I Love Her...Now What?!?

Ever hear the saying, “If you want to hear God laugh, tell him what you have planned”?  Or “Be careful what you ask for because you just might get it”? I’m experiencing a combination of the two at this moment. Where do I begin with this story about Lady X.?

We met back in January via a mutual acquaintance. I don’t think either of us was on the hunt for anything more than to get out of the house and have a good conversation with a great group of people…but again be careful what you ask for…Conversation flowed naturally and the chemistry was instant. Lady X is very down to earth, laid back, cultured, educated, sophisticated, sassy, and sexy. She is one of the very few people I am able to be myself around and feel as though she does not have extreme expectations of me. Whenever we hang out we have a great time and it’s always a night to remember. When I take her to events or parties hosted by my friends they all love her and have threatened that I cannot come around unless she is by my side. We are very open with each other about our past and what we are unwilling to accept going forward.

How do I know I love her? …and by the way, the love is mutual…About 2.5 weeks ago things  got weird surrounding a particular situation (which does not warrant full detail here, sorry Loves but too much info is not the best idea right now…maybe later…). Our communication was off/on, hot/cold and coupled with the fact that we had not seen each other. Another trait we both possess is stubbornness. I think we each expected the other to break the ice and fix the problem…or to speak the truth: I f*cking miss you! During that time I was frustrated, having trouble sleeping, and could not stop thinking about her. That is so not me…unless I’m vested in someone and that was/is the case with Lady X. After not speaking and a drastic decision a phone call was made – me to her. It was tense but by the end of it we were laughing and making plans to see each other.

Once we saw each other it was pure bliss…and the make up sex was off the chain! We both admitted (pre-make up sex) that we love each other but don’t want to rush or jinx things. We both have some things in our lives to get in order but she knows where she stands in my heart…

My Mother...Myself...

Tomorrow begins the last Term of my first year of Nursing School and I cannot tell you how happy, yet very astonished, that I am to be crossing this threshold in my Nursing career. I discovered a lot about myself, how I manage stress and perform under extreme pressure.

We had a week off for Spring Break which was a blessing because I was able to spend some time with my Grandmother and family in Pittsburgh. Back in December my Grandmother asked to see me when I have a break from school and I promised her that I would spend part of my Spring Break with her. As much as I would have loved to be somewhere warm and tropical, I have not seen my Grandmother since my Grandfather’s funeral back in 2010. So it was time. My Mother was also on break from her University so she decided to join me in Pittsburgh.

Here’s a little background on my relationship with my Mother: My Mother is White (Russian-Jewish to be exact). I love her dearly, she is my best friend and I am blessed that she is very supportive of me personally and professionally. I am her only child and therefore very spoiled by her. I can (and do) tell her any and everything. She brags about me to her colleagues and students and I brag about her to my instructors and friends. We have always traveled well together and she always asks me to tag along to her national and international conferences (which are all expense paid for us. Perks of being a Dean and her daughter). When it comes to a Mother-Daughter duo, we could not be closer.

BUT this trip I started to really take notice of things about my Mother and myself that I assume were always there but never were crystal clear until now.

My Mother is very hyper. Now don’t get me wrong, my ass can’t sit down at times and sometimes my mind refuses to shut off at night keeping me awake (and causing me to engage in interesting projects i.e. baking cupcakes at 1AM!) but my Mother is extremely anxious and hyper.

My Mother is (or has become) very pretentious and personalizes EVERYTHING. One morning we decided to have brunch at Pamela’s (where President Obama and Vice President Biden have dined during their trips to Pittsburgh – great food!) and passed a canvasser on the street. He asked if we would like to make a donation to the HRC fund. I respectfully declined, however my Mother went on the rant with him about how we were travelers. Ummm what the f*ck does that have to do with anything?!? Ugh!!!!!!!

My Mother is either jealous of her older sister or she does not want me to form any kind of relationship with her older sister. This was the eye opener for me. My Aunt is the Dean of a University and she works long hours, rarely taking time off for herself. This trip was the first time that I got to interact with my Aunt outside of having to take care of dire family issues. Instead of working the entire time, my Aunt took days off to drive my Mother and I around and explore Pittsburgh with us. I got to spend some quality time with my Aunt. We talked, we shopped, we bonded. She made an effort to have family dinner with us and even picked up all the food. I have to admit it was truly a relief to be with her in that way. The last day we went to the museum before going to dinner and while my Aunt was using the ladies room I commented to my Mother how much I have enjoyed spending this quality time with my Aunt and how down to earth and laid back she is. I also told my Mother that I would be coming back to Pittsburgh to spend more time with my Grandmother and my Aunt. I guess my Aunt is a hot button for my Mother because her words to me were: “That’s a very uneducated opinion for you to form. Researchers don’t form a conclusion based on one observation. And she’s not so laid back because she yells at [my Uncle’s name] all the time.” What the f*ck!!!!!!! Did she really say that to me? Of course I told my Mother she was way out of line. I barely spoke to her for the remainder of the trip.

I don’t know if we’re going through another growing pains phase or if I’ve just truly grown up and mellowed out, but I know things are changing between my Mother and myself. I’m seeing a side of her that I don’t completely like and I’m not quite sure how to deal with it at this moment.

In the meantime, my Aunt said she wished I had stayed in Pittsburgh longer so that we could really run around the city. I told her I’d come back when the weather was a little warmer i.e. June/July. She’s looking forward to it and so am I…

Me, Docile?!?

I have officially been on Spring Break since Wednesday at 6PM which means I survived one of the most insanity challenging Terms of my Nursing School career. So why am I not out partying like a Rockstar? Well Mother Nature put a stop to tonight’s festivities which means I am curled up on the sofa with a bottle of wine, my laptop, and my thoughts…

Docile: Ready to accept control
or instruction; Submissive

About a week ago my favorite cousin and I were hanging out just running some errands. She was entertaining me with a story about how some ratchet chick called her at 6AM asking her if she would stop calling her boyfriend (whom just so happens to be my cousins good friend from High School) and then proceeded to call her every hour threatening her and wanting to fight. I cracked up when my cousin relayed how she cursed this girl out. Then she asks me:

“Has this ever happened to you?”

“No! I don’t have dudes chicks calling me with drama.”

“So no woman has ever contacted you or confronted you because she thought you were too close to her girlfriend?

“No! I don’t get into that kind of mess.”

“Well that’s good because you’re too nice and too docile. I can’t see you cursing a bitch out.”

I laughed the entire car ride. My cousin has no idea. I think I am too nice at times especially to the wrong people. But when I’ve had enough, I’ve had enough and it’s not pretty. Of course, when I was much younger more immature if someone wanted to argue I went there – yelling, screaming, cursing, you name it I acted a whole fool and then some. Now I don’t go there with people unless I have to which has been once in a blue moon.

I’m a Cancer. One of our best traits is that we’re very loving, caring, nurturing – translation = People Pleasers. One trait that gets us in trouble is that we internalize things until we explode and then it can be compared to some scene out of Carrie. This is something I am guilty of doing…but only 1/4^th of the Carrie scene. I recently explained to someone that if I’m not vested in someone then it’s very easy for me to HEAR their opinions then walk away from them and the situation with no second thought or regard. I can just simply disappear. But if I’m vested in someone then I take the time to LISTEN to them and communicate.

We are all very complex beings. No two people are alike. And I hardly doubt I am docile. I think I just have a different (maybe even more mature) approach to dealing with people and drama…