oils to class or a club. Why? Because you will constantly slide down the pole. If you know you are going to take Pole classes that evening do not apply lotion after you shower. I know, you don’t want to be ashy, but you also don’t want a huge bruise on your ass from hitting the floor. Trust, it hurts and it’s not pretty.

There is actually a method behind the madness of Clear Heels – they help you climb and stick to the Pole. How? The vinyl of the shoes actually is a good sticking agent for your initial climb (short climb) and helps you climb the pole higher for those sexy descends. Any “Stripper Store” i.e. Erogenous Zone or Lady Lord, will have a wide selection of these shoes available. For easier climbing experience buy a pair of calf high or knee high pleather boots.

If you’re going to make Pole Dancing apart of your weekly workout routine then you might as well go all in and purchase Pole Dancing attire. Translation – skimpy tops and booty shorts or costumes from said “Stripper Stores”. Looking the part, even if it is just for fun, always makes the experience more exciting.

Downside? The only problem, and guess this is not so much a problem as it is a Right of Stripper Passage, is the bruising and “Pole Burn”. Sliding down the pole causes major friction and friction leads to bruising. After my first class I had inner arm, inner thighs, outer leg bruises for a week. Believe it or not, real Strippers get bruised when they use the pole all the time. It’s the norm. The good news is once you get used to the Pole and your body strength increases the burn and bruises aren’t as bad.

Think Pole Dancing is just for the Skinny Bitches? Think again! There are plenty Plus Size and Thick Jawns (yes I said Jawns) rocking out on the Pole. Check out this one performance: Temptations Debut to Sex Room

Will I ever turn my workout routine into a Profession? Well in the words of my friend Amanda, “If AES doesn’t stop stalking me for my student loan money I’m going to have a new side hustle.”

La Familia: Dynamics In My Culturally/Social Class Mixed Family

I went to see “Jumping The Broom” about two weeks ago. It’s a great movie, even if the critics don’t think so, and I could actually relate to it as my Mother’s family are like the Watson’s and my Father’s family are like the Taylor’s. How was I raised? Like a Watson for majority of my life, then like a Taylor when I lived with my Father. But I still hold strong to core values from both social classes.

No doubt the movie got me thinking about my life in my own family being that I am openly Lesbian. My family is diverse in more ways than class. My Mother’s family is European and Jewish, my Father’s family is Hispanic and African-American with a religious mix of Catholicism and Baptism. So you can imagine some subtle confusion - There is no Jesus on Friday, but there is a Jesus on Sunday - but it wasn’t as bad as one may think. My Mother’s family was very high class. My Grandfather was one of the corporate attorneys for AT&T, my Grandmother taught Art at Marquette University so Country Clubs, shopping sprees in New York, and vacations overseas were not a foreign concept to them. My Father’s family worked in Healthcare or Contracting. He came from a family of 10 children so they were somewhere above the poverty level and on the lower totem pole of Middle Class. Blue Collar for sure.

Each lifestyle has it positives and draw backs. With my Mother I was exposed to a world of Country Clubs, frequent trips abroad due to invitations for her and my Step-Father to present research, frequent trips to Saks, Nordstrom’s, Bergdorf’s, and homes with pools, jacuzzis, and $100,000 pieces of art work. But I also was exposed to the reality that my Mother’s family is not close. They only see each other or communicate when there is a death or a wedding and even then it’s hard. With my Father’s family there are wonderful gatherings for just about every occasion, I have Aunts who are supportive and extremely helpful when it comes to my nursing studies, and I get to see my Grandparents whenever I want. But my Father’s family are not very worldly. They shun things that are unknown such as foods and new experiences, and they are just living to live instead of having dreams.

So how does me being openly Lesbian fit into all of this? Well, believe it or not, my Mother’s family is more accepting of me being a Lesbian. When I came out to them, although it wasn’t really coming out (I really hate that term, stay tuned for another blog post about it), they wanted to meet my partner, they wanted her to be apart of family functions and would even host family functions just to get to know her. My father’s family on the other hand threw Bible versus at me, and my own Grandmother insulted my partner in front of my face. My Father doesn’t even speak to me about my relationships let alone asks about my love life or my partners.

