I Do, But I Won't: Part Deux

Summer and Cancer Season are in full effect. The countdown to my Thirty & Fabulous  birthday has begun. A lot has changed in the realm of Gay Marriage since my first post on this subject. More and more states are granting same sex couples the right to legalize their love and union in the eyes of their states. I think it’s a beautiful thing…but it still hasn’t changed my mind about signing papers in my future. 

As I’ve said before, I’m not anti-relationships or anti-commitment. I have no issue being loyal, honest, loving, caring, respectful to the woman I love. A piece of paper is not going to make me (or anyone) stop or start doing those things. Just a fact of life! 

Ceremonies and the Dreadful Dress…if there’s anything I can’t stand with passion about weddings it’s the ceremony and the dresses. I hate wedding dresses! I think they’re overpriced, unnecessary nonsense. How women continue to justify spending hundreds even thousands of dollars on a dress that you’re going to wear for a few hours and never wear again, is mind boggling to me. When you make a commitment to spend your life with someone you’re supposed to be thinking long term/long haul. I’m sure that money could be better spent or better served sitting in a high interest savings account. Ceremonies are always something I believed should be a private event between the couple and two witnesses. Just always felt that way. 

Divorce vs LTC…Remember when that straight people are responsible for the 50% divorce rate statistic memes that were going around? Yeah well the Gay and Lesbian community are contributing to those numbers too…and I’m not just talking a few here and there either. Since same sex marriages have become legalized a lot of Gay and Lesbian couples are jumping the broom. It’s a beautiful thing BUT far too many are doing so just because they can. I cannot begin to tell you how many post I see on Lesbian pages about couples being together for 2 months and one is asking how to propose, or couples who were together for a year, got married and now 3 months into it they’re heading for a divorce. Huh?!? Do people think before they act anymore? Meanwhile you have Gay and Lesbian couples who have been together forever and a day and their relationships are more stable and stronger than any marriage out there – Straight or Gay/Lesbian. 

Legal Protection…or so you think…Same Sex Marriages aren’t federally recognized meaning any state that does not allow same sex marriages can opt not to recognize your union. Marriage has a list of perks, breaks, and benefits attached to it but at the end of the day you still need to sit down with an attorney. People contest things like you would not believe, and there are cases of a same sex couples wishes being overridden by hateful family members even though the couple was married. So instead of spending all that money on a wedding, go sit down with an attorney and put those dollars to better use. That’s my plan! 

I’m a firm believer of never say never (to a certain extent because there are some things I will never do), but I highly doubt I’d ever be okay with signing a marriage license. Now if they invoke an expiration date like your driver’s license (which I believe needs to seriously be considered) then maybe my mind will be more open to the idea. A piece of paper and a ring are not going to make you a better partner  just like a new stethoscope is not going to make you a better Nurse. You have to be your best from day one and make the commitment to be a better person for you and for your partner each and everyday. No piece of paper can give you that.

Where Have All The Good Clubs Gone?

Life has been like the T.I. song “Ball” for me. One party after another, followed by hectic days in the emergency department. And the icing on the cake – tattoo #2 is done and it’s visible. Yes, I have a visible tattoo for the world to see. 

A few weeks ago my lesbian friends and I were talking about our early club hopping days and someone said that Shampoo Nightclub was closed. Before I was old enough to get into any club, Shaft Fridays was officially LGBT night at Shampoo and I always got in..uncarded…and for free. In fact I was such a regular that they put me on the exclusive VIP admissions list. I always had a good time when I was there and met the most interesting gay boys. In fact that’s how my best gay male friend met his partner. Their foam parties and Jacuzzi were always suspect (I just stayed away) but none the less, Shampoo was a staple of the 90’s LGBT party days. 

Early last Fall a staple in the Philly lesbian community closed its doors after 17 years. Sisters Nightclub was the best and only lesbian bar in the city that catered exclusively to the surrounding areas lesbians. Thursday nights were their most popular nights because it was $10 to get in and you got 8 drink tickets, free food buffet, and karaoke. It was the best deal in Center City and they also discounted your parking at the lot nearby. It’s usually $20-$30 to park in Center City, you only paid $10! You can’t find that now if you tried. They also had annual Equality Forum and Pride women’s events, not to mention the holiday celebrations and Sunday brunch. The bartenders were friendly, Fran is still my favorite bouncer ever and she always made a girl feel extra special. Some hated Sisters but if you’re not going out looking for drama you had a great time. 

