La Familia: Dynamics In My Culturally/Social Class Mixed Family

I went to see “Jumping The Broom” about two weeks ago. It’s a great movie, even if the critics don’t think so, and I could actually relate to it as my Mother’s family are like the Watson’s and my Father’s family are like the Taylor’s. How was I raised? Like a Watson for majority of my life, then like a Taylor when I lived with my Father. But I still hold strong to core values from both social classes.

No doubt the movie got me thinking about my life in my own family being that I am openly Lesbian. My family is diverse in more ways than class. My Mother’s family is European and Jewish, my Father’s family is Hispanic and African-American with a religious mix of Catholicism and Baptism. So you can imagine some subtle confusion - There is no Jesus on Friday, but there is a Jesus on Sunday - but it wasn’t as bad as one may think. My Mother’s family was very high class. My Grandfather was one of the corporate attorneys for AT&T, my Grandmother taught Art at Marquette University so Country Clubs, shopping sprees in New York, and vacations overseas were not a foreign concept to them. My Father’s family worked in Healthcare or Contracting. He came from a family of 10 children so they were somewhere above the poverty level and on the lower totem pole of Middle Class. Blue Collar for sure.

Each lifestyle has it positives and draw backs. With my Mother I was exposed to a world of Country Clubs, frequent trips abroad due to invitations for her and my Step-Father to present research, frequent trips to Saks, Nordstrom’s, Bergdorf’s, and homes with pools, jacuzzis, and $100,000 pieces of art work. But I also was exposed to the reality that my Mother’s family is not close. They only see each other or communicate when there is a death or a wedding and even then it’s hard. With my Father’s family there are wonderful gatherings for just about every occasion, I have Aunts who are supportive and extremely helpful when it comes to my nursing studies, and I get to see my Grandparents whenever I want. But my Father’s family are not very worldly. They shun things that are unknown such as foods and new experiences, and they are just living to live instead of having dreams.

So how does me being openly Lesbian fit into all of this? Well, believe it or not, my Mother’s family is more accepting of me being a Lesbian. When I came out to them, although it wasn’t really coming out (I really hate that term, stay tuned for another blog post about it), they wanted to meet my partner, they wanted her to be apart of family functions and would even host family functions just to get to know her. My father’s family on the other hand threw Bible versus at me, and my own Grandmother insulted my partner in front of my face. My Father doesn’t even speak to me about my relationships let alone asks about my love life or my partners.

I have to be honest here, I expected it to be the other way around. I thought my Mother’s family would jump on their “We’re Levine’s and have an image to maintain" approach but surprisingly they have embraced me being openly Lesbian and support whatever decisions I make. Now I’m not saying that Mommy Dearest has liked every women I have dated. She’s still overprotective and neurotic (What do you expect? She’s Jewish!) but she respects me and acknowledges the fact that she will be gaining a daughter instead of losing one. My Father’s family still believes that this is a “phase” or I’m “still getting yourself together” as if this is some tranz to snap out of. I’m a Lesbian. Out. Proud. It is what it is. Get over yourselves.

Sex 101: Things Better Left Unsaid

We’re all adults who have done the do, gotten it in, whatever you want to call it. We’ve experienced it all - the good, the bad, the in between, and the occasional “Really, what the fuck was I thinking?!?” But some of us, you know who you are, need to be reminded of what I like to describe as sex etiquette. You know the things one is never supposed to do let alone say during sex. Let’s review, shall we:

1. “I thought you had the key to the handcuffs…”

I’m not sure which is worse in this situation - having to explain this to a lock smith or the fear of someone walking in on you while you are handcuffed to the bed or other apparatus. Bottom line, know where the main keys, spare keys, and jaws of life are at all times. I would hate to see you on the 6:00 AM news.

2. “Can you keep the moaning, screaming, heavy breathing to a minimum?”

