Single Lady

There’s nowhere to begin other than to just dive right in. Mrs. Right and I are no more. Yesterday officially marked the end of our relationship, although truthfully (and by her own admission) she had checked out on our relationship long before then. The mind boggling thing for me at this moment is why I’m okay about it. Like, when I’ve had break ups in the past it took me some time to get over the heartache. But I’m actually at peace and I think I know why.

Here’s the part you all want to hear – why we broke up! When Mrs. Right and I initially met and began our relationship I expressed to her my desires for the future i.e. family, career, etc. Now I knew upfront what I was getting into in regards to her – divorced, single mother, closeted professionally and somewhat in her personal life, first long term lesbian relationship. I have never dated a single mother before and I knew that it would require a lot of patience, understanding, and learning to navigate additional people in our lives i.e. ex-husband. Mrs. Right expressed the same interest and acceptance of my desires for the future, in fact we even started planning things for what would have been an awesome future together…that is until I quickly learned we were never on the same page.

Slowly but surely my Dream Girl turned herself off and away from me. Now I gave her no reason to do so because not once did I ever pressure or demand anything of her. In fact, I did everything that one could do to keep that relationship going strong. She was never neglected, I was always supportive – she wanted to start her CPA studies, I told her I’d help her study and even offered for us to build study days into our weekends together. She wanted to go back to school for her Ph.D. which would require her to potentially cut back her hours at work, I told her that if this happens when we’re under the same roof then we’ll just make the necessary financial adjustments and it’ll be fine. I want her to accomplish her dreams. She considered teaching as an adjunct professor, I told her I’d reach out to my academic contacts and help her find teaching positions and if she secured one I had no problem caring for her daughter (which was our daughter) while she did that. Everything she wanted to do or needed help with I was there and had her back 100%. Why? Because that’s what you do when you love someone.

Over time Mrs. Right started to verbalize her fears about our future together. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to raise another child, she was fearful about how things would turn out for us. I did my best to ease those fears by explaining to her that neither of us can predict the future, we just have to go along for the ride and keep the lines of communication open. She was okay…until she wasn’t again. This time it was one I could not change. She told me that whenever we’re together she gets a bad vibe, like something is not right but she can’t completely describe the feeling. She was turned off by me and from what she has told me it’s basically the entire relationship. I don’t know how or why because I’ve done nothing wrong (and she even admits that part)!

And that’s why I believe I’m doing so well with this. I put my heart and soul into this relationship. I did something I didn’t think I’d ever be able to do – date a single mother – and guess what I did it well. From day one I stepped up and committed myself to her and her daughter and whatever may come from that situation. Although it was challenging a time or two, I learned how to navigate a new situation. I gave my all because years from now she can never look back and say I wasn't honest, I wasn't sincere, I wasn't true, I wasn't genuine, I wasn't supportive, I wasn't affectionate, I wasn't dedicated.

Did I gain anything? Yes I did. I love good kids and her daughter was a wonderful one. I love her dearly but I learned she was a different level of love for me. How someone so small has the power to warm my heart and always put a smile on my face is still beyond me. But I loved and cherished every second of it. She's going to be a beautiful lady someday.

Back to the drawing board…Next up, my move to NJ…

The (Not So) Great Pretender

Imagine waking up one morning and being told you have to pretend to be someone you’re not from time to time. I’ll admit at first it sounds doable, I mean anyone can handle that! How far-fetched can it really be, right? Hmmmm…Now say you’ve lived your life as a Fashion Designer. It’s who you are, it’s your identity, you live, eat, breath fashion. When people think of you, aside from your fabulous personality and other good traits, they equate you with fashion designing. So as part of your pretending you are told you have to be a Biochemical Engineer. Now you have absolutely no background whatsoever in biochemical engineering, hell you probably didn’t know it was a major in college less know how to actually spell the damn title. Again, it can’t be that bad, right? It’s only from time to time, right? So you start pretending when required of you, you can fake some knowledge here and there, and refrain from talking about fashion for a little while but eventually you desire to be your authentic self. You want to talk about fashion and things related to it, you want to be open and honest about your background in the fashion industry, you want to display your love and passion for fashion because after all everyone else around you gets to be who they are, they don’t have to pretend. But in order for you to be in their presence you are required to pretend so you sit quietly, stifling your voice, your personality, your authentic self, hoping time passes by quickly so you can return to what you have always known and always have been. That is until the next time you are required to pretend.