I have to be honest here, I expected it to be the other way around. I thought my Mother’s family would jump on their “We’re Levine’s and have an image to maintain" approach but surprisingly they have embraced me being openly Lesbian and support whatever decisions I make. Now I’m not saying that Mommy Dearest has liked every women I have dated. She’s still overprotective and neurotic (What do you expect? She’s Jewish!) but she respects me and acknowledges the fact that she will be gaining a daughter instead of losing one. My Father’s family still believes that this is a “phase” or I’m “still getting yourself together” as if this is some tranz to snap out of. I’m a Lesbian. Out. Proud. It is what it is. Get over yourselves.

Sex 101: Things Better Left Unsaid

We’re all adults who have done the do, gotten it in, whatever you want to call it. We’ve experienced it all - the good, the bad, the in between, and the occasional “Really, what the fuck was I thinking?!?” But some of us, you know who you are, need to be reminded of what I like to describe as sex etiquette. You know the things one is never supposed to do let alone say during sex. Let’s review, shall we:

1. “I thought you had the key to the handcuffs…”

I’m not sure which is worse in this situation - having to explain this to a lock smith or the fear of someone walking in on you while you are handcuffed to the bed or other apparatus. Bottom line, know where the main keys, spare keys, and jaws of life are at all times. I would hate to see you on the 6:00 AM news.

2. “Can you keep the moaning, screaming, heavy breathing to a minimum?”

Are you kidding me? This statement is probably one of the fastest ways to take your orgasm from 120 to 0 in two seconds flat. Sex is loud, raunchy, passionate, wild, and sometimes messy. You’re going to have the neighbors know my name moments and the sly “Did you sleep well?” comments from mothers and other family members. I remember one time an ex had her mother and brother stay with us for the weekend. Her mother goes to bed late and gets up early. The next morning we went out to the kitchen to have breakfast.

“Did you girls sleep okay?” her mother asks

“Yeah. But I’m starving.”

“Well after the night you two had I’m sure you worked up quite an appetite”

3. Being Overly Verbal

Miranda from Sex and the City said it best: “Because sex is not a time to chat. In fact, it's one of the few instances in my overly articulated, exceedingly verbal life where it is perfectly appropriate, if not preferable, to shut up. And now suddenly I have to worry about being stumped for conversation? No thank you.” I can understand the naughty comments here and there, but to expect a full fledge conversation or expect your partner to be completely verbal during sex is insane. No, I don’t want to talk about work, answer questions about light bulbs, or even negotiate. I just want to come. End of story.

4. “My ex used to do that a lot better than you…”

Want a quick way to kill someone’s ego and make them feel insecure in bed with you? Compare them to your ex. Sex between two people will never be the same. Yes you may do the same things but the technique is never the same. And I know we all have a person (or two) who has completely rocked our world (stay tuned for my post on the Lordess of My Labia) and will go down in the Sex Hall of Fame as The Best I Ever Had but there is no need to project those expectations on your current partner or you will be partnerless.

5. “Oops! Where did it go?”

This one is where I have heard it all.

"The dildo fell out of the harness" - Use the proper harness and “O” ring,

"The dildo won’t stay inside my girlfriend" - Get a longer length

"It’s hard to 69 in the dark" - Then turn on a damn light! Geez.

"I get neck cramps when I go down on my partner" - Prop her up with a pillow or switch positions

"My partner keeps falling out of the sex swing" - Strap her in tighter!

I love sex, I think it’s a wonderful thing but my motto has always been: Life is too short for bad sex. I don’t do bad sex and I have stopped dating someone because of it.

So what are some of things you would add to list above?

I'm So (Not) Hood

The weather is getting warmer and warmer which means more dating and mingling because lets be honest it’s too damn cold to date in the Winter, and Frosty and Stilettos don’t seem to get along. I don’t discriminate when it comes to love, a woman’s ethnicity is irrelevant to me but I have found that many women of color, more so African-American and Hispanic women discriminate against women like me. What am I referring to? “Black White Girls”, “W.G.I.T’s - White Girl In Training”, and I am sure there are plenty more names to describe the subset of African-American women who’s English is “polished” (speak proper English), love to rock American Eagle, Abercrombie & Finch, Aeropostle, and knows every single lyric to Vanessa Carlton’s “A Thousand Miles” as opposed to Trick Daddy’s “I’m a Thug”.