Are you kidding me? This statement is probably one of the fastest ways to take your orgasm from 120 to 0 in two seconds flat. Sex is loud, raunchy, passionate, wild, and sometimes messy. You’re going to have the neighbors know my name moments and the sly “Did you sleep well?” comments from mothers and other family members. I remember one time an ex had her mother and brother stay with us for the weekend. Her mother goes to bed late and gets up early. The next morning we went out to the kitchen to have breakfast.

“Did you girls sleep okay?” her mother asks

“Yeah. But I’m starving.”

“Well after the night you two had I’m sure you worked up quite an appetite”

3. Being Overly Verbal

Miranda from Sex and the City said it best: “Because sex is not a time to chat. In fact, it's one of the few instances in my overly articulated, exceedingly verbal life where it is perfectly appropriate, if not preferable, to shut up. And now suddenly I have to worry about being stumped for conversation? No thank you.” I can understand the naughty comments here and there, but to expect a full fledge conversation or expect your partner to be completely verbal during sex is insane. No, I don’t want to talk about work, answer questions about light bulbs, or even negotiate. I just want to come. End of story.

4. “My ex used to do that a lot better than you…”

Want a quick way to kill someone’s ego and make them feel insecure in bed with you? Compare them to your ex. Sex between two people will never be the same. Yes you may do the same things but the technique is never the same. And I know we all have a person (or two) who has completely rocked our world (stay tuned for my post on the Lordess of My Labia) and will go down in the Sex Hall of Fame as The Best I Ever Had but there is no need to project those expectations on your current partner or you will be partnerless.

5. “Oops! Where did it go?”

This one is where I have heard it all.

"The dildo fell out of the harness" - Use the proper harness and “O” ring,

"The dildo won’t stay inside my girlfriend" - Get a longer length

"It’s hard to 69 in the dark" - Then turn on a damn light! Geez.

"I get neck cramps when I go down on my partner" - Prop her up with a pillow or switch positions

"My partner keeps falling out of the sex swing" - Strap her in tighter!

I love sex, I think it’s a wonderful thing but my motto has always been: Life is too short for bad sex. I don’t do bad sex and I have stopped dating someone because of it.

So what are some of things you would add to list above?

I'm So (Not) Hood

The weather is getting warmer and warmer which means more dating and mingling because lets be honest it’s too damn cold to date in the Winter, and Frosty and Stilettos don’t seem to get along. I don’t discriminate when it comes to love, a woman’s ethnicity is irrelevant to me but I have found that many women of color, more so African-American and Hispanic women discriminate against women like me. What am I referring to? “Black White Girls”, “W.G.I.T’s - White Girl In Training”, and I am sure there are plenty more names to describe the subset of African-American women who’s English is “polished” (speak proper English), love to rock American Eagle, Abercrombie & Finch, Aeropostle, and knows every single lyric to Vanessa Carlton’s “A Thousand Miles” as opposed to Trick Daddy’s “I’m a Thug”.

A while ago, I went on a date with an African-American woman who is an attorney. We were introduced by a mutual friend who thought we would be perfect for one another given an interest in law and neo-feminism. Before our date we had a few telephone conversations in which she commented “You really don’t have a Philly accent.” I shrugged it off as I have been told by many people that I don’t have a Philly/East Coast accent (whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean). We met for dinner at my favorite Indian restaurant, conversation flowed naturally, she inquired about my interest and points of view and I did the same. The next day she texts me to tell me that she enjoyed dinner. I told her that we can do it again if she is interested. Her response: “That’s cool BUT I don’t think we’re a good match. You’re not Black enough for me…” What do you mean I’m not Black enough? Is my complexion not dark enough? My hair not kinky enough? What is Black enough?

“You talk like a White girl…”

I’ve always talked this way, it is what it is

“You’re very comfortable around White people…”

And I should not be because?

“You don’t dress like other Black women…”

Do you mean I don’t dress like a video ho’ or some Ghetto Hot Mess?

