S.A.D & Me

It’s my favorite time of the year! I love Christmas and Hannukah. My tree is up, decorations properly coordinated, and as I type this I am baking my second batch of cookies. I’ve already watched my two favorite holiday movies – The Family Stone and This Christmas – and plan on watching them again. I truly cannot wait to have a family to do these cool things with on a yearly basis but that dream is in the works and on its way to coming true.

As much as this is my favorite time of year, it’s also a time of year I dread…and have come to dread since my mid-twenties. Once the Fall leaves begin to turn, it starts getting dark at 5PM as though it were 10PM, and the anxious anticipation of the first holiday – Halloween – is upon us something inside me just changes. My tug of war between my love of the holidays and hatred for the potential horrendous snow storms begins to take over my life.

It starts out as insomnia. As much as I’d like to go to bed like a normal human being, my mind won’t shut off the second my head hits the pillow. I could stay up until 3AM, watching movies or just planning like it was nothing. Yet I’d have to be up at 5AM or sometimes 4AM. 

Back then, before I knew what was really going on, I’d just exercise more to make myself tired to the point where all I could do was shower and sleep. It worked…but it didn’t last.

Another year, another season transition and another bout of insomnia to accompany my joy during the holiday season. This time I got a little wiser and asked my doctor for something to help me sleep. She prescribed me Ambien. Life was good. Just pop this pill right before I hop into bed and I’d be out like a light in 15 minutes tops. Mazel Tov! But then we got snow…not a lot of snow but enough that I was confined to the house. And then I discovered another issue – feeling trapped. I know cabin fever is normal when you’ve been cooped up in the house for days on end but this was just one day. I was going stir crazy. I hate the snow as it is now if I wanted to get out and go somewhere it was too much of a hassle. I couldn’t just get up and go. I got depressed. From January until mid-March I was depressed and my insomnia got worse to the point where I doubled up some nights on my Ambien.

Fast Forward to my moment of clarity - January 2014. By now we had enough snow storms that either shut down the city or severely delayed business and school openings. My depression had taken a turn for what I believed to be the worst – instead of being an insomniac, all I wanted to do was sleep. I didn’t give a fuck about school or work. Everyone and everything annoyed me. I barely spoke to anyone and just kept to myself. After seeing my doctor for routine blood work she began to ask me how I was doing. I told her something just doesn’t seem right, like there’s a disconnect and it’s ruining my mood and ability to remain awake. She asked me how long had this been going on and I told her it’s never been this bad, I was always able to manage it – whatever the fuck this was – somehow but now something’s changed.

Seasonal Affective Disorder. That’s my diagnosis. According to my doctor more people suffer from it than we actually know about, yet not many sufferers are being treated for it. Based on my history she believes this is something that has been going on since my twenties and has gotten worse with the recent rash of snow storms that have slammed the Northeast the past few years.

The scariest thing for me was not actually knowing what was going on, but being labeled. I now have a label and a medication regimen I must follow…even if it is for six months out of the year. There’s a stigma associated with mental illness, no matter how mild or severe your issue. If you’re taking psych meds you’re somehow delicate yet incompetent.

 
Am I on my meds now? Yes. Has life gotten easier? Yes. Do I still have the occasional bad day? Oh yes but I’d rather have one or two bad days than one or two bad months…

I Am Not My Hair

Another month long, unintended hiatus has come to an end and I am back at my computer to blog. Life was just crazy from the transmission dying on my Honda to the hassle of getting another car and the issues surrounding it. Add work and classes to the list and you can imagine how crazy my wheels have been spinning. 

This past year I have been thinking a lot about what is best for me and my hair in the long run. I really don’t like sew-ins because it requires a lot of maintenance and upkeep, not to mention spending upwards of $300+ bimonthly. I spent the summer in Senegalese Twist, which were great the first time but after another install I just didn’t like the constant slippage and potential breakage that was happening to my hair. 