A while ago, I went on a date with an African-American woman who is an attorney. We were introduced by a mutual friend who thought we would be perfect for one another given an interest in law and neo-feminism. Before our date we had a few telephone conversations in which she commented “You really don’t have a Philly accent.” I shrugged it off as I have been told by many people that I don’t have a Philly/East Coast accent (whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean). We met for dinner at my favorite Indian restaurant, conversation flowed naturally, she inquired about my interest and points of view and I did the same. The next day she texts me to tell me that she enjoyed dinner. I told her that we can do it again if she is interested. Her response: “That’s cool BUT I don’t think we’re a good match. You’re not Black enough for me…” What do you mean I’m not Black enough? Is my complexion not dark enough? My hair not kinky enough? What is Black enough?

“You talk like a White girl…”

I’ve always talked this way, it is what it is

“You’re very comfortable around White people…”

And I should not be because?

“You don’t dress like other Black women…”

Do you mean I don’t dress like a video ho’ or some Ghetto Hot Mess?

“You don’t listen to Rap music…”

Nor do I listen to Heavy Metal or Twangy Country Western

“You don’t use slang or Ebonics…”

I was raised and taught to use proper English, weren’t you?

Just because I choose a style of dress that goes against the status quo in the African-American community and I shy away from using the “N” word or some other Ebonics terminology when I speak, doesn’t mean I am any less in tune with my African-American roots than the next woman. A friend of mine conveyed her dating experience to me recently. She is African-American and only dates Caucasian or Asian women because she feels as though the African-American community has ostracized her because of the way she speaks and carries herself. “Women of other cultures embrace me more than my own people. Yet the same women who make me feel uncomfortable about being me are the same ones who get upset when I have a White or Asian woman on my arm.”

This experience is not uncommon. At the end of the day, I am going to do and be me. I am not going to resort to the status qou behavior just to gain acceptance from a subset of people who believe I should conduct myself in a manner which I have been taught is inappropriate. So what if I talk, dress, act “White”, it has gotten me this far so I must being doing something right.

Maybe, Baby?

These past few months just about everyone I know is either having a baby or getting pregnant. All this baby popping and conceiving made the alarm in my head go off about a question I have been tussling with for a few years now - Give birth? Adopt? Both?

When I was younger, like most girls, I knew I wanted to have a child - a girl for sure. But when I realized I was a Lesbian I knew having a child in the conventional way was out of the question (Sorry Ladies, I am not one to take one for the Team). My only option was a donor. I have to admit the idea of not knowing my child’s father kind of freaked me out a bit. I mean what am I going to tell her when she asks about her father? Oh sweetie your Daddy is donor #19274. What the f**k! I did some research into the AI (Artificial Insemination) process and took on a whole new mentality - I can tailor make my baby! When I searched the donor list I discovered that there were many options to choose from - ethnicity, complexion, hair color, hair texture, eye color, education level (there’s a Graduate Donor’s list of men who have Graduate degrees and beyond), religion, and there is a celebrity look alike category which shows you pictures of the celebrities your potential donor looks like - Umm yes, I will take the Paul Walker look-a-like donor. I know we will make a beautiful daughter together! Don’t be fooled, AI is NOT a cheap process. Just one vial alone cost minimally $545.00 and that DOES NOT include shipping, storage, and insemination via a trained medical professional. And depending on your age and medical history you may need to do more than one insemination so the price triples and quadruples until you conceive.