“You don’t listen to Rap music…”

Nor do I listen to Heavy Metal or Twangy Country Western

“You don’t use slang or Ebonics…”

I was raised and taught to use proper English, weren’t you?

Just because I choose a style of dress that goes against the status quo in the African-American community and I shy away from using the “N” word or some other Ebonics terminology when I speak, doesn’t mean I am any less in tune with my African-American roots than the next woman. A friend of mine conveyed her dating experience to me recently. She is African-American and only dates Caucasian or Asian women because she feels as though the African-American community has ostracized her because of the way she speaks and carries herself. “Women of other cultures embrace me more than my own people. Yet the same women who make me feel uncomfortable about being me are the same ones who get upset when I have a White or Asian woman on my arm.”

This experience is not uncommon. At the end of the day, I am going to do and be me. I am not going to resort to the status qou behavior just to gain acceptance from a subset of people who believe I should conduct myself in a manner which I have been taught is inappropriate. So what if I talk, dress, act “White”, it has gotten me this far so I must being doing something right.

Maybe, Baby?

These past few months just about everyone I know is either having a baby or getting pregnant. All this baby popping and conceiving made the alarm in my head go off about a question I have been tussling with for a few years now - Give birth? Adopt? Both?

When I was younger, like most girls, I knew I wanted to have a child - a girl for sure. But when I realized I was a Lesbian I knew having a child in the conventional way was out of the question (Sorry Ladies, I am not one to take one for the Team). My only option was a donor. I have to admit the idea of not knowing my child’s father kind of freaked me out a bit. I mean what am I going to tell her when she asks about her father? Oh sweetie your Daddy is donor #19274. What the f**k! I did some research into the AI (Artificial Insemination) process and took on a whole new mentality - I can tailor make my baby! When I searched the donor list I discovered that there were many options to choose from - ethnicity, complexion, hair color, hair texture, eye color, education level (there’s a Graduate Donor’s list of men who have Graduate degrees and beyond), religion, and there is a celebrity look alike category which shows you pictures of the celebrities your potential donor looks like - Umm yes, I will take the Paul Walker look-a-like donor. I know we will make a beautiful daughter together! Don’t be fooled, AI is NOT a cheap process. Just one vial alone cost minimally $545.00 and that DOES NOT include shipping, storage, and insemination via a trained medical professional. And depending on your age and medical history you may need to do more than one insemination so the price triples and quadruples until you conceive.

The process of being pregnant and giving birth is an adventure unto itself, which is one of the reasons why adoption is appealing to me. The path I have set out for myself to complete in this lifetime is going to require me to work odd hours and even travel every 6 weeks during certain times of the year. Add a newborn to the equation and things can get virtually impossible. Having a school age child can make being a Superwoman/Super Mom a lot easier. I’ve always wanted to raise a strong, powerful, intelligent woman, and giving a girl a good home and nothing but unconditional love is something I would love to do. But as eager as I am to change the world one girl at a time, there are still hurdles - no matter how subtle or unspoken they may be - to adopting a Single Lesbian Woman. Many states won’t allow Lesbian couples to adopt children, and they are not to fond of the idea of Single Lesbians adopting children. You have to protect your rights and the rights of your child so you need an attorney on deck who is knowledgeable and understanding. And they don’t come cheap. There are home visit fees, which depending on if you adopt a child in foster care or a newborn can be completed by the State for free or can expect to pay anywhere from $1000-$5000. The good news: You can stick it to Uncle Sam because it’s all tax deductible. Adopting a child comes with a lot of perks, but I think the best one of all is that I can give a child a chance to have a semi-normal life filled with love and acceptance.

I’m definitely going to do both - give birth and adopt a child - but in what order, that is still left to be decided. No matter what road I choose to take first two things are certain: (1) The name of my blog will be changed to Sex and the Single Lesbian Mom, and (2) My child is going to have a wonderful group of people who love them just as much as I do, if not more.