I’ve been a Lesbian my entire life. I’ve never had any kind of relationship or sexual or intimate nature with a man and I don’t ever intend to do so. Aside from the many titles and roles I hold, I’m a Lesbian. I love being a Lesbian and everything it stands for and everything it encompasses. I love who I am and the only changes I want to make are those that improve who I am as a woman who wants to contribute nothing but good things to this world. I’ve never lived a closeted life unless it was imposed upon me. I spent 4 years of my life with a woman who could not be out because of her CEO position within an organization. It was understandable to a certain extent (if you knew what kind of organization it was you’d get it too), actually quite doable because her family, friends, and service people knew I was her partner. Smooth sailing, we could do this all day everyday, right? Wrong! After six months I started to exhibit what I call side effects of The Great Pretender Game – anxiety, sadness, questioning my own identity. Is it that deep? Yes! Think about it, you have to hide an aspect of yourself, your life, that’s a huge part of you. You live it, breathe it, day in and day out. It’s like the blood circulating through your veins – always apart of you – now you’re intermittently required to deny your partner and be denied when you should be able to do what “normal” couples do and openly discuss and display your love for each other. So I became quiet, I wasn’t my outgoing, talk to, socialize with everybody self. And that’s so not me.

Pretending, for me, is physically, and more so, emotionally draining. And yet I find myself required to do so from time to time in my current relationship. Mrs. Right is not completely out. Her mother and I believe two or three of her friends know that I’m her girlfriend, but to the rest of the world I’m either a casual friend or in the eyes of her daughter a playmate. When you love someone you tend to do things that will make them happy and sometimes things that aren’t your first choice. You do a benefits analysis to see if what your future holds is worth far more than a few misfortunes. It is. But the emotional toll pretending has taken on me is no fun. At the end of the day I just want some understanding, appreciation, and acknowledgment of what I have to go through when I’m not allowed to be myself. Sometimes I just want to shout “Does anyone care what this is doing to me, what I have to go through?!?” I remember when I was working fulltime and attending school fulltime and I was in a relationship. I barely saw my girlfriend and aside from my constant work and school overload, I was always concerned about what my hectic schedule was doing to her because it was forcing her to pick up where I no longer could. I made up for it in other ways and always let her know that I knew this wasn’t easy for her but I’m going to do whatever I can to make things better for her.

Robin Thicke wrote the perfect song for situations like this. “I Don’t How It Feels To Be You” was originally written for Paula because he wanted her to know that he understood what she had to go through in terms of her race, their marriage, and her career….

The Cheating Curve

There may be three blog post this month because this one I just had to get out of my head. Before I get onto my soapbox, Mrs. Right and I are three months in. Again, Happy Anniversary Babe! Some people may say it’s crazy to “celebrate” such a short milestone but this is one of the (many) ways we show each other how important our relationship is to us…and to the world.

Cheating. Let me start by saying that I in no way, shape, or form have ever cheated on anyone I have been in a relationship with, nor do I condone cheating, I don’t accept it in my relationships and I will end my relationship with a Cheater – no if’s, and’s, or but’s about it! OVER! During brunch with Mrs. Right, one of my good friends got the confirmation she had been seeking that her girlfriend of 2.5 years was cheating on her. It really hit home with me because I know exactly how she’s feeling, the exact thoughts that are going through her mind, and I know it will take her a long time to fully trust women again. Been there, done that.

Before anyone gets into a monogamous relationship, I suggest that they have a talk with their partner about cheating – have they ever cheated during a relationship and what do they consider cheating – which reminds me I should have that talk with Mrs. Right ASAP! The definition of cheating varies from person to person. Some say physical intimacy is what defines cheating, some believe in emotional cheating where you are emotionally invested in someone other than your partner, some go as far to say that thinking about having sex with a person other than your partner is cheating.

To me, cheating is any form of physical or emotional intimacy vested in another love interest (whether it be a mutual interest or one sided) outside of your relationship. One thing I have learned is to watch behaviors and listen very carefully, and if nothing else GO WITH YOUR GUT FEELING. If a conversation doesn’t sound right, all of a sudden destinations get changed, new friends that can’t seem to meet you but your partner is always with them or your partner stops giving you information or checking in like they used to and you get a feeling (no matter how hard they try to convince you otherwise) that something is up. It is!

