What Makes a Family

Relationships change you, give you new and interesting perspectives on life, and some even deliver that hard pill to swallow kind of lessons we don’t want but need to learn. I am happy to say that my relationship with Mrs. Right has been nothing but a positive experience all around, and despite everything in my life that is stressing me out she is the one thing that brings me peace, joy, and ultimate happiness.

Another person that makes me happy is my Pumpkin! As I mentioned before, Mrs. Right has a beautiful daughter who turned 8 this July. Before I met my Pumpkin I was excited about her and I spoiled her just as much as I spoiled her Mother. Mrs. Right and I have been doing a lot of planning for our future and she will be a part of my pregnancy journey next year so rightfully I asked her when she planned to talk to my Pumpkin about us. Because lets be real here, we can’t be okay with planning our lives together when her daughter will be a huge part of this relationship. To my surprise Mrs. Right suggested that we have our first family dinner so that my Pumpkin and I could start bonding with each other. Perfection!

The day before our scheduled dinner, I was at work caring for an elderly Italian man who tried to set me up with one of his sons and promised I’d be taken care of for life. I thought it was cute (and the typical encounter I have with male patients who find me to be attractive) so I texted Mrs. Right about the funny experience and her response brought tears to my eyes. She said “tell him your daughter already is…” It stopped me in my tracks, I was literally in the middle of the hall speechless. I read her message again (hey sometimes your eyes can play tricks on you) and the tears filled my eyes. Why? Because for Mrs. Right to speak of me and my Pumpkin in that regard means she’s totally onboard with us being a family. And I know it’s not easy but that’s a big step. So of course I showed my Pumpkin off to my patient.

Our first family dinner was a blast! My Pumpkin and I bonded immediately and I could tell that Mrs. Right was at ease that things were going so smoothly. My Pumpkin is a very smart and very inquisitive. During dinner she asked if we could do a sleepover on Friday since she had a soccer game that I promised to attend on Saturday. Mrs. Right and I worked out the details and our Family Girls Night was fun! I got to assess how Mrs. Right and I would maneuver with kids as a family and everything was perfect!

This entire experience has been a reality moment for me because my thinking and priorities are now adjusted. I no longer desire to work the overnight shift because I’d rather be home with my family. Sometimes I pass up on opportunities to have a night on the town with my friends because I often work on the weekends so my overnights with Mrs. Right have been scattered and I know the value of quality time in a relationship. It’s very important so I give to her what she needs.

I finally have the one thing I have always wanted…a Family…

All Roads Lead to New Jersey

Just when I thought life could not get more hectic, August 5^th hit the scene and it has been a whirlwind of studying, employment orientation, and barely sleeping nights. The shining star in all this madness is my wonderful, loving, supportive girlfriend – Mrs. Right. A supportive mate is hard to come by but she has been nothing short of understanding regarding the demands in my life.

It looks like I have secured my nursing future and one of the best health systems in PA thus eliminating my need to head for the southern border once I have my RN license in hand. Mrs. Right and I have been talking about our future a lot. Yes, I know we’re only almost two months in but we’re definitely on the same page in terms what we want and where we want to go in the future. And quite frankly it’s not like we’re planning on getting married tomorrow, next week, next month, or even next year. We just have a clear direction of where this relationship is going.

I’m over living in Philadelphia and PA in general. I’m watching areas once safe and livable decline into drug and violence infested gang territories. So where do I go? New Jersey! That’s right, the Garden State, the home of the infamous Jersey Shore aka Snookie show. Why New Jersey? For one, Mrs. Right resides there and I spend my weekends with her (unless she comes to Philly to be with me for a weekend). I love to escape from the city and be with her is domestic, peaceful, bliss. The areas I have considered moving to are close enough for me to get back and forth across the bridge to work in Philly without too much of a hassle. When considering the long haul i.e. children, family, etc., New Jersey has some areas with excellent school districts, parks and recreation centers, and affordable homes in safe, clean areas. And my personal favorite – The Vineyards! New Jersey has plenty and I plan to discover them all.

I'm excited about life, I'm excited about my future. The remainder of 2013 will be spent exploring New Jersey and deciding where to move May 2014...