I was at a bit of a loss as to what to do next. I know I needed something that was best for my hair over the long haul yet not as time consuming and in favor of my schedule. One day on Facebook, I posted this sexy picture of an African-American woman rocking sexy locs and I was inspired. I made the decision right then and there that I would begin a loc journey.

A friend of mine had Loc Extensions put in a year ago and I have admired her hair so much. She has the freedom that I so desire in terms of maintenance, styling, and just not worrying about her hair getting wet in the rain or the pool. I did my own research on Loc Extensions and found several videos on YouTube and tons of pictures via Google Images. I was in love yet nervous at the same time. It was time for my Senegalese Twist to go and for me to embark on a new, permanent journey with my hair. 

Loc Extensions in a traditional Natural Hair/Loc Specialist Salon run about $500-$1200. My friend paid $800 for hers a year ago. The process takes about 8 hours, about the same amount of time my Senegalese Twist took anyway. I don’t know about you, but there is no way I’m spending that much money on something that I can take out if I decide that I don’t want to loc my hair. And after seeing these videos about how they’re done, I was further convinced that the salon prices were outrages. Check out these videos and let me know what you think.

After finding a reasonable, highly skilled Loctitian, on Wednesday I had my Loc Extensions installed. At first I didn’t like them, I wanted to take them out but after about an hour of playing with them and styling them I calmed down. The next day I got so many compliments from coworkers and random people on the street, and last night all dolled up at my cousin’s birthday party I saw just how beautiful they were. They fit me and I believe this is the best decision I have ever made regarding my hair in a long time.

 
I’m a Loc’d & Loaded Goddess! I love my hair! 

My Decision To Be A Single Mother

A few weeks ago I got the most exciting news from one of my besties – she’s expecting her first child! She’s in her 40’s and always thought about being a mother, possibly foster-adoption, but now that she is pregnant her motherhood dreams have come true. And now my motherhood dreams are once again screaming loudly. 

While I was in Pittsburgh with my Mother earlier this month, we talked a lot about my desire to be a mother and single motherhood. She’s extremely excited about becoming a grandmother as I am her only child so that’s the only way she can become a grandmother. But like everyone else I’ve disclosed my pregnancy and single motherhood plan to, she voiced the concern about me doing this on my own. 

I’ve gotten questions from how I am going to actually get pregnant to how I plan to care for a child on my own. First things first, artificial insemination is just as common as getting knocked up the old fashioned way. I’ve found a donor and will be doing home artificial insemination, and if that doesn’t work I’ll be heading to a fertility center to have IUI’s done. Based on what I’ve been told by my Midwife, my levels are good and I shouldn’t have any issues conceiving as I am health and still have plenty of eggs. 

Why Single Motherhood? I’ve been on plenty of dates and what is lacking is quality. The women I’ve gone out with are just not someone I’d want in my life long term let alone even consider having a family with. I don’t get even get into details about my future plans, outside of expanding my nursing career and while the prospect of a long term relationship seems nice, motherhood is more appealing to me than having someone in my life.

I’m excited about all that motherhood will bring me and my mother. I’m looking forward to holiday traditions, vacations to other countries, watching my Mother be overjoyed with grandmotherhood, and more importantly I will have achieved my ultimate goal in life. Having a child on my own will eliminate that elephant in the room during the dating phase. I can date without wondering about the future, a freedom many cannot say they have.

I have achieved a new peace of mind and I’m ready for all the future is going to bring. Countdown to 2015 is in full effect!

M.I.A: The Current State of Me

I logged onto my Blogger account today and realized that I haven’t written a post since the end of July! Yikes! I could have sworn I posted something in August…or at least in my mind I did. Oops! 

There’s no denying that I’ve been M.I.A but certainly with good reason. I’ve been simply living my life. Work has kept me busy with more and more 12 hour shifts making their way onto my schedule. There are a lot of changes coming down in our Emergency Department and with new changes comes new demands for staffing. Translation: work owns my ass! Most nights I come home, take a shower, and just crash. I rarely have energy for anything else, unless I get my second wind and my friends convince me to venture to an event.