Communication is the easiest, yet the hardest thing for two people to do, but it is essential to any relationship. I don’t understand how hard it is for someone to be an adult, admit that they are no longer feeling their partner and their relationship and move on without the added messiness and drama that cheating brings. I guess some folks just like to have their cake and eat it too.

Not with this woman…

The Business of Getting Pregnant

Nursing 201 is now complete…and I don’t miss it one bit. Nursing School has become a drag. Bitchy classmates, bitchy instructors, and just bitchy people in general. It’s mentally exhausting and I cannot wait for it to be over so I can get on with the next chapter in my life.

The other day on Facebook one of my Lesbian couple friends posted that they were celebrating their daughter’s Creation Day which was the day they went to their doctor and began their insemination/conception journey. As stressed out as I was this made me smile because reality set in that this time next year I’ll be preparing to do the same.

For a long time I debated about adoption first, conception two years post or conception first, adoption maybe. Before my Godmother passed in 2011, during one of our last conversations she asked me to give her a natural born granddaughter (she had three boys and got two grandsons, it’s time for some serious estrogen in the family). I promised I would. (Crossing my fingers) And I will.

Planned pregnancies with no “Penis Partner” (as my Midwife likes to call them) involvement can be expensive. As much as I have willing, very attractive, Asian doctors who would love to make Blasian babies with me. I’m sure they prefer the conventional method of conception. And that is never an option. A vial of sperm from California Cryobank can run you from $550-$750. You have the option of Intracervical Insemination (ICI) and Intrauterine Insemination (IUI). The latter is more expensive yet gives you a better chance at conception because the doctor places the sperm high up in the uterus to practically meet the egg. Cool stuff! If you’re not much of a Fertile Myrtle an HCG Trigger Shot and/or Clomid can cost $50-$150 if your insurance won’t cover them (since they are considered infertility aids most insurances have guidelines for covering them). Your insemination appointment can range from $200-$500. All of this for just one round of insemination. I hope I conceive the first, definitely second time.

So where am I now? A few days ago I went to have some lab work done and my doctor (remembering how much I want a family and my plan for starting one) suggested that I see my Midwife for a “baseline work up”. Basically they can assess where I am health wise in reference to conception, give me tips for increasing my chances of conception and for preparing my body for pregnancy. She also gave me information about a group called Single Mothers by Choice. They provide tons of information and avenues for support via their website.

I know it’s a year away and some people think it’s too soon for me to be so excited. But when you’ve wanted something so bad for so long the journey to get there remains a constant source of motivation. At least for me it has been…

What Makes a Family

Relationships change you, give you new and interesting perspectives on life, and some even deliver that hard pill to swallow kind of lessons we don’t want but need to learn. I am happy to say that my relationship with Mrs. Right has been nothing but a positive experience all around, and despite everything in my life that is stressing me out she is the one thing that brings me peace, joy, and ultimate happiness.

Another person that makes me happy is my Pumpkin! As I mentioned before, Mrs. Right has a beautiful daughter who turned 8 this July. Before I met my Pumpkin I was excited about her and I spoiled her just as much as I spoiled her Mother. Mrs. Right and I have been doing a lot of planning for our future and she will be a part of my pregnancy journey next year so rightfully I asked her when she planned to talk to my Pumpkin about us. Because lets be real here, we can’t be okay with planning our lives together when her daughter will be a huge part of this relationship. To my surprise Mrs. Right suggested that we have our first family dinner so that my Pumpkin and I could start bonding with each other. Perfection!

The day before our scheduled dinner, I was at work caring for an elderly Italian man who tried to set me up with one of his sons and promised I’d be taken care of for life. I thought it was cute (and the typical encounter I have with male patients who find me to be attractive) so I texted Mrs. Right about the funny experience and her response brought tears to my eyes. She said “tell him your daughter already is…” It stopped me in my tracks, I was literally in the middle of the hall speechless. I read her message again (hey sometimes your eyes can play tricks on you) and the tears filled my eyes. Why? Because for Mrs. Right to speak of me and my Pumpkin in that regard means she’s totally onboard with us being a family. And I know it’s not easy but that’s a big step. So of course I showed my Pumpkin off to my patient.