With our lesbian staple being closed, lesbians only have the gay boys clubs (which are an abundant) to party at which truthfully is a drag (no pun intended). The drinks are watered down and overpriced, the bartenders are rude and act like they don’t want to be bothered by you, even though you’re a paying and good tipping customer. It’s like if you have vagina you’re a second class citizen. Although the gay boys and drag queens are a blast to dance with, sometimes a girl just wants to dance the night away with her fellow lesbians. 

So what’s left? The Stimulus Philly group host monthly parties throughout the year which have become the new lesbian party outlet. They always have an awesome drink special and admissions price. They use two venues – Voyeur and Tabu. The latter is my favorite because it’s a more intimate venue, and Voyeur is a huge industrial club. The drinks are watered down and service is way too slow there, whereas Tabu is always on point. Not to mention that the bartenders always remember my friends and I. Winning! 

Another group that has become a hot party outlet for us is Ladies 2000. They’re a party promo group similar to Stimulus but has been around much longer. They host monthly parties in Cherry Hill, NJ and other places like New Hope, Rehoboth. The crowd is more 30+ , they have $1 drink specials for the first hour, and free food buffet. I’m attending their event this month and look forward to having an awesome time. 

If you want to do more than just party there are Meet Up groups where you can meet and socialize with other lesbians in your area. I’m in a few groups and they keep my calendar packed. 

By the way, PA recently passed the marriage equality bill so yay for my home state. We’ll talk about my views on marriage next post…

Relax, It's Just Sex: Swingers & Adult Playgrounds

Admit it. You’ve thought about it and may have even tried it, or maybe you just feed off the energy from watching it. I’m talking about swingers and adult playgrounds, or sex clubs as many like to call them. I’m a sexually open person, I’ve had threesomes with a partner, been propositioned by couples (lesbian and straight) during my singlehood, and think bondage can be an amazing thing. But there is one world I have only participated in as an observer.

Swingers: also known as partner swapping is a non-monogamous behavior, in which partners in a committed relationship or singles engage in sexual activities with others as a recreational or social activity.

This lifestyle or activity is not without negative connotations. Many critics or uptight prudes infer that swinging is the cause for the high level of STDs, infidelity, and devious behaviors in the world. But truth be told, Swingers are the first ones to ask for diagnostic laboratory paperwork (how many of you ask to see them papers? Right), use all forms of protection, there’s no such thing as cheating because it’s all consensual, and the so called “devious behavior” they refer to falls under BDSM which is a whole other lifestyle and is not exclusive to swinging.

I learned a lot from swinging couples during my visits to adult playgrounds (we’ll talk about that those places soon). They have rules and they are very strict about them being respected. They include who’s allowed to touch, penetrate, or engage with whom, and what kind of sex they’re allowed to engage in. Many of these couples are professionals, they have careers, children, and are respected within in their communities but they prefer to keep their sexual lives private. Which brings me to adult playgrounds aka sex clubs.

Adult Playgrounds are members only clubs where couples and swingers can celebrate and engage in the swinger lifestyle. These clubs host weekly events which require members to either RSVP or purchase tickets to attend. From what I’ve been told by a few couples, they like using this venue for their swing play because they don’t want that energy in their home. I can understand and respect that, in fact I like that way of thinking. The two clubs I’ve been to (yes, I said two!) have very strict rules about allowing single men to join and attend events. From what I’ve heard other clubs do not allow single men to join or attend events ever. Here are some rules common at every club:

1. Cell Phones, Cameras or any recording devices are not allowed into the club or the  parking lot
2. NO sweat suits, jog pants, baseball caps, sports attire, sneakers, work boots, flannel shirts or T-Shirts. You are attending an upscale event, please dress for it!
3. NO TOUCHING WITHOUT ASKING!

Adult Playgrounds are a very high sexual energy experience. As I said, I’ve only observed. I love the sexual energy on the dance floor and being a voyeur while peeking into a few rooms.

If this post has sparked a new curiosity I highly suggest checking out a few websites for the clubs you’d like to attend. Remember they don’t give tours. You either walk in as a member or remain forever curious.

If you’re in the Philly, Jersey, DC area swing by these websites. You can thank me later. 

The Pleasure Garden (Philadelphia)
Role Play (Atlantic City, NJ)
The Crucible (Washington, DC)

And for the swingers ready for a destination adventure there's Hedonism II

 

Women to Watch

Originally this post was supposed to be a showcase of other Lesbian Bloggers but no one submitted their sites so the post must go on. There are a few women who I feel deserve special recognition for their hard work and dedication to their crafts. 