The War Within: Running vs. The Urge to Merge

At 12:01AM I shall be officially begin my Senior Year of my Nursing program. I’m excited, yet very scared. There’s no turning back at this point and failure is not an option. I am 9 months away from my dream career and the beginning of the next chapter in my life. So if my blog posts become sporadic it’s because school is kicking my ass.

So let me tell you about my woman, Mrs. Right. If someone told me to make a list of all the qualities and things your ideal lover would possess, I’d be crossing off 95% of the items when it comes to her. She’s not perfect, which is perfect because I don’t want nor need her to be. Professionally, she is everything I believe a strong, educated, woman should be. She carries herself as a lady should but she’s tough, ambitious, highly intelligent, and knows her stuff. I regularly get to see the softer, loving, affectionate side of her which I absolutely adore. I can’t begin to describe the incredible feelings that flood me when she falls asleep in my arms. A truly priceless moment that I would not pass up for anyone or anything.

I love her…but like my feelings regarding my final year of Nursing School – I’m excited, yet very scared. And thus the war within me has begun.

My friend Nikki says I’m a Runner (and she can say this because she is a self-proclaimed Runner) – “at the first sign of trouble or your mate screwing up, you’re ready to head for the hills.” I’m not exactly like that, more like my fear of things not progressing the way I’d like, or fear of pouring so much of myself into something and someone that only ends in a broken heart causes me to feel like pulling back at times.

On the other side of the war I have this insatiable desire for love and companionship. I think love is a beautiful thing; it’s the most amazing feeling in the world. Building a solid foundation for a long term relationship is part of the joy of loving your mate. As much as I am realistic and prepared for the world of Single Motherhood nothing beats raising a family with the woman you love. There are traditions regarding holidays to establish, birthday celebrations to have, and little league sports games for me to attend in my stilettos and skinny jeans. The Family Life is my ideal life.

How can it be that the one thing you want the most scares you the most? I love Mrs. Right and my goal is for this to work.

I’m just going to fight this internal war one day at a time…

 

Divine 29

I have had some good birthdays to include wild and crazy nights out on the town with strip clubs and strippers, dinners and shots, and some of the best friends a girl could ever ask for. But my 29^th birthday tops them all!

Knowing that my birthday was on a Thursday this year (the 18^th) I decided that I would celebrate the entire weekend (extra bonus with me being off from work that entire weekend as well). My party destinations were Sisters on Thursday night, a Pool Party hosted by the Stimulus Group on Friday night, and Dinner at Tierra Colombiana on Saturday night, today I am regrouping from all the events.

Well Thursday did not go according to plan. My best friend surprised me with a surprise party at her home! I thought I was going to spend that time making cupcakes with my nieces but she got me good. The best gift was that my new love – Mrs. Right – was there! Yes, my love drove all the way from a meeting in Central New Jersey, got stuck is horrific traffic, just to make it in time to surprise me. My best friend even pushed the party time off just so she could be there. Talk about LOVE! I’m still in awe over her being there.

Friday and Saturday night went according to plan. The Pool Party was amazing. We took over someone’s Cabana but having Mrs. Right by my side along with my friends made the night one to remember. If you’re ever in Philly and want the best Paella (aside from Abuela’s) in town I highly suggest the seafood paella at Tierra Colombiana and order a pitcher of Passion Fruit Mojitos.

29 thus far has been the year of new beginnings and changes – I’ve secured my Nursing future, no longer needing to relocate to the South, and the best new beginning of them all is that I have found an incredible woman whom I am falling in love with.

29 truly is Divine!

My New Love Interest

I guess the old saying is true: The moment you stop looking that’s when you find what you’re seeking. Ironically this happened just days after my previous blog post!

Since July 8^th I have been on Cloud 9, All Smiles, and incredibly happy and she – Mrs. Right – is a huge part of the reason why. I have not been this into a woman in a very long time, but I love this feeling and I am going with it. She has changed the game for me in so many ways and again I am along for the ride.

She’s 4 years older than me

She has a wonderful child

Works in Healthcare

Highly Educated

Cultured, Sophisticated, Classy

And the shock factor (for some) – SHE’S AFRICAN AMERICAN!

