How to Love: Lesson Learned or Instilled at Birth?

Love is one of the most, in my opinion, powerful emotions we possess. As singer Al Green says “love, something that can make you do wrong, do right…” Love can bring out a wide range of other emotions and psychosis. Lately, I’ve been thinking about love (and for the record I am NOT, I repeat I AM NOT in love, hell I’m barely dating) and if knowing how to give and receive love is something we really know how to do. Many claim to know how to love, yet is their way of “loving” someone correct? Does having two parents’ around make you more of a “lover” than not? Is love something we learn from failed relationships?

The more I think about love, the more I realize that – like many others – my vision or version of love probably is not the best in the world. I always knew I never wanted to be unhappy like my parent’s – one is openly unhappy, while the other has been suffering in silence for as long as I’ve been old enough to understand the ins and outs of that marriage. So my solution was to do everything not to be like them. Simple enough, right? Not so much. In trying not to be like my parent’s, I realized that I didn’t have any positive representations of love (or marriage) to mirror. Life’s easy when you know what not to do, but what about when you don’t know what to do?

Some say that a failed relationship is a good way to learn about love, others say it’s a good way to learn about the pains of love. I guess the argument is that with a failed relationship you can evaluate yourself and the people you are attracted to so you can make necessary changes in order to avoid making the same mistakes. But what if you could avoid the failed relationship and the wrong people; can you still learn how to love? Can you still learn how to avoid falling for their type?

For me, learning how and who to love is going to be a lifelong, ongoing process. It’s something I have to free my heart from its trust insecurity restraints long enough to allow me to figure out how to truly love and be in love with the right person. An elder once told me that “love is not about finding the person you want to sleep with for the rest of your life, rather finding the person who you want to fight with for the rest of your lives…”

Is You Is, Is You Ain't?

I was having a very intriguing conversation with a friend about a week ago regarding relationships. We were discussing our past relationships and the effects they have had on us, making us change our views and ways of thinking and interacting with the women we may entertain on dates. If you know me, then you are familiar with my famous statement: “I’m not ready for a relationship!”

But my friend made a very thought provoking statement: No one is ever really ready for a relationship.

The more I think about it, the more I find it hard to disagree with her. What makes you “ready” for a relationship? Some may say that if your heart is open and free – although here is another question within a question, when is your heart truly free? – you can establish a relationship. While others may say that only you know when you are ready for a relationship. But do you follow your heart or your mind? Do you listen have a certain feeling inside? Is lust enough?

Before I abandoned my old ways of thinking, having sex used to signify the beginning of a relationship for me. Sex was viewed as something to be done with someone you are having a monogamous relationship and therefore having sex with a woman I was dating meant we were no longer casual but now exclusive. Because if I was ready to have sex with you, then I was ready to be with only you. Sex no longer has that definition or distinction in my life.

If we are going to go on “feelings” alone to be the catalyst for being ready for a relationship, then I don’t have any. Let me clarify: I have absolutely no “lovey” feelings for the women I go out with. I don’t love them, I don’t hate them, I like spending time with them but that’s all I can. I don’t envision a life with them nor do I have the desire to see them exclusively. Again, I like spending time with them. Nothing more, nothing less. Am I emotionally void? I don’t think so. “When the right person comes along you’ll have all of those cliché lovey dovey feelings inside” Thanks Grandma!

I’ve been told that relationships just happen on their own; it’s something you just fall into without knowledge. I can go with that as I have had a relationship that began that way before. I guess the ultimate factor is what a relationships means to you and maybe use that as an assessment of whether you are ready for a relationship. For most, a relationship is a foundation for marriage or a long term commitment, so having their educational and career on track or out of the way is ideal and makes them relationship ready. But when you’re constantly furthering your education and making career changes, do you put off finding your true love until you feel you have accomplished your dreams?

My answer is this: When you stopping looking for something that’s when things appear. I have learned that the more you trying to search for that one perfect ideal, the more you will feel like you are looking for something that does not exist.

“…Let what you need find you…”

"Fuck You! Pay Me!" - No Business; It's Personal

GOOD GIRLS go to Heaven;
BAD GIRLS go EVERYWHERE 

My loyal readers, I know that I have missed about two weeks (or more) worth of blog material but I assure you that’s not because I don’t have anything to blog about – trust me there will always be something for me to blog about. Truth is I haven’t had the urge to do much writing because I have been caught up in a lot of self-reflection, so I decided to but the business of blogging aside this once and just make this ultra-personal

Those of you who were a part of my life last year know that I went through a break up. Now that’s normal, people break up and I’ve had them before. But this particular break up forced a lot of change within me, forced me to look at things differently especially my views on certain things, and it even made me begin the journey of my dream career.

Since the age of 16 I have been in monogamous relationship after relationship. That’s who I am  - or was – the die-hard monogamist who swore she could never date more than one person at a time because “I can’t juggle, it’s just too much work to devote the amount of time an energy I put into a relationship to more than one person.” It’s funny how things change.

I was always the “Good Girl”, the ultra-supportive, loving, caring, MRS. Type. I desired it all – the house, the kids, the status. But I never got what I wanted or needed. In a way my previous situation was an awakening for me.

It’s like I was always standing on the edge of a cliff that was bound to fall anyway, but instead of waiting around for it to crumble I was pushed over the edge. Now the normal reaction to such a thing is to try to hold onto the edge and regain your place. But not for me. I have no desire to be rescued, no desire to return to that edge, no desire to hang on. I just want to continue to fall and be, and feel free. For the first time in my life I am going to be the “Bad Girl”. I’m going to date as many people I want when I want and how I want, I’m going to flirt unforgivingly with boys with girls with whomever because I love the attention, I’m going to put myself first always, and most importantly I am going to follow my dreams and build an awesome future for myself.

For the first time in my life I feel FREE. You never know how bound you are to a certain role in life, a certain way of thinking, or certain ideals until something forces you to abandon them. So I’m sure the question is will I play the “Bad Girl” role forever? I don’t know. Some call this a phase, but what if this is who I am supposed to be?

Everyone has a breaking point. Drop someone hard enough and eventually they crack.