Our first family dinner was a blast! My Pumpkin and I bonded immediately and I could tell that Mrs. Right was at ease that things were going so smoothly. My Pumpkin is a very smart and very inquisitive. During dinner she asked if we could do a sleepover on Friday since she had a soccer game that I promised to attend on Saturday. Mrs. Right and I worked out the details and our Family Girls Night was fun! I got to assess how Mrs. Right and I would maneuver with kids as a family and everything was perfect!

This entire experience has been a reality moment for me because my thinking and priorities are now adjusted. I no longer desire to work the overnight shift because I’d rather be home with my family. Sometimes I pass up on opportunities to have a night on the town with my friends because I often work on the weekends so my overnights with Mrs. Right have been scattered and I know the value of quality time in a relationship. It’s very important so I give to her what she needs.

I finally have the one thing I have always wanted…a Family…

All Roads Lead to New Jersey

Just when I thought life could not get more hectic, August 5^th hit the scene and it has been a whirlwind of studying, employment orientation, and barely sleeping nights. The shining star in all this madness is my wonderful, loving, supportive girlfriend – Mrs. Right. A supportive mate is hard to come by but she has been nothing short of understanding regarding the demands in my life.

It looks like I have secured my nursing future and one of the best health systems in PA thus eliminating my need to head for the southern border once I have my RN license in hand. Mrs. Right and I have been talking about our future a lot. Yes, I know we’re only almost two months in but we’re definitely on the same page in terms what we want and where we want to go in the future. And quite frankly it’s not like we’re planning on getting married tomorrow, next week, next month, or even next year. We just have a clear direction of where this relationship is going.

I’m over living in Philadelphia and PA in general. I’m watching areas once safe and livable decline into drug and violence infested gang territories. So where do I go? New Jersey! That’s right, the Garden State, the home of the infamous Jersey Shore aka Snookie show. Why New Jersey? For one, Mrs. Right resides there and I spend my weekends with her (unless she comes to Philly to be with me for a weekend). I love to escape from the city and be with her is domestic, peaceful, bliss. The areas I have considered moving to are close enough for me to get back and forth across the bridge to work in Philly without too much of a hassle. When considering the long haul i.e. children, family, etc., New Jersey has some areas with excellent school districts, parks and recreation centers, and affordable homes in safe, clean areas. And my personal favorite – The Vineyards! New Jersey has plenty and I plan to discover them all.

I'm excited about life, I'm excited about my future. The remainder of 2013 will be spent exploring New Jersey and deciding where to move May 2014...

The War Within: Running vs. The Urge to Merge

At 12:01AM I shall be officially begin my Senior Year of my Nursing program. I’m excited, yet very scared. There’s no turning back at this point and failure is not an option. I am 9 months away from my dream career and the beginning of the next chapter in my life. So if my blog posts become sporadic it’s because school is kicking my ass.

So let me tell you about my woman, Mrs. Right. If someone told me to make a list of all the qualities and things your ideal lover would possess, I’d be crossing off 95% of the items when it comes to her. She’s not perfect, which is perfect because I don’t want nor need her to be. Professionally, she is everything I believe a strong, educated, woman should be. She carries herself as a lady should but she’s tough, ambitious, highly intelligent, and knows her stuff. I regularly get to see the softer, loving, affectionate side of her which I absolutely adore. I can’t begin to describe the incredible feelings that flood me when she falls asleep in my arms. A truly priceless moment that I would not pass up for anyone or anything.

I love her…but like my feelings regarding my final year of Nursing School – I’m excited, yet very scared. And thus the war within me has begun.

My friend Nikki says I’m a Runner (and she can say this because she is a self-proclaimed Runner) – “at the first sign of trouble or your mate screwing up, you’re ready to head for the hills.” I’m not exactly like that, more like my fear of things not progressing the way I’d like, or fear of pouring so much of myself into something and someone that only ends in a broken heart causes me to feel like pulling back at times.

On the other side of the war I have this insatiable desire for love and companionship. I think love is a beautiful thing; it’s the most amazing feeling in the world. Building a solid foundation for a long term relationship is part of the joy of loving your mate. As much as I am realistic and prepared for the world of Single Motherhood nothing beats raising a family with the woman you love. There are traditions regarding holidays to establish, birthday celebrations to have, and little league sports games for me to attend in my stilettos and skinny jeans. The Family Life is my ideal life.

How can it be that the one thing you want the most scares you the most? I love Mrs. Right and my goal is for this to work.