The process of being pregnant and giving birth is an adventure unto itself, which is one of the reasons why adoption is appealing to me. The path I have set out for myself to complete in this lifetime is going to require me to work odd hours and even travel every 6 weeks during certain times of the year. Add a newborn to the equation and things can get virtually impossible. Having a school age child can make being a Superwoman/Super Mom a lot easier. I’ve always wanted to raise a strong, powerful, intelligent woman, and giving a girl a good home and nothing but unconditional love is something I would love to do. But as eager as I am to change the world one girl at a time, there are still hurdles - no matter how subtle or unspoken they may be - to adopting a Single Lesbian Woman. Many states won’t allow Lesbian couples to adopt children, and they are not to fond of the idea of Single Lesbians adopting children. You have to protect your rights and the rights of your child so you need an attorney on deck who is knowledgeable and understanding. And they don’t come cheap. There are home visit fees, which depending on if you adopt a child in foster care or a newborn can be completed by the State for free or can expect to pay anywhere from $1000-$5000. The good news: You can stick it to Uncle Sam because it’s all tax deductible. Adopting a child comes with a lot of perks, but I think the best one of all is that I can give a child a chance to have a semi-normal life filled with love and acceptance.

I’m definitely going to do both - give birth and adopt a child - but in what order, that is still left to be decided. No matter what road I choose to take first two things are certain: (1) The name of my blog will be changed to Sex and the Single Lesbian Mom, and (2) My child is going to have a wonderful group of people who love them just as much as I do, if not more.

Two's Company, But Is Three A Crowd?

Menage a Trois: A French term used to originally describe a domestic arrangement in which three people having sexual relations occupy a single household.


Leave it to the French to be very lax and innovative when it comes to love and sex. And by the way, they said PEOPLE, no gender specifications involved (No wonder they think America is so ass backwards. Go figure!).

Threesomes! Everyone has an opinion or story about them. You either love the idea or hate it, had the ultimate sexual experience or something you never want to experience again. Having a threesome, to me, is another level of sexual exploration and freedom.

I’ve heard about all kinds of threesomes - all women, all men, two women and a man, two men and a woman. No matter the combination they all require a certain degree of trust and understanding among the participants.

The argument has been made that if you’re married or in a serious committed relationship, a threesome can be a death sentence to the relationship as you know it. While that may be true in some cases, it’s not the gospel in all situations. Some people call it cheating - How is that the case when three consenting adults mutually agree to give themselves to each other? Or if the request/desire is one sided questions born out of insecurity - Am I enough, am I satisfying you? Are you still attracted to me? On the other hand there are couples that a threesome takes their sex life to a whole new level of passion, exploration, and excitement.

Finding the right participants can make the difference between a good threesome experience and a bad one. If you’re coupled up you should do this together, going on a kitty hunt without your Mrs. could have devastating results - Are you trying to lose your wife? Don’t pick a woman who is sexier than you! If you’re flying solo you get to decide if you want to play with two other solo people, or if you want to be the third to an established couple. Whatever the situation/arrangement everyone involved must have the same mindset and be comfortable with what is about to go down - figuratively and literally.

Have I ever had a threesome? No. But it’s something I want to do this lifetime. There is an offer on the table, yet I haven’t decided if I want to seal the deal…

Pro Lover - Casual Sex Revamped

Once upon a time I was one of those women who swore she would never have a one night stand, let alone casual sex. I had old fashion values when it comes to love and relationships and sex was always reserved for the relationship. Now I still won’t have a one night stand, but my thinking towards casual sex has changed.

It wasn’t until last summer that I delved into the arena of NSA sex. The woman, whom I will refer to as DS, and I went on a few dates and were very open and honest about what was going on in our lives at the moment. She was in the process of moving, making major life changing decisions about her career, and still had some lingering ex-factor issues. I, on the other hand, had taken on more responsibilities at work, was in the middle of my nursing studies, and also dealing with some lingering ex-factor issues. DS and I loved spending time together, loved sleeping together, but neither of us had the time (or desire at the moment) to get into a formal relationship. So we did it, literally and figuratively, we started a relationship based strictly on sex.

One of us would call or text - “Can I see you tonight?”, “What are you doing for lunch?” - and just like that we were together. If one of us needs a “date” for a work of formal function we ask the other to accompany us, outside of those rare occasions it’s a strictly sexual encounter. We follow the unspoken rules: don’t ask, don’t tell, no jealously, no drama, no expectations of fidelity. We have both agreed that if one of us finds someone we want to have a formal relationship with then out of respect for the other person our casual encounters must end.