Nandi Tahir of Three Little Birds Tees, in a society where African-American women are struggling to be recognized as an icon of beauty, Nandi has created an entire line of t-shirts dedicated to empowering African-American women. I own several of her tees, my favorite is the Black is Beautiful tee featured. In addition to tees Nandi has 100% authentic African earrings. Nandi is always coming up with new designs so please follow TLB on Facebook and purchase her inspirational tees. This is one purchase you won’t regret. FYI: if you’re local to the Philadelphia area visit her showroom located on 202 Long Lane, Upper Darby, PA

Teroya of Lady Bugs Forever, I’m all about empowering young women especially when there are so many negative examples out there. Teroya is a dear friend, mentor, and inspiration of mine so when she told me she was moving forward with her dream and vision of a non-profit organization to support and empower young women I knew glitter and gold were in the near future. Ladybugs Forever holds dear “the understanding that all young ladies want to feel welcome and wanted. We will give them a place to go forever and always. We will offer continuing career counseling into adulthood. Finding out what each member desires individually, and allowing them to express their goals to their peers and community. Keeping all parents of our members connected with what their daughter holds dear. Honoring the expressed wishes of parents to ensure their trust remains positive. Showing each member how to structure their own goals and follow them in accordance with what they expect for themselves. Closing the communication gaps within home and community by allowing each member to speak freely. Knowing that there may be incidents where our members could express things that are serious in nature, and assisting their family in dealing with that by proper referral. Helping to remind our members that with a positive, respectful approach you can relay any and all feelings properly.” Ladybugs Forever will be expanding with dreams of going nationwide. Donate and support the dream. 

Lesbian Love Advice/Lesbian LoveAdvice Singles, there are thousands of pages for lesbians on Facebook but LLA/LLA Singles are a cut above the rest. Two of the admins are my favorite, they asks relevant questions about dating and relationships, and post members questions for advice. Some admins keep it more interesting than others, but if you’re looking for a good Facebook distraction LLA/LLA Singles is the place to be.

Know other inspirational women we should be watching? Are you a Lesbian blogger with a blog you’d like to share? Submit the info via email at ContactLesbianInTheCity@gmail.com

Shit Lesbians Say, Do & Why Being Single Is A Plus

No this is not some April Fools post (I stopped that b.s. when I was in middle school…and hopefully so did every other grown ass woman) what you’re about to see and read are things I could not make up if you paid me (and trust, my imagination is very wild).

Let’s start here: 

I used to love the Between Women series (Team Winney & Gabby!) and this video, no matter how many times I see it, cracks me the hell up. Why? Because it’s so sad, yet so true! 

Games: As Keith told Shante in Two Can Play That Game: “You play more games than the whole damn NBA.” You’ve heard about them, you’ve seen them, you’ve probably lived them. The yes yes, no no, I don’t know if I’m bisexual or truly a lesbian, I think I’m still in love with my ex, baby daddy/ex-husband drama. If it’s not the games it’s the drama. Why? What happened to being grown ups?!? 

Psycho Control Freaks: Now don’t get me wrong, I love me an Alpha female. I’m a control freak too…but there is clearly a fine line between being assertive and being a psycho. I follow a few Lesbian Pages on Facebook and lately they have been flooded with members questions about their partner being considered disrespectful because she likes a friends pictures on Facebook, or whether or not their partners are allowed to have new friends or friends outside of their relationship, or them being upset because their partner greets their neighbors. Yes, sick shit! So what’s next? Curfew? Picking out your partners clothes? Weekly Allowance? Stalking? Your partner is not your property, pet, or child. You can’t make a grown woman do anything she does not want to do no more than she can make you do what you do not want to do.

Jealousy & Insecurity: They’re like Ebony & Ivory only this is NOT, I repeat NOT PERFECT HARMONY. This video explains it all. If the woman you’re dating or in a relationship with is pulling this Dr. Jeykll/Mr. Hyde mess run in the other direction. Because as Martin says “the shit don’t get any better.” 

Some will criticize Singlehood, saying that we’re always lonely, unhappy, miserable, etc. But I have to admit at this stage in my life I am enjoying it. I go out when I want to, host parties and game nights when I want some company, my career and future are #1 on my list, and most importantly I don’t have to deal with the drama and craziness that seems to be taking over the Lesbian community. I’m open to a loving relationship but I know this mess is not what qualifies a relationship as being healthy. 

So until the right one comes along I’m happily single and loving it…