When I’m not at work I’m busy being the hostess with most for my MeetUp group or hosting house parties and game nights for my friends and family. I’m not 100% sure how I find the energy for these things but I do and it’s a great outlet for me. If you don’t know what MeetUp is I suggest you explore some groups in your area. If you’re single it will give you an opportunity to link up with likeminded ladies. 

More recently I spent Labor Day weekend with my Mother’s family in Pittsburgh. I haven’t been there since the last time I wrote about my experience in My Mother, Myself. This experience went a lot better than before. My grandmother turned 90 this year and it was such a joy to celebrate with her. I got the warmest welcome from my Aunt, Uncle, and baby Cousin whom I haven’t seen in years! My Mother has definitely calmed down in terms of her resentment of my closeness with my Aunt and we bonded like we always have – over good food and lots of wine. One thing my cousin and I noticed is that our Mothers are just high strung people. They’re so much alike and we both found ourselves pleading with them to calm down or to stop being so anxious. At least someone in the family shares my pain.

Not much of break since I got back to town as my two advanced Nursing degree classes began yesterday and of course I have multiple assignments due throughout the week so there goes any hope of having much of a life on my days off because it’s back to the school grind.

So that’s the story of my never ending life. In my upcoming post I’ll be shedding some light deeper into my personal life, answering your email questions publicly (yes I do read them), and discussing a touchy subject. Stay tuned and bear with me…

A Dying Breed: The Clair Huxtable Type

The other day I was talking to my friends about the current state of my Singlehood. They know I’m very happy being single and loving the peace and sanity it provides. They also know that I’ve talked to a few people here and there but nothing worth really pursuing. Some called me picky, which I openly admit I am, while others applauded me for my high standards. 

I realized I’m looking for a member of the dying breed – The Clair Huxtable type. If you remember the Cosby Show you had an awesome childhood because that’s when positive portrayals of African-Americans on television outweighed the ratchetness. For those unlucky few who have no idea what I’m referring to here’s a brief synopsis: Clair Olivia Huxtable is the elegantly tough, eloquent, and engaging wife of Cliff, who is known for her relaxed confidence and striking emphasis. Aside from her deep and decorated self-expression, Clair can also be playful and silly. She is an intelligent, classy, and successful businesswoman. A great debater, Clair rarely if ever loses an argument on the show, a testament to her career as an Attorney. She is also highly skilled in areas of recall about facts and dates, which she uses during discussions and debates: in one episode she is shown quoting a passage and even the page number of a book during an appearance at a television roundtable. Clair is bilingual and speaks Spanish. Several episodes also showcased her singing talent. Despite her elegant-styled toughness and strictness, Clair is a very loving mother and wife.

Clair is what I consider to be the epitome of feminism. She’s sexy yet very classy, knows how to speak her mind without getting loud and rowdy. She’s cultured, educated, sophisticated, independent, excellent matriarch and above all a true Lady. When did we get away from this: 

Today, too many chicks are acting like the cast of the Bad Girls Club or would rather emulate the Twerk Team. You can keep that! I want a classy lady with ambition, dreams, college education, career, and Miss Independent. I know she’s among the last of the Mohicans but I’m holding strong to the hope that she will cross my path.

It's Official: I'm 30 & Fabulous

On Friday I turned 30 years old. Yes, the Big 3 0. On Saturday I celebrated 30 years of fabulous with my family and friends at my home in New Jersey. It was a House Party 90’s Throwback Party…that is until we drank too much and the music went more Onyx Strip Club than Throwback. I had a wonderful night and have plenty of alcohol leftover.

How does it feel to be 30? Wiser, content with being single, confident about my future in Nursing, and more sure than anything in this world that motherhood is definitely for me. I’ve learned to truly walk away from family and people who are nothing but negative, and see certain family members for who they are. I’ve learned just how much my friends are truly more like family and have started addressing them as such. 

The most important lesson of them all: true love has it’s own timing, being single is the most freeing feeling in the world, and supporting those that are doing good will come back to you tenfold. 

Happy 30 & Fabulous to me…