Now just because I have revamped my thinking about casual sex doesn’t mean that I am totally against the idea of a formal relationship. I’m happily single but should the right woman come along I will gladly only give myself to her. But until then NSA casual sex will do.

I Do (Support Gay Marriage), But I Won't (Ever Get Married)

I know, I know, I know, this is a shocker to most of you. But YES, I’m a Lesbian who DOES NOT want to get married. HOWEVER, I do support the right for other members of the LGBT community to do so.

I’ve been in plenty of weddings and been to more than I can remember. I think they are a beautiful thing yet a lot of work for just one day. But it’s just not for me.

My mentality has always been that I don’t need a piece of paper or a ring (although it is a beautiful show piece - Look ya’ll, my ring had a baby! Toni Childs Insider) to make me be faithful and committed to my partner for the rest of my life. A marriage license does not guarantee fidelity or shield you against other issues that could be the cause of demise in your relationship. Let’s face it, if someone is going to be unfaithful a piece of paper is not going to stop them nor is it going to prevent an inevitable break up.

Ceremonies: The more I attend them the more I am certain that they, like the initial proposal, should be a private affair. A lot of couples write their own vows, a personal love letter to their wife to be, and they are spoken before hundreds of witnesses. Some may think it’s romantic to express your love in front of family and friends, but I equate it to the love I’d express to her via a personal email, a card, or text message. I’m sure I would never share a sexting message with hundreds of family and friends, so it makes no sense to share something that’s just as intimate.

So what am I willing to do? Have a big kick ass party to celebrate finding the love of my life and committing ourselves to each other forever. Some will argue that’s what a wedding is all about. But there will be no marriage license to sign, no ordained BFF officiating a ceremony, reading of vows, gowns, or the exchanging of rings. Just us two and an intimate group of family and friends who we hope will help us celebrate our love for many years to come.


I Love The Way You Lie...

DANI & ALICE

A Roberta Munroe Short Film

“If she ever tries to leave again I’ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire…” Sound familiar? For many it’s part of the eerie lyrics to the popular Eminem and Rhianna song, but for an unfortunate few they’re a constant threat from the person they love.

Contrary to popular belief, Domestic Violence is not just a straight thing or heterosexual issue. The rates of domestic violence in lesbian relationships is the same for women in heterosexual relationships, yet lesbian women do not report the incident, file for orders of protection, or press charges at the same rate as women in heterosexual relationships. Why? If you’ve ever been a victim of same sex domestic violence and have tried to take some legal action against your partner, I’m sure you have been met with some skepticism even out right disbelief from the justice system in this city:

“It’s just a simple Lovers quarrel.” But at what point does it become battering?

“Your lover must be very Butch or The man in the relationship.” Actually she’s a petite, feminine, stiletto wearing, lesbian.

“It should be easy for you to leave, it’s not like you’re married.” Single or Married, battered women’s syndrome knows no marital status.

Here is my personal experience: When I was 19 I was dating/living with a woman who, when she had one too many drinks, became very mean, nasty, and violent. One evening, after an argument about her infidelity, I decided to have a night out with my girls. I dressed to the nines, grabbed a credit card, car keys and spent the night restaurant hoping in NY and DC with three of my close friends. Not too long after midnight I got text message from a friend stating: “Your wife is going to fuck you up when you get home.” My response was “I know…” My crime: not answering her calls or text messages.

When I arrived home at 3:00 AM from my night out I knew what to expect - yelling and screaming followed by her grabbing me by my neck and pushing me against the wall. And that’s exactly what happened. Did I call the police? No. Did I press charges? No. But I did leave. She was never going to change, and although some call it subtle abuse, it was going to eventually escalate. Hitting is hitting, and it doesn’t matter if you have easily hidden bruises or if you end up in the emergency room, it’s all unacceptable.

On average, there are more domestic violence support services for women in heterosexual relationships than there are for women in same sex relationships. One of the reasons is because we (myself included) do not come forward out of fear, shame, or mistreatment from law enforcement but I think it’s up to the lesbian community to initiate programs and services geared towards helping ourselves, as a whole, overcome domestic violence. The more we ignore the Purple Elephant in the room, the more we condone it’s existence. Silence = Death.