Let's Talk About Sex

Have you ever looked at someone you used to date and think – “What the f*ck was I thinking?!? Was I drunk (or high) the entire time?!?” A few days ago a friend brought a recent picture of a woman I dated to my attention and all I could think was how unattractive she looks and if she was this unattractive when I dated her. Oh well…

I know I promised to update you on my dating and relating life (and I will, next post) but this is more important at the moment. It’s life changing and could save a life by halting some dangerous behaviors. I work in the Emergency Department of a hospital as a Nurse Extern so I come in contact with a lot of young folks who need guidance and education. One particular patient was a “frequent flyer” for STD treatment. She was a beautiful young woman, about to get out of high school, and according to her so in love with her boyfriend. After noticing how many times she’s been treated in the ED I decided to do some patient education and see why this keeps occurring. Now for me, and most people, sex education is common knowledge and we know what’s out there, how you contract it, and how to avoid it. But since they stopped having sex education in majority schools in this country, a lot of youth today learn about sex via Google, YouTube and their promiscuous friends. Parents aren't talking to their kids like they should either.

I inquired about her sexual activity history and what (if any) forms of protection or contraception she was using. She informed me that she was on the pill and her and her boyfriend did not like to use condoms because “he doesn’t like the way it feels.” She also informed me that she has other sexual partners that her boyfriend does not know about and that’s where the recurrent infections are coming from. I explained to her that birth control is not effective for STD prevention/protection  and that she needs to talk to her boyfriend so that he can get tested and treated as well. Her reaction: “I love him and he don’t need to know about this. I got this under control…” …Two weeks ago our ED Physician diagnosed her with HIV. Not even 21…damn that, not even 18 and her life is almost over.

How many of you discuss STD status with your mate before your first sexual encounter? How many of you go get tested/cleared with your mate? How many of your practice safe sex for/during random encounters? 

There are some lesbians out there who believe we are immune to STDs. I don’t know where that notion came from but just like anyone else we need to protect ourselves. Condoms for strap ons, dental dam (or cling wrap) for oral sex, latex free gloves for digital penetration. In the heat of the moment emotions and hormones are running high but before you dive in have those important conversations. And always, always know your status and the status of your mate. Show them papers baby. 

Stay tuned for the dish on my current dating life…a juicy confession…and talk about swingers and adult playgrounds…

And don’t forget you can reach me via email at ContactLesbianInTheCity@gmail.com

 

Contact Me

Earlier today a friend of mine who reads my blog asked me a question: “How do your readers get in contact with you?” My response was that I have a comments section beneath each blog and if folks want to ask me questions or leave their opinions they are more than welcome to do so.

My Friend: But what if someone doesn’t want to send you a public message? Shouldn’t you have a way for them to asks questions or make suggestions without it being out in the open?

Hmmm…she’s correct! So here it is, an email address dedicated strictly to my readers

 Questions? Advice? Suggestions? Leave them here:
ContactLesbianInTheCity@gmail.com

 

This contact info will also be listed in my profile section as well

My Funny Valentine Weekend

Valentines Day hit the scene on Friday after the east coast was slammed with a heavy dose of snow. Couple that with being single and having your plans change made this Valentines Day weekend more interesting than not. 

Normally, I venture to DC for the annual Valentines Day Punany Poets performance at The Crucible (if you’ve never heard of them or seen them perform I highly suggest you check them out) but the snow ruined that overnight trip idea so one of my good friends and I decided to spend Valentines Day at one of the bars in the Gayborhood. Like me, my friend is a weather whimp so she asked me to reschedule for another day. I told her we’d catch up at my martini soiree this weekend because I was determined not to spend Valentines Day at home. 

My game plan was to grab a bite to eat at Fridays and then head to the movies to see About Last Night (which I still haven’t seen, I’ll tell you why in a minute). One of my cousins decided to join me as she too was single and without plans for Valentines Day. We sat at the bar where there were other singles out celebrating the holiday and preparing to see the movie, mixing, mingling, laughing, eating, drinking. Five Captian Morgan Rum Punch’s later we were still at the bar and had missed the start time for the movie. Oh well, I can always see it one night during the week when I’m bored.