Told you she changed the game for me. A loving, caring, affectionate, sensual, sexy, intriguing woman is the best pre-birthday gift I could ever receive. 29 is being started right and I am eternally grateful for having her in my life…

I'm Just Not That Into You: My Current Dating Pitfalls

Dating is not easy, and truthfully not my favorite thing in the world. I believe that’s why I was such a serial monogamist for all those years. But none the less, it is a necessary evil if one desires to find Mrs. Right instead of Ms. Right Now.

Back in January I made the decision to start actively participating in the dating arena. My life is on a great path, school is going well, work is going well (and even getting better), I have a wonderful group of friends, and my relationship with my Mother is closer than ever (now that she knows she’ll be getting that one thing she has asked me for in the future). So why not add to it, right? Easier said than done for me.

Lady X and I have been dating on/off since January and as much as I did initially like her and considered embarking into relationship territory I’m glad I waited because I got to see her true colors, indirectly discern the truth about her “situation” and learn that as much as I want to like her a certain way this woman and I could never have the fulfilling relationship that I truly desire. The result: Platonic Friend Zone.

GI Jane is the woman I have been out with twice. Things were going extremely well communication wise. We enjoyed the same things, conversation flowed naturally, and I got to see her in an athletic zone which was pretty cool BUT (yup there’s one) one afternoon while I was out with friends and informed her that we were still attending an event and unfortunately there was no way I was going to make it to an impromptu meeting at a bar she was attending with her friends. I guess that didn’t sit well with her because she hung up and sent me an “Oh Whatever!” text. RED FLAGS! The result: Platonic Friend Zone. Even though she called, apologized, and offered an explanation for her antics – “I was drinking and wanted to see you”, I still can’t see myself being nothing more than friends with her. She presented herself as feminine but when we hang out outside of athletics she’s more on the Soft Stud side – nothing feminine about her dress at all.

Other women and I have been on one date and it never went anywhere. The chemistry wasn’t there, the conversation was lacking, or we just didn’t click on any level at all. All in all, I can honestly say with the women I have been encountering I’m just not that into them…and so my search continues…

You're a Woman, She's a Woman...So Why Are You Calling Her Daddy?

On Sunday many celebrated Father’s Day - I just spent some time with my Grandfather before bailing on my family and heading to my Bestie’s house to spend the remainder of the day with her family – and as I browsed the many post on my Facebook newsfeed I came across several pictures from many Lesbian fan pages with Stud identified women captioned “Best Dad in the World” or “My Children Love Their Daddy.” Huh?!? Now I totally respect a transgender (FTM, MTF) person’s right to be acknowledged as their chosen gender with proper pronouns. I have two MTF friends whom I have known since I was 18 and both Ladies are respected, accepted, and acknowledged as the women they are. But this clearly is not the case with many Stud identified women today.

I’m not a fan of nor do I believe in mimicking heterosexual models of relationships. I think it’s very detrimental and fuels the stereotype that Stud identified lesbians want to be men and Feminine identified lesbians just need a good man. This is hardly the case! What puzzles me is that some Stud identified women will engage in cat calling and street harassment tactics prevalent in the heterosexual male community, they will address other Stud women with the masculine pronoun “Bruh” or use the term “Dude” in reference to another Stud, call women Bitches and Ho’s BUT the second someone treats them like a man they’re ready to cry and scream discrimination or I’m a woman and should be treated as such. Really?!?

And sadly it’s not just some Studs, Feminine women add to this foolish f*ckery too. They’ll refer to or call their partner “My Boyfriend” or “My Husband”. The one thing that gets under my skin is they will make their child(ren) call their partner “Daddy” and/or refer to her as “He/Him”. WTF?!? It’s one thing for you engage in the foolishness, but leave the kid(s) out of it! Just because you’re confused doesn’t mean they should be about something that is so clearly black and white.

Back in May one of my favorite Lesbian pages on Facebook posted a Huffington Post article by Alex Berg entitled: “Move Over, Gaybros: Masculine Privilege Thrives Among Queer Women Too.” The article speaks about how masculine identified women can be compared to heterosexual males based on their actions, speech, etc.

