Confession: The Best I Ever Had

We weren’t together very long, but what we shared was very significant. We could have been together longer, but circumstances in our lives prevented us from taking our relationship to the next level. She was “the one”, Mommy’s favorite (they share the same birthdate), and she is still a part of my life today…but as a friend. We’ve grown, we’ve changed, and women have come and gone but no matter what she has always been the best I ever had.

I met her on accident one hot summer day in ’03. I was hanging out in Giovanni’s Room, the only Gay/Lesbian bookstore in this city (which reminds me, I should pay them a visit), looking for good read. She was on the hunt for a good erotica novel and asked me for a recommendation. Anything by Tristan Taormino will suffice. A woman who is not afraid of her love of sex is always someone I want to know. We checked out, she paid for my books – a bit aggressive and forward, I like, I like – then we had lunch at a nearby sushi restaurant. She was finishing up medical school at Penn and was considering doing her residency at Johns Hopkins.

First date was fun, second date even better, by the third date tension was rising between us; we decided to go dancing. Now I’m good at sizing up my partner and I believe you can assess how a woman moves in bed by the way she sways her hips on the dance floor. And sway those hips she did. After a few hours of bumping, grinding, and downing shots of Bacardi and Patron we decided to have our own private after party back her place in Queen Village. Inhibitions went out the window, she was the type to go for what she wanted – and did!

I never had to tell her what I liked or what I wanted because she already knew and did it all. She took full control without saying a word. We transitioned from one position to the next and my body responded to her in ways it had never responded to those before her. I’m not one to fake an orgasm – yes there have been occasions where they have been a no show, and no I’m not going to fake one just to spare your ego, step your game up babe – but in this case there was no need to because I had so many, I lost count after ten. This was a late night, early morning session for sure; we finally went to sleep when the sun started to rise.

Now you all are wondering, does one night qualify a person for the title of The Best I Ever Had in the Sex Hall of Fame? No. But when you can deliver on a consistent basis the entire relationship, and once we split and no other woman has ever been able to achieve nothing more than an honorable mention, then you definitely are the Lourdes of my Labia. Who is she? I’ll never tell, but she knows who she is. But if you are ever in the same room with us and you happen to notice the eye action, subtle changes in my body movements, then you know she’s around.

Ex-Factor: "Can't Be Friends"?

Unless you are lucky enough to still be with the first woman you fell in love with, you have an Ex-Factor translation Ex-Girlfriend(s). Ex’s are ex’s for a reason, whether you fucked up or she fucked up, or you both fucked up, there always seems to be that lingering question when it all falls down: Can we be friends? For many the answer is Hell to the Naw (in your Whitney Houston voice) but others can actually have a full fledge friendship with their ex. Being friends with an ex is risky business, and here is why:

Last Time…Breakup Sex that Never Seems to End

Guilty, guilty, guilty! They say breakup sex is the best sex, but there is a reason why breakup sex is just that – BREAKUP SEX! Hooking up with your ex after things have ended can complicate things especially if one of you has started to date someone new. It can tie your emotions and feelings up and in some instances prevent you from moving on from the relationship. I’m guilty of going back for seconds, thirds, fourths, even fifths after things ended. One ex and I had breakup sex for three months after we officially split. It wasn’t something we planned, we just fell into it and after the first few times it just became a habit of convenience. Eventually we stopped but she still held onto feelings for me while I moved on from her.

I’m About to Catch A Case…New Chick on the Block

So your breakup wasn’t so bad, you two have actually managed to maintain a good working friendship. You hang out together, you talk at least two times per week, and you even attend events hosted by your mutual friends. Everything is going well, that is until your new MRS or her new MRS launches and all-out war against your ex. The jealous new chick on the block hates your friendship with your ex, she questions the validity of said friendship, and even demands that you stop being friends with your ex because of her own insecurities. She indirectly picks fights with your ex, and dismisses your ex as being a part of your life. After years of not speaking, K and I developed a friendship. We still had mutual friends but this time we actually spoke to one another when we were in the same room. K has always considered me to be the one that got away so when she started dating M I thought for sure that K would put all of her feelings and energy into making that relationship work. Regardless of what was going on between them, M had it out for me. She did not want me in K’s life and had this preconceived notion that I was her competition. One night we were all out at a lounge, dancing, drinking, laughing and just having a good time. I was standing by the bar with my friend Jenn when M walked by me, nudged me with her shoulder, and muttered “stuck up Bitch”.  Jenn and I looked at each other and decided to let it slide. M walks by us again, this time bumping into me, spilling her drink on me, and muttering “conceited Bitch”. At this point I had had enough. I walked over to K and said “Get your Bitch before I kick her ass from one end of this club to the next.”

We Just Can’t Be Friends…No If’s, And’s, But’s About It

So you busted the windows out her car, she pulled a Waiting to Exhale on all your shit, you sent the police to her home under the guise of distributing narcotics, she crank calls your cell and work number, you egged her house in the middle of the night. Whatever the situation, you two just can’t be friends. There are ex’s that no matter what, we just cannot get past what they have done to do us. They have committed an unforgiveable sin, the ultimate betrayal, and there is just no coming back from that. No amount of apologies, tears, or years can make you allow this person back into your life under any circumstances. It’s a dead and gone situation.