Saturday I worked 12.5 hours in the emergency department. I’m learning how the holiday operate in hospitals, especially the emergency department. I walked into the main hub to trays of cookies, candy, and all things red. Little “love notes” in our mailboxes from the Attending Physicians and conversations about how hectic it was the night before. There’s a high possibility that I’ll be working on Valentines Days so at least I know what to expect

.

And to wind down my weekend I had Sunday brunch with a group of friends at Adelphia Restaurant in Deptford, NJ. I loved it and the bellinis were flowing like water – just the way I like them. We’ll be going back for sure for brunch and an awesome happy hour on Fridays.

My Valentines Day weekend didn’t suck afterall. 

Up next (the topic you really want me to cover) the chronicles of my juggling act, otherwise known as dating life…

Hello 2014

Happy New Year Loves! I’ve been MIA but with good reason. 2014 started off with a mass of technological issues and a massive load of school responsibilities which prevented me from blogging the entire month of January. 

First, my cellphone started acting up. Now mind you it’s time for me upgrade to a newer version of the Samsung Galaxy but between my chargers breaking down (for reasons still unknown to me as they cost me a pretty penny) and my phone shutting itself off whenever it felt like it (another mystery to me as there is absolutely nothing wrong with my phone, it was confirmed by 3 tech guys who know their shit! Ugh!). Three days later, all my cellphone issues are resolved. Cool, I can move on with my crazy, hectic life, right? WRONG! Ugh!!!!

One day while I was working on my clinical paperwork for school my Samsung Ultrabook power cord stopped working i.e. it wouldn’t charge my battery. I had to shutdown my laptop to preserve what little energy my battery had left (of course it drained anyway over the next week) and go on a manhunt for a new power cord. I went to Best Buy, Walmart, Radio Shack, even Target (whom I am avoiding the same way I avoid Jury Duty – like the plague!) and guess what? None of them carry universal power cords that fit my laptop. F*ck My Life!!!!! So I had to go on Amazon and order the right power cord for my laptop…and wait 3-5 days for it to arrive. 

Day 5 my power cord arrives (Yay!!!!!) and of course I have a ton of school work to catch up on at this point so I’m back on my typing grind when I decide to take a break for dinner. I have a mini girl talk session with my Mother while I eat dinner then get my second wind and get back on my typing grind…when my laptop restarts itself (WTF?!?). I’m thinking maybe I forgot to do an update so I don’t freak out…until it says Boot Manager Missing! F*ck!!!!!!! Now I know enough about computers to know to attempt a recovery but it didn’t work. It was time to get a higher level of technical help. I went to a computer pro who told me what I thought – the hard drive is bad and pretty much dead. I agreed to the repair, the price was right, and was promised my laptop in 4 business days (even better). 

The day before my laptop was supposed to be ready I called the computer pro to check on the status of my repair and arrange pick up time. I was informed that the hard drive was delayed and they could not track it so they had no idea when they could begin repair. I asked when I could come retrieve my laptop so that I could have another company complete the repair. Another person gets on the phone and says he was able to track it and it will be in tomorrow and I could pick up my laptop the following day. I gave them a little benefit and told them I’d be calling at 2:00 PM the day it comes in so I can arrange pick up time. Due date arrives, I call and still no hard drive. At this point I’m done so I tell them I’ll be there to retrieve my laptop at 2:00 PM. The guy starts yelling at me, telling me I’m unreasonable and they’re a small business. Ummmm not my problem, give me my property and lets be done with each other. I finally took my laptop to a computer shop in Philly and it was repaired in 3 days, No issues, no hassles, no run around, and better price. 

In the midst of all of this my Obstetrics rotation kicked off so it’s more test, new content, new techniques. I have to admit I love OB. I’m considering it as a specialty area. I passed all my exams and next up is Pediatrics. Not something I am looking for to as I am not good with strangers kids…or parents with a screwed up sense of entitlement. Shoot me now!

As you can see 2014 didn’t start off according to plan but I’ve been decorating my home, going on dates, and just putting things in order for my future. I’ll blog about all that soon.

 
What have you been up to since the new year kicked off?

Endings & New Beginnings

Shouting Happy 57^th Birthday to the best Mother in the world! Part of the reason why I am the woman I am today is because of her unconditional love, care, support. My Mother accepts me for me, no judgment, no shame, no compromise.

