Here’s the
part you all want to hear – why we broke up! When Mrs. Right and I initially
met and began our relationship I expressed to her my desires for the future
i.e. family, career, etc. Now I knew upfront what I was getting into in regards
to her – divorced, single mother, closeted professionally and somewhat in her
personal life, first long term lesbian relationship. I have never dated a
single mother before and I knew that it would require a lot of patience,
understanding, and learning to navigate additional people in our lives i.e.
ex-husband. Mrs. Right expressed the same interest and acceptance of my desires
for the future, in fact we even started planning things for what would have
been an awesome future together…that is until I quickly learned we were never
on the same page.
Slowly but
surely my Dream Girl turned herself off and away from me. Now I gave her no
reason to do so because not once did I ever pressure or demand anything of her.
In fact, I did everything that one could do to keep that relationship going
strong. She was never neglected, I was always supportive – she wanted to start
her CPA studies, I told her I’d help her study and even offered for us to build
study days into our weekends together. She wanted to go back to school for her Ph.D.
which would require her to potentially cut back her hours at work, I told her
that if this happens when we’re under the same roof then we’ll just make the
necessary financial adjustments and it’ll be fine. I want her to accomplish her
dreams. She considered teaching as an adjunct professor, I told her I’d reach
out to my academic contacts and help her find teaching positions and if she
secured one I had no problem caring for her daughter (which was our daughter)
while she did that. Everything she wanted to do or needed help with I was there
and had her back 100%. Why? Because that’s what you do when you love someone.
Over time
Mrs. Right started to verbalize her fears about our future together. She wasn’t
sure if she wanted to raise another child, she was fearful about how things
would turn out for us. I did my best to ease those fears by explaining to her
that neither of us can predict the future, we just have to go along for the
ride and keep the lines of communication open. She was okay…until she wasn’t
again. This time it was one I could not change. She told me that whenever we’re
together she gets a bad vibe, like something is not right but she can’t
completely describe the feeling. She was turned off by me and from what she has
told me it’s basically the entire relationship. I don’t know how or why because
I’ve done nothing wrong (and she even admits that part)!
And that’s
why I believe I’m doing so well with this. I put my heart and soul into this
relationship. I did something I didn’t think I’d ever be able to do – date a
single mother – and guess what I did it well. From day one I stepped up and
committed myself to her and her daughter and whatever may come from that
situation. Although it was challenging a time or two, I learned how to navigate
a new situation. I gave my all because years
from now she can never look back and say I wasn't honest, I wasn't sincere, I wasn't
true, I wasn't genuine, I wasn't supportive, I wasn't affectionate, I wasn't
dedicated.
Did I gain anything? Yes I did. I
love good kids and her daughter was a wonderful one. I love her dearly but I
learned she was a different level of love for me. How someone so small has the
power to warm my heart and always put a smile on my face is still beyond me. But I loved and cherished every second of it. She's going to be a beautiful lady someday.
Back to the drawing board…Next up, my move to NJ…
was she saying all this while you was wining, dining and sexing her? sure she waasnt. she told you exactly what you wanted to hear to keep you around and cash in on the benefits. she acting like she ain't feeling you because it's time for her to produce on her end of the plan. she'll be back because no one else will check for her bullshit
ReplyDeleteI can really relate to this.
ReplyDeleteI also echo DC Lover's Sentiments.
Coming from a divorced single mothers perspective I can tell you that the one thing we look for in a mate is someone who will accept us and our child as a package deal so I will commend you for doing so with this woman. It is rare you find a mate who is willing to love another man’s child whether they be male or female. Sounds to me like this woman allowed fear to cloud her judgement rather than her running a game on you. I surely hope she would not refer to her child as your daughter and allow you to interact with her daughter to the degree you did if she was not serious about you. That bad vibe she claimed to have was nothing but fear. You know what you want, your life is stable, you are embarking on a new career that will allow you to care for a family. Stuff like that scares people who aren’t ready for what you have to offer. It’s almost like it’s too good to be true. She was so busy looking for a negative that she didn’t allow herself to enjoy the positive. Give her some time and she’ll be back. There’s only so much drinks with friends and your job can fill eventually you want someone to hold you at night. If she don’t come back you are on a good path and someone better is on the way. Remember how others treat us is their karma how we react is our karma. You are at peace for a reason.
