This is me: I’m very girly. Hair, makeup, shoes,
accessories, if it’s Glam 9 times out of 10 I already own it. I like Old Navy,
PZI Jeans, Uggs, Forever 21, American Eagle, H&M just to name a few. I’m
well spoken, very articulate, some even say I talk like a White girl (I didn’t know a race had a specific way of
speaking). I love to dine in the suburbs as opposed to your run of the mill
hood establishment, and if I’m craving a night out on the town I prefer a few
well known Gay/Lesbian spots in Center City versus hanging out at Roy’s Comfort
Zone in the heart of North Philadelphia. When it comes to dating I prefer a
fellow Feminine Lesbian.
And here is where our dilemma comes into play. Somewhere
along the lines of Lesbianism within the African-American community someone
ordained that we must continue to conform to the Butch/Stud-Femme style of
dating and relating. Like it’s “unacceptable”
for two Feminine women to date each other, or for two Butch/Stud women to date
each other. And if you do step outside the proverbial box one of you must
always assume a more dominant role. Uh really?!? I don’t think so! I refuse to conform
to some crazy gender roles in my relationships. I want someone who is my
partner, my equal, not someone who thinks there are only certain things I
should be allowed to do because I am Feminine.
I’ve noticed that a lot of the predominately
African-American web based fan pages and websites even play into this
mentality. One I “Like” the other day
posed two questions:
Studs, what can a
Femme do to turn you on?
Femmes, what can a
Stud do to turn you on?
F*cking really?!? What about Femme-Femme or Stud-Stud?
Everyone does not conform to those pairing standards, yet it’s being propagated
that the only kind of pairing that can exist is Butch/Stud-Femme. Is this the
reason why all my long term relationships have been with White women? Yes and
No. I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to date and have a relationship with a fellow
African-American Feminine Lesbian. My problem is that majority of them like to
fall into those Butch/Stud-Femme pairings and sorry Honey but I’m not about to
Butch Up just so you will consider dating me. When I was in relationships with
White women they loved and embraced OUR femininity. They don’t have such strict
standards of pairings; they just let each other be. Now I’m not saying that one
woman cannot be dominant because Bette Porter’s character on The L Word is the
perfect definition of an Alpha Feminine Lesbian (by the way this is sooooooooooooo my type) in a relationship with
another Feminine Lesbian. But one should not have to abandon their femininity
or their Femme identity, or abandon their Butch/Stud identity just to conform
to the “acceptable” standards of dating and relating within the African-American
community.
Interesting. I agree with you about gender roles, but I have to admit the whole stud/stud thing makes me raise an eyebrow...maybe because I've never seen it. I won't even watch a show that displays an overwhelming number of "black" studs. Just something about them turns me off. Now fem/fem is cool. I like it.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure why black lesbians conform to gender roles. I'm turned off by masculinity...I would think it would be the same for other lesbians. However, it's not true! There are some black women who don't think twice about displaying all the negative stereotypes black women hate in black men and there are some black women that love it!
I don't get either.
I'm happy to hear I'm not the only one kind of confused by the strict adherence to the Butch/Stud-Femme relationship dynamics. As I said, I find it to be outdated and detrimental to our progress as a whole, not to mention it looks as though "we" (Lesbians) are trying to mirror a heterosexual relationship dynamic. Yuck! I've seen a Stud-Stud pairing before and it's an interesting dynamic. Anything outside of the proverbial box always sits well with me.
ReplyDeleteI was talking to an associate about this issue and she said in larger cities, stud for stud is not AS taboo.
ReplyDeleteI hail from Little Rock, AR and there, the African-American lesbian community is definitely more into the stud-femme pairings.
I'm more into femme women but I'm not counting studs out either.
My issue is not really with mannerisms, style of dress, etc., it's more about having ambitions, pursuing one's ambitious, and being able to connect with someone on an intellectual level. For some people they may derive more pleasure in conversations about current events, religion, movies, music, etc. That's fine. The problem was finding someone who even wanted to discuss those things.
This is the 2nd posting I've come across in the past few weeks about the lack of femme for femme or stud for stud recognition in the African-American lesbian community.
I'm a big believer in making what you want known. If you live in a big city, maybe you can try to form a Meet Up group or something to try to meet more femme women who are into femme women. I bet you're not as big a minority as you think you are. =)
Thanks for the feedback! I'll look into those ideas. I think Gender Roles have no place in a relationship, but how do we change this mindset within the African-American community?
DeleteSpeaking out can help, just having conversations with our friends. =)
DeleteI think even when we suggest that Fem/Fem is more acceptable than stud/stud we are perpetuating the gender role bias. A lot of us are more comfortable with the political notion of "women loving women" without role identifications. But truth is, some of like what we like. We have a shared personal preference, feminine women. We are not attracted to butch looking women, that's our preference.
ReplyDeleteWhat is incredibly interesting to me is the number of feminine women who have butch/stud ideology. They are not just aggressive fems, their values and beliefs are grounded in some warped fantasy about how women are suppose to think, behave and respond to others. I swear I have been in relationships with more fem women who are FAR MORE BUTCH than I am---in their thinking and values. So the roles are definitely more visible but check out their thinking sometimes.