Thoughts…

Computer Love, Part Deux

Sorry for the late hooray moment, but I did complete my first year of Nursing School back on May 23^rd and celebrated with my awesome Divas at Sisters. I got home at 3:30AM rolled out of bed a hungover mess to make it to school on time for my clinical evaluation. Now I’m on summer break and get to reenergize for my Senior year ahead. Wow time really has flown by…

Any who, back to the subject at hand. Online Dating. I still have two active profiles out there, although I did recently meet an incredibly beautiful, smart, fun woman whom I have had the pleasure of spending time with, in fact tomorrow morning we’re going on an Ice Cream for Breakfast date (can you say excited! I value uniqueness)…but I’ll dish a little more about her later...I have to admit that my original go to site (Curve Personals) is very stale these days. Lesson Learned: A good site doesn’t last forever.

A few months ago I was out at a Meetup group happy hour and overheard two members talking about OK Cupid. Being the curious person I am I signed up, completed my profile, uploaded recent pictures and let the good times roll. The beauty of this site is that it’s free! You can email people and respond to their emails without having to pay a single fee. You can see who has stalked (I mean viewed) your profile and even send out broadcast for folks to meet up with you somewhere local and safe. Another cool feature they have is match questions – the more questions your answer the higher your match potential and it even shows you if this person is a good match for a Lover, Friend, or Enemy. Not sure how 100% valid it is but it’s a fun tool. They have a very active member base which is good. The drawback? Incomplete profiles, profiles without pictures (or just bad blurry, I’m hiding from the FBI pictures), and the nosy male who likes checking out lesbian profiles – although I have just discovered a fix to this. They offer you the option for your profile to only be visible to your fellow Lesbians. This is the site where I met G.I. Jane (yeah that nickname suits her for now).

Last night I was on Facebook’s Our Sista Circle page (by the way, if any Lesbians of Color are seeking an online venue to socialize and connect with other Lesbians of Color please join their website and like their Facebook page. This is for Lesbians of Color ONLY and the admin is very serious about keeping it that way. Respect her house.) and a member asked a question about her Craigslist ad. Now aside from finding a job or an apartment, I highly doubt you are going to find anything of substance in the Craigslist personals. But hey if ratchet/trashy is what you go for then so be it. Here is the text she shared from her Craigslist ad:

“Submitted Question for Advice-- So I am a seasonal CL poster (it is how I tend to meet new women offline) and occasionally I get the "helpful" email stating I am asking for way to much. So I want to know, how do the ladies of Our Sista Circle craft a personal ad. I have been told I am far too honest with what I want and who I am (Me: chocolate brown, natural hair, 5K above poverty money, non-smoker, casual drinker, grad student, non driver, chatty, anxious, selfish, over weight, moody, speed talker looking for a calm non-smoking individual that likes to cuddle and make out, no kids nor desire for kids, will allow me to be a human with moods and emotions and the inconstancies that entails, has a firm grasp on their career and what they want to do with the next ten years, owns or rents a place alone, pays their bills regularly, comfortable with a friend that is a lover approach to a relationship, enjoys giving and taking control, likes to plan and co-plan), too controlling in how much time we spend with each other and the money we invest in each other (Call at least once a day to establish a pattern of being in each other's lives, make an attempt to spend one day a week together, any time spent together is without cell phones, that we do not dive in our savings to treat each other, do not do things we can not afford to do on a regular basis.) tend to over think everything (reiterate anxious) and put the idea of love on a pedestal (love is a seed that must be tended daily in its early stages to grow roots until tending becomes a practice like showering.).

I don't want to bankrupt someone for a night on the town nor have someone try to take my last pennies. I am careless with my own cash and do not need encouragement to bring my bank account to zero (It's there until payday right now.).

I want to have someone to call and listen to my lack luster days and talk about fun/boring/political/random/etc things that strike us. I want someone between 26 and 34 years of age so I don't feel like a baby sitter or a indulged child. If only for the summer.”

Now I’m all for honesty but this ad definitely screams find the nearest exit and run for your life! Please, please, please whatever you do use this as a cautionary tale of things NEVER to put into an online profile or personal ad. I guarantee you’ll be single for the rest of your life.

Enabling Parents: F*cked Up Family Dynamics

This post is going to be highly personal, more so than ever before but I need to get this off my chest and out of my head.

Everyone knows that I am my Mother’s only child, but I also have two brothers (26 and 21) from my Father and his Wife. I rarely speak about them (with the exception of my little brother) because I’m not a big fan of the 26 year old and my Father’s Wife…and now more recently my Father.