ReplyDeleteI think your Miss Right is scared. Your out she's not completely out, you know what you want to do for your career it sounds like she is still trying to figure out her path, you want a family and she got a child and a failed marriage. She probably nervous about failing at marriage again with two kids in the mix. Don't get me wrong you did everything you was supposed to do but I think she need time because you don't go from loving to being repulsed in one night. Let her sort things out and to piggyback off what Glam said she'll make that call or send that text. We don't realize what we got til its gone. Meanwhile stay on track date around if you want and when the time comes again take it slow with her and rebuild trust
ReplyDeleteYou ladies are AWESOMENESS! Thank you for your replies and the advice. I have done all that I can do, I have done exactly what I was supposed to do. It stung for a bit, but I have so much more ahead of me that has a direct effect on my life and future that I can't lose sight of why I started this journey. This is her battle, not mine. I have to keep moving forward and whatever will be shall be. Ultimate Peace! Thanks, Loves :)
ReplyDeleteHi - I recently started following your blog, and I must say I have not been disappointed. I am truly sorry to see that this relationship has ended. You seemed so excited and hopeful and in love. Some people can't handle receiving unconditional love, and that is what it appeared you gave her and her child. I am also very skeptical when it comes to dating women with children. My reasons are kind of selfish, but it still hurts in the end. I like your positive attitude towards it all. It could be numbness and reality hasn't set in, but I do admire the way you are not bad mouthing her and you are only stating facts. I really hope no one else says anything negative about her when replying to this posting about your break up (and any future ones) because you still love this woman deeply. Keep your head up :-)
ReplyDeleteWelcome to the Dollhouse and thanks for following my blog! LOL! Excited, hopeful, and in love - Yes I was! We're all damaged, we're all flawed and that's what makes dating such a challenge because we're seeking someone who love us in spite of our damage and flaws. I always told her that I loved, cared, and did for her the way I did (unconditionally) because I know what it's like not to have that kind of love, care, and support. I was always so excited to see her daughter, she really touched my heart. If we were scheduled to have an outing on a day where I was up at 4am I would forgo my much needed post clinical nap just to make it to our destination and have a blast with them or I'd rush over to their home just to see her before she had to go to her father's. I really loved her.
DeleteIt was nerve wrecking to me in the beginning because I was worried if I was capable to loving someone's child the way I would my own and possibly being a Stepmom. One thing I knew is that I did not ever want to disappoint her so once I committed myself to her mother and our relationship I committed myself to that child as well. Once we started planning things I wanted her to be a part of it, I didn't want any surprises all of a sudden because we weren't planning small stuff!
There's no reason or me to bad her. The love is there but again, this is her own internal war and as much as I tried to be an ally she needs to do what is in her heart and only she knows what that is. She knows where I stand so if she decides to make the call okay, if not it's still okay. I won't hold my breath and I wouldn't expect her to either.
I understand completely.
DeleteHey Miss Lady I've been following your blog for a year now and I am sorry to hear that things did not transpire the way you expected. I must ride the coat tails of the other posters here but add that your former gf was kind of irresponsible in that she should not have allowed you to meet her daughter, referred to her daughter as your daughter, or made any plans for the future with you if she was having those doubts so early on. She should have kept it strictly casual. In all honesty, I don't think she meant what she said about being turned off. She's not ready for what you have to offer and the fact that you have your act together, you're willing to ride out with her, you accept her child as your own, and you are patient and understanding is scaring her because she hasn't figured herself out yet so in her mind it's easier to push you away than to step her game up. She made a mistake and it will dawn on her soon enough. You're a very beautiful young woman so occupy your time. Go on dates but don't completely rule out single mothers all together just because of this one could not accept a good thing. Some of us know when a good one is in our company ;-)
ReplyDeleteThanks for following my blog!
DeleteOne thing that relationship did for me was help me revamp my thinking and put a death sentence to my long standing beliefs and stubbornness about dating a woman with children. It also helped me exercise patience and understanding as this was her first attempt at a long term lesbian relationship. If anything, now I am more open to dating single mothers. I still have my limitations as we all do when it comes to dating.