Sex 101: Things Better Left Unsaid

We’re all adults who have done the do, gotten it in, whatever you want to call it. We’ve experienced it all - the good, the bad, the in between, and the occasional “Really, what the fuck was I thinking?!?” But some of us, you know who you are, need to be reminded of what I like to describe as sex etiquette. You know the things one is never supposed to do let alone say during sex. Let’s review, shall we:

1. “I thought you had the key to the handcuffs…”

I’m not sure which is worse in this situation - having to explain this to a lock smith or the fear of someone walking in on you while you are handcuffed to the bed or other apparatus. Bottom line, know where the main keys, spare keys, and jaws of life are at all times. I would hate to see you on the 6:00 AM news.

2. “Can you keep the moaning, screaming, heavy breathing to a minimum?”

Are you kidding me? This statement is probably one of the fastest ways to take your orgasm from 120 to 0 in two seconds flat. Sex is loud, raunchy, passionate, wild, and sometimes messy. You’re going to have the neighbors know my name moments and the sly “Did you sleep well?” comments from mothers and other family members. I remember one time an ex had her mother and brother stay with us for the weekend. Her mother goes to bed late and gets up early. The next morning we went out to the kitchen to have breakfast.

“Did you girls sleep okay?” her mother asks

“Yeah. But I’m starving.”

“Well after the night you two had I’m sure you worked up quite an appetite”

3. Being Overly Verbal

Miranda from Sex and the City said it best: “Because sex is not a time to chat. In fact, it's one of the few instances in my overly articulated, exceedingly verbal life where it is perfectly appropriate, if not preferable, to shut up. And now suddenly I have to worry about being stumped for conversation? No thank you.” I can understand the naughty comments here and there, but to expect a full fledge conversation or expect your partner to be completely verbal during sex is insane. No, I don’t want to talk about work, answer questions about light bulbs, or even negotiate. I just want to come. End of story.

4. “My ex used to do that a lot better than you…”

Want a quick way to kill someone’s ego and make them feel insecure in bed with you? Compare them to your ex. Sex between two people will never be the same. Yes you may do the same things but the technique is never the same. And I know we all have a person (or two) who has completely rocked our world (stay tuned for my post on the Lordess of My Labia) and will go down in the Sex Hall of Fame as The Best I Ever Had but there is no need to project those expectations on your current partner or you will be partnerless.

5. “Oops! Where did it go?”

This one is where I have heard it all.

"The dildo fell out of the harness" - Use the proper harness and “O” ring,

"The dildo won’t stay inside my girlfriend" - Get a longer length

"It’s hard to 69 in the dark" - Then turn on a damn light! Geez.

"I get neck cramps when I go down on my partner" - Prop her up with a pillow or switch positions

"My partner keeps falling out of the sex swing" - Strap her in tighter!

I love sex, I think it’s a wonderful thing but my motto has always been: Life is too short for bad sex. I don’t do bad sex and I have stopped dating someone because of it.

So what are some of things you would add to list above?