My Father’s Wife was always verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive towards me growing up. She would call me bitches, put me down constantly, and always accuse me of doing drugs or having sex. I had self-esteem issues all the way into my early 20’s because of this. I swear she is Bipolar and has Borderline Personality Disorder traits. We’ve never been close and truth be told we never will be.

The 26 year old is the one my Father’s Wife should have been accusing of doing drugs and everything under the sun – yet never did say a word. He dropped out of High School, has warrants for his arrest in more than one state, has 5 children by 4 different women, no form of employment, drinks, uses numerous drugs, and like his mother is Bipolar with Borderline Personality Disorder.

The 21 year old is more like me. He’s got his shit together – graduated high school, went to college, and now has a very lucrative job which has enabled him to strike out on his own and purchase his first home.

Growing up with these folks was clearly no walk in the park. Here you have two children who are doing what is asked of them, they are completing their education, they’re not out selling drugs to undercover cops, not throwing tantrums and destroying your home because they can’t have their way, they’re not out there making babies and bills they can’t take care of yet not once have they had the support system they needed. Lucky for me I had my Mother, she has always been my biggest support but my 21 year old brother didn’t have anyone at home, he got his support from his teachers and some Aunts.

My (Passive) Father and his Wife have spent years and years enabling and rewarding the negative behaviors of the 26 year old. They support his kids, they support his drug habits, they allow him to constantly wreak havoc upon their home, they lie to the warrant squad when they show up at 3AM to haul his ass off to jail, they pay for his trips to Florida to visit relatives and hang out on the beach, they drive him everywhere instead of making him use public transportation (yet if he wants his drugs he will find a way to get to his dealer but tell him to find a job and he needs a ride everywhere), and make excuse after excuse for his behaviors.

So when my Father’s Wife’s birthday rolled around a few days ago and no one acknowledged it (I never remember when her birthday is, but I do know my Mother’s is December 17^th), not even the 26 year old who is constantly getting bailed, until my Father proceeded to berate us for it and then has the audacity to question the resentment. You and your Wife breeded this resentment. In my opinion they don’t care about anyone other than the 26 year old and his kids. It’s been obvious for years.

Today my Father said that all of this (referring to how we don’t want to be bothered by him or his Wife) was going to come back on us. Funny thing is that this is their Karma. Treat your good kids’ right and maybe someday they’ll treat you the same…

My Scandal Addiction & Tormentous Love Affair

I’m sure I wasn’t the only one cheering during Thursday’s new episode of Scandal. From Olivia demanding that Fitz “Earn Me!” to Fitz making a declaration to “Watch me earn you.” Some people don’t like the relationship between Liv and Fitz; they have argued that it is daunting, demeaning, disrespectful, etc. But I totally sympathize with them because I’ve been there.

Once upon a time when I was young and oh so naïve (still young but not so naïve anymore) I had a very tormentous love affair with a woman who was a married closeted Lesbian. Her husband knew she was a Lesbian and their marriage (still is) troubled because of it. They never had children…they have an “understanding.” Due to the public nature of her husband’s career she vowed to play the role of “The Good Wife” and remain married instead of being true to herself.

At first things were casual and fun. We’d act like perfect best friends in the public eye and even in front of her husband…then perfect lovers in the privacy of her personal condo. It was never supposed to be so complicated or serious but the inevitable happened – we started falling in love with each other. And that’s when the torment began.

The Yes Yes, No No

I want you, but on my terms

I don’t want you, and I don’t want anyone else to have you

It’s your life there, or your life with me

Wait for me, I promise to leave…just not right now

Let me go!

Keep me by your side

I love you

I hate you!

This went on for about 2 ½ years before they moved away. The telephone conversations became less and less, emails just would not suffice. I think we both got tired of holding onto something that was emotionally destroying us…at least I know I did which is why I made the decision to officially walk away. At first it was hard, she was the first woman I was ever truly in love with, but like all things time is a healer.

While I was watching this scene from Scandal it made me think of her and I, how this would have been our happy ending if she would have just let the clock run out…

 

"Time's up. It's done...unless you don't want me..."

Scandal