I am still hoping for a woman who knows who she is and the universe politely guides our footsteps in the same direction.
I so agree with you. I am a femme african canadian woman who prefer to date femme woman. There is noting more appealing to see my femme woman and myself dress in heels and wearing dresses together. I love me my femme woman, but there are hard to find when your are a femme yourself.
ReplyDeleteNow that I have been dating and have been out with a few African-American lesbians I have come to the conclusion that the possibility of having a relationship with an African-American Feminine Lesbian are next to none. The whole Stud-Femme thing does not appeal to me, never has and never will.
DeleteIs the Stud-Femme epidemic prevelant in Canada as it is here in US urban communities? I've been to Montreal tons of times but never really grasped the LGBT community (thats my goal for my next trip)
I wouldn't quit just yet. Check out the L scene in SF Bay Area, Dallas/Houston/Austin, D.C., Florida...they are out there. There are 99 problems related to women in our community, but lacking your type/compatability isn't one of them.
DeleteHi Mocha Lat (like the screen name). I am all for traveling (any excuse to get me out of this hectic city for a week is always a plus in my book). I've been to SF a few times, DC is my favorite day trip spot, Florida is on the list but Texas I have yet to explore so on the list it goes. You got that right re: 99 problems, but I find that when seeking out my type (race aside) I still find that many African-American lesbians are holdng strong to the Stud-Femme pairings rather. So yes there certainly are beautiful, wonderful Feminine African-American lesbians within our community...but some (not all) have yet to evolve past the heterosexual portrait of a couple...
DeleteHey, I think the Alpha femme (your type, as you mentioned) is also known as Aggressive Femme, right? If so, hey, there are plenty out there and in fact, I run into them prob more frequently than studs. Although you don't like the labels, it might help you find what you're looking for. And it is good you know your type. The pairings/labels/roles have me confused about myself and my own type(s). I may never find the answer.
ReplyDeleteYou know the names/labels change often I'm just like "give me a FEMININE lesbian and I'm good" LOL! I use the word Feminine, or Very Girly, or Glamazon a lot because the labels just freaking confuse me!
DeleteHere's my question, and please by all means educate me because this one is the most confusing for me - I would agree with you that an Alpha Femme equates the label Agressvive Femme. No problems or issues there, picture of what she looks like is clear for me. BUT I have come across a lot of women who use that label yet they really are Studs. Has that label/association now been switched to the Stud identification? ...See told you this was confusing. LOL!
Hi my fellow lesbians great to see and from intelligent beautiful expressive womyn. Black femmes sleep on me because i am not your typical hood, gangsta thug type stud who owns a strap on brags about it and cheats n beats on my femme. I am a Proud Nerd and i welcome a intelligent single femme w no kids wants none into my life, lol where are the lez like that? God Bless ladies
ReplyDeleteHey Stephanie! Thanks for reading my blog and for your comment. It's always appreciated. You sound like one of my bestfriends. She's a self identified Nerd/Science Geek. In fact, check out her organizations website: www.astromytholosophy.com...but she encounters femme's who proclaim she isn't manly enough, etc. I think a lot of the confusion comes from Femme's expecting Studs to act like men which creates the dilemma we have within the Lesbian of Color community specifically the African American lesbian community. As for finding a Femme without children, depends on where you are looking but they're out there! Good luck :)
DeleteThanks so much for your reply and awesome words of encouragement!
ReplyDeleteI will visite that website your Nerdy/Geek friend has today, 7-24-13.
See I am not trendy, hip or whatever i am just now finding that you replied to my original comment, lol.
I have to say you are a honey for real and any femme is lucky to be with you.
Oh yeah happy belated birthday too!! I'm 37 and very proud about that on Aug. 4th 2013. Leo the Lion here, the best in the zodiac kingdom, lol. I support Diary of A Black Lesbian also, and soon i will launch my lez blog and join the Lesbian Blog family online. Look out for me ladies!!! Thanks again.
Hi Stephanie!
DeleteI have found my Love and she is an amazing African American Feminine Lesbian. You'll be hearing more about her and us in my upcoming post.
I am looking forward to your blog launch please keep me updated as I would like to showcase/spotlight it here and send some traffic your way :)
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ReplyDeleteI loved reading your thought provoking response to this post. Please repost your views at your leisure :-)
DeleteI can appreciate the honesty but honestly the reality is that there is women who are masculine that aren't interested in women at all and women who are feminine that will only date women so we just have to live with life being what it is and that's diverse. This goes for the men too, some can be feminine and people instantly call them gay but never suspect a masculine man for being gay! We should stop putting our expectations on people but in the same breathe expect to accepted. Much Love and I enjoyed the post!
ReplyDeleteIf it's okay I added you to my Pinterest board Lesbian websites/blogs I like, check it out. Again nice work and keep it up! One serious Black Stud!!!!!!!
http://www.pinterest.com/everythinglesbn/
Thank for taking the time to read and respond to my post. I agree with you 100% I'll definitely check out your pinterest boards. I don't have an account there but I may be persuaded to establish one. Thanks again!
DeleteGender roles are a result of patriarchy. Black lesbians did not invent them. "Butch" existed before ''stud" did.
ReplyDelete