I’m just going to fight this internal war one day at a time…

 

Divine 29

I have had some good birthdays to include wild and crazy nights out on the town with strip clubs and strippers, dinners and shots, and some of the best friends a girl could ever ask for. But my 29^th birthday tops them all!

Knowing that my birthday was on a Thursday this year (the 18^th) I decided that I would celebrate the entire weekend (extra bonus with me being off from work that entire weekend as well). My party destinations were Sisters on Thursday night, a Pool Party hosted by the Stimulus Group on Friday night, and Dinner at Tierra Colombiana on Saturday night, today I am regrouping from all the events.

Well Thursday did not go according to plan. My best friend surprised me with a surprise party at her home! I thought I was going to spend that time making cupcakes with my nieces but she got me good. The best gift was that my new love – Mrs. Right – was there! Yes, my love drove all the way from a meeting in Central New Jersey, got stuck is horrific traffic, just to make it in time to surprise me. My best friend even pushed the party time off just so she could be there. Talk about LOVE! I’m still in awe over her being there.

Friday and Saturday night went according to plan. The Pool Party was amazing. We took over someone’s Cabana but having Mrs. Right by my side along with my friends made the night one to remember. If you’re ever in Philly and want the best Paella (aside from Abuela’s) in town I highly suggest the seafood paella at Tierra Colombiana and order a pitcher of Passion Fruit Mojitos.

29 thus far has been the year of new beginnings and changes – I’ve secured my Nursing future, no longer needing to relocate to the South, and the best new beginning of them all is that I have found an incredible woman whom I am falling in love with.

29 truly is Divine!

My New Love Interest

I guess the old saying is true: The moment you stop looking that’s when you find what you’re seeking. Ironically this happened just days after my previous blog post!

Since July 8^th I have been on Cloud 9, All Smiles, and incredibly happy and she – Mrs. Right – is a huge part of the reason why. I have not been this into a woman in a very long time, but I love this feeling and I am going with it. She has changed the game for me in so many ways and again I am along for the ride.

She’s 4 years older than me

She has a wonderful child

Works in Healthcare

Highly Educated

Cultured, Sophisticated, Classy

And the shock factor (for some) – SHE’S AFRICAN AMERICAN!

Told you she changed the game for me. A loving, caring, affectionate, sensual, sexy, intriguing woman is the best pre-birthday gift I could ever receive. 29 is being started right and I am eternally grateful for having her in my life…

I'm Just Not That Into You: My Current Dating Pitfalls

Dating is not easy, and truthfully not my favorite thing in the world. I believe that’s why I was such a serial monogamist for all those years. But none the less, it is a necessary evil if one desires to find Mrs. Right instead of Ms. Right Now.

Back in January I made the decision to start actively participating in the dating arena. My life is on a great path, school is going well, work is going well (and even getting better), I have a wonderful group of friends, and my relationship with my Mother is closer than ever (now that she knows she’ll be getting that one thing she has asked me for in the future). So why not add to it, right? Easier said than done for me.

Lady X and I have been dating on/off since January and as much as I did initially like her and considered embarking into relationship territory I’m glad I waited because I got to see her true colors, indirectly discern the truth about her “situation” and learn that as much as I want to like her a certain way this woman and I could never have the fulfilling relationship that I truly desire. The result: Platonic Friend Zone.

GI Jane is the woman I have been out with twice. Things were going extremely well communication wise. We enjoyed the same things, conversation flowed naturally, and I got to see her in an athletic zone which was pretty cool BUT (yup there’s one) one afternoon while I was out with friends and informed her that we were still attending an event and unfortunately there was no way I was going to make it to an impromptu meeting at a bar she was attending with her friends. I guess that didn’t sit well with her because she hung up and sent me an “Oh Whatever!” text. RED FLAGS! The result: Platonic Friend Zone. Even though she called, apologized, and offered an explanation for her antics – “I was drinking and wanted to see you”, I still can’t see myself being nothing more than friends with her. She presented herself as feminine but when we hang out outside of athletics she’s more on the Soft Stud side – nothing feminine about her dress at all.

Other women and I have been on one date and it never went anywhere. The chemistry wasn’t there, the conversation was lacking, or we just didn’t click on any level at all. All in all, I can honestly say with the women I have been encountering I’m just not that into them…and so my search continues…