“Everything ain’t for everybody…” But for some ex’s, friendship is where it should have begun and ended.

"There MUST Be Rules!": Migrating from Dating to Relationship

Spring has Sprung and Summer is on FIRE! As Usher says “So many girls that we need champagne...” No doubt my dating life has picked up and I have revamped my thinking on a lot of things.

Let’s face it, when it comes to dating and relationships, things tend to move VERY FAST for Lesbians. I don’t know if it’s fear of losing the woman you are dating to someone else, or the fear of being alone forever that drives Lesbians to jump into a relationship and U-Haul it before getting to know each other better than one or two dates.

When you’re young and naïve – c’mon we’ve all been there, sadly some of us still reside there – you get into things you probably shouldn’t be into out of lack of knowledge or just immature impulse. But when you wise up you tend to navigate dating a lot different than you would before. The average Lesbian goes on two dates with someone before the Declaration of Us is established. I’m not sure what goes down in this obviously post sex conversation, but rules for entering a relationship are met.

 Now I’m curious. What are the rules for going from dating to being in a relationship?

Good, Good, Giving it Up: For some people when they sleep together they are in a relationship. Now this could be a good thing if you really wait and take the time to get to know someone before giving up the cookies, but there are those of you (and you know who you are) who have sex on the first date. Are you then in a relationship after that?

Third Time’s a Charm: There are those who believe in the three date rule before having sex and anything after that is considered to be Girlfriend status. This is more understandable to me because if you are exclusively dating someone this long and you enjoy sleeping together and being together then why not don the GF status with the hope of achieving your MRS.

Lockdown Until Further Notice: Some women have a three date rule, others have a three month or more rule. They want to be sure they are getting involved with the right person so they withhold sex and their heart until they feel they can trust the other person. But this can backfire (and I have seen it happen more times than not) because no one wants to feel like they are jumping through hoops just for the possibility of being rejected anyway. Another scenario is the women who don’t want to give up their Player status so they withhold officially naming one woman as their Girlfriend and refer to them as “My Friend”.

What are my rules? I don’t have any! Why? Because every woman and every situation is different. Some women are fun to date, but horrible in relationships. And if you are lucky you come across the ones you can migrate from dating to a relationship.

Sex Room: Stripping & Pole Dancing

I’ve always admired and respected Strippers since my introduction to the movie The Players Club. I even dated one who worked for Daydreams for three months, although I only really did so just to be able to brag about dating a Stripper, I knew it would never go anywhere. But after delving into Pole Dance class (Got Pole? Located on 3^rd & South has some of the best instructors and classes for only $10.00 for a one hour group lesson) I have a newfound respect for women who drop it, pop it, twerk it, and climb the poles for a living.

One of my best friends is a retired Stripper, yes she hung up the boobs, booty, and pole last June at the age of 29 in favor of settling down and wanting to start a family with her current Mrs. Jen and I met when I was 18 and she had been dancing she was 19 as a form of supplemental income while she was in College and Grad School. Through her I learned all about the behind the scenes world of stripping i.e. house fee, attire requirements, rivalry between dancers, but it wasn’t until I took a Beginners Pole Dance class that I really got a firsthand experience into the art of stripping. Pole Dancing is a workout in itself as it requires you to be able to lift your body weight so you can climb and do different tricks and maneuvers.

Never ever, ever, ever wear lotion or body oils to class or a club. Why? Because you will constantly slide down the pole. If you know you are going to take Pole classes that evening do not apply lotion after you shower. I know, you don’t want to be ashy, but you also don’t want a huge bruise on your ass from hitting the floor. Trust, it hurts and it’s not pretty.

There is actually a method behind the madness of Clear Heels – they help you climb and stick to the Pole. How? The vinyl of the shoes actually is a good sticking agent for your initial climb (short climb) and helps you climb the pole higher for those sexy descends. Any “Stripper Store” i.e. Erogenous Zone or Lady Lord, will have a wide selection of these shoes available. For easier climbing experience buy a pair of calf high or knee high pleather boots.

If you’re going to make Pole Dancing apart of your weekly workout routine then you might as well go all in and purchase Pole Dancing attire. Translation – skimpy tops and booty shorts or costumes from said “Stripper Stores”. Looking the part, even if it is just for fun, always makes the experience more exciting.

Downside? The only problem, and guess this is not so much a problem as it is a Right of Stripper Passage, is the bruising and “Pole Burn”. Sliding down the pole causes major friction and friction leads to bruising. After my first class I had inner arm, inner thighs, outer leg bruises for a week. Believe it or not, real Strippers get bruised when they use the pole all the time. It’s the norm. The good news is once you get used to the Pole and your body strength increases the burn and bruises aren’t as bad.

Think Pole Dancing is just for the Skinny Bitches? Think again! There are plenty Plus Size and Thick Jawns (yes I said Jawns) rocking out on the Pole. Check out this one performance: Temptations Debut to Sex Room

Will I ever turn my workout routine into a Profession? Well in the words of my friend Amanda, “If AES doesn’t stop stalking me for my student loan money I’m going to have a new side hustle.”