As 2013 comes to an end I realized some things in my life are also beginning. I just survived one of the toughest terms of my senior year in Nursing School (although my Final is tomorrow, I could get the bare minimum and still pass the term), I ended my residency in Philadelphia, and I buried some of my long held beliefs and stubbornness in the realm of dating and relationships.

2014 is going to be full of nothing but new beginnings. Over this past weekend I moved into my NJ apartment and I am loving it! I’m close to all my favorite NJ hangouts and I can get wine at midnight any day of the week! I could never do this in Philly thanks to the Pennsyl-prohibition state laws regarding where wine and other “spirits” could be sold and the days/hours those stores are allowed to be open. It resulted in stocking up trips and waiting in long lines at the State Store a day or two before a holiday or using your lunch break to stock up for the trip home because by the time you got off the store was closed. And my tried and true favorite – making a trip to NJ and smuggling wine across the border. Yes, PA is brutal! And I loves my vino.

January 2^nd I hit the ground running to finish my final year of Nursing School so graduation and NCLEX preparations will commence as well as applying for a spot at a BSN program (maybe even considering the BSN-MSN option just to get it out the way). The biggest new beginning in 2014 for me will be saying bye bye to my 20’s and hello to Flirty Thirty! That’s one new beginning I am certainly looking forward to.

So farewell 2013, it's been fun. I learned, I've grown.

2014 please be nothing short of amazingly, wonderfully, kind, loving, and good to me...

Single Lady

There’s nowhere to begin other than to just dive right in. Mrs. Right and I are no more. Yesterday officially marked the end of our relationship, although truthfully (and by her own admission) she had checked out on our relationship long before then. The mind boggling thing for me at this moment is why I’m okay about it. Like, when I’ve had break ups in the past it took me some time to get over the heartache. But I’m actually at peace and I think I know why.

Here’s the part you all want to hear – why we broke up! When Mrs. Right and I initially met and began our relationship I expressed to her my desires for the future i.e. family, career, etc. Now I knew upfront what I was getting into in regards to her – divorced, single mother, closeted professionally and somewhat in her personal life, first long term lesbian relationship. I have never dated a single mother before and I knew that it would require a lot of patience, understanding, and learning to navigate additional people in our lives i.e. ex-husband. Mrs. Right expressed the same interest and acceptance of my desires for the future, in fact we even started planning things for what would have been an awesome future together…that is until I quickly learned we were never on the same page.

Slowly but surely my Dream Girl turned herself off and away from me. Now I gave her no reason to do so because not once did I ever pressure or demand anything of her. In fact, I did everything that one could do to keep that relationship going strong. She was never neglected, I was always supportive – she wanted to start her CPA studies, I told her I’d help her study and even offered for us to build study days into our weekends together. She wanted to go back to school for her Ph.D. which would require her to potentially cut back her hours at work, I told her that if this happens when we’re under the same roof then we’ll just make the necessary financial adjustments and it’ll be fine. I want her to accomplish her dreams. She considered teaching as an adjunct professor, I told her I’d reach out to my academic contacts and help her find teaching positions and if she secured one I had no problem caring for her daughter (which was our daughter) while she did that. Everything she wanted to do or needed help with I was there and had her back 100%. Why? Because that’s what you do when you love someone.

Over time Mrs. Right started to verbalize her fears about our future together. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to raise another child, she was fearful about how things would turn out for us. I did my best to ease those fears by explaining to her that neither of us can predict the future, we just have to go along for the ride and keep the lines of communication open. She was okay…until she wasn’t again. This time it was one I could not change. She told me that whenever we’re together she gets a bad vibe, like something is not right but she can’t completely describe the feeling. She was turned off by me and from what she has told me it’s basically the entire relationship. I don’t know how or why because I’ve done nothing wrong (and she even admits that part)!

And that’s why I believe I’m doing so well with this. I put my heart and soul into this relationship. I did something I didn’t think I’d ever be able to do – date a single mother – and guess what I did it well. From day one I stepped up and committed myself to her and her daughter and whatever may come from that situation. Although it was challenging a time or two, I learned how to navigate a new situation. I gave my all because years from now she can never look back and say I wasn't honest, I wasn't sincere, I wasn't true, I wasn't genuine, I wasn't supportive, I wasn't affectionate, I wasn't dedicated.

Did I gain anything? Yes I did. I love good kids and her daughter was a wonderful one. I love her dearly but I learned she was a different level of love for me. How someone so small has the power to warm my heart and always put a smile on my face is still beyond me. But I loved and cherished every second of it. She's going to be a beautiful lady someday.

Back to the drawing board…Next up, my move to NJ…

The (Not So) Great Pretender

Imagine waking up one morning and being told you have to pretend to be someone you’re not from time to time. I’ll admit at first it sounds doable, I mean anyone can handle that! How far-fetched can it really be, right? Hmmmm…Now say you’ve lived your life as a Fashion Designer. It’s who you are, it’s your identity, you live, eat, breath fashion. When people think of you, aside from your fabulous personality and other good traits, they equate you with fashion designing. So as part of your pretending you are told you have to be a Biochemical Engineer. Now you have absolutely no background whatsoever in biochemical engineering, hell you probably didn’t know it was a major in college less know how to actually spell the damn title. Again, it can’t be that bad, right? It’s only from time to time, right? So you start pretending when required of you, you can fake some knowledge here and there, and refrain from talking about fashion for a little while but eventually you desire to be your authentic self. You want to talk about fashion and things related to it, you want to be open and honest about your background in the fashion industry, you want to display your love and passion for fashion because after all everyone else around you gets to be who they are, they don’t have to pretend. But in order for you to be in their presence you are required to pretend so you sit quietly, stifling your voice, your personality, your authentic self, hoping time passes by quickly so you can return to what you have always known and always have been. That is until the next time you are required to pretend.

I’ve been a Lesbian my entire life. I’ve never had any kind of relationship or sexual or intimate nature with a man and I don’t ever intend to do so. Aside from the many titles and roles I hold, I’m a Lesbian. I love being a Lesbian and everything it stands for and everything it encompasses. I love who I am and the only changes I want to make are those that improve who I am as a woman who wants to contribute nothing but good things to this world. I’ve never lived a closeted life unless it was imposed upon me. I spent 4 years of my life with a woman who could not be out because of her CEO position within an organization. It was understandable to a certain extent (if you knew what kind of organization it was you’d get it too), actually quite doable because her family, friends, and service people knew I was her partner. Smooth sailing, we could do this all day everyday, right? Wrong! After six months I started to exhibit what I call side effects of The Great Pretender Game – anxiety, sadness, questioning my own identity. Is it that deep? Yes! Think about it, you have to hide an aspect of yourself, your life, that’s a huge part of you. You live it, breathe it, day in and day out. It’s like the blood circulating through your veins – always apart of you – now you’re intermittently required to deny your partner and be denied when you should be able to do what “normal” couples do and openly discuss and display your love for each other. So I became quiet, I wasn’t my outgoing, talk to, socialize with everybody self. And that’s so not me.

Pretending, for me, is physically, and more so, emotionally draining. And yet I find myself required to do so from time to time in my current relationship. Mrs. Right is not completely out. Her mother and I believe two or three of her friends know that I’m her girlfriend, but to the rest of the world I’m either a casual friend or in the eyes of her daughter a playmate. When you love someone you tend to do things that will make them happy and sometimes things that aren’t your first choice. You do a benefits analysis to see if what your future holds is worth far more than a few misfortunes. It is. But the emotional toll pretending has taken on me is no fun. At the end of the day I just want some understanding, appreciation, and acknowledgment of what I have to go through when I’m not allowed to be myself. Sometimes I just want to shout “Does anyone care what this is doing to me, what I have to go through?!?” I remember when I was working fulltime and attending school fulltime and I was in a relationship. I barely saw my girlfriend and aside from my constant work and school overload, I was always concerned about what my hectic schedule was doing to her because it was forcing her to pick up where I no longer could. I made up for it in other ways and always let her know that I knew this wasn’t easy for her but I’m going to do whatever I can to make things better for her.

Robin Thicke wrote the perfect song for situations like this. “I Don’t How It Feels To Be You” was originally written for Paula because he wanted her to know that he understood what she had to go through in terms of her race, their marriage, and her career….