I Love The Way You Lie...

DANI & ALICE

A Roberta Munroe Short Film

“If she ever tries to leave again I’ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire…” Sound familiar? For many it’s part of the eerie lyrics to the popular Eminem and Rhianna song, but for an unfortunate few they’re a constant threat from the person they love.

Contrary to popular belief, Domestic Violence is not just a straight thing or heterosexual issue. The rates of domestic violence in lesbian relationships is the same for women in heterosexual relationships, yet lesbian women do not report the incident, file for orders of protection, or press charges at the same rate as women in heterosexual relationships. Why? If you’ve ever been a victim of same sex domestic violence and have tried to take some legal action against your partner, I’m sure you have been met with some skepticism even out right disbelief from the justice system in this city:

“It’s just a simple Lovers quarrel.” But at what point does it become battering?

“Your lover must be very Butch or The man in the relationship.” Actually she’s a petite, feminine, stiletto wearing, lesbian.

“It should be easy for you to leave, it’s not like you’re married.” Single or Married, battered women’s syndrome knows no marital status.

Here is my personal experience: When I was 19 I was dating/living with a woman who, when she had one too many drinks, became very mean, nasty, and violent. One evening, after an argument about her infidelity, I decided to have a night out with my girls. I dressed to the nines, grabbed a credit card, car keys and spent the night restaurant hoping in NY and DC with three of my close friends. Not too long after midnight I got text message from a friend stating: “Your wife is going to fuck you up when you get home.” My response was “I know…” My crime: not answering her calls or text messages.

When I arrived home at 3:00 AM from my night out I knew what to expect - yelling and screaming followed by her grabbing me by my neck and pushing me against the wall. And that’s exactly what happened. Did I call the police? No. Did I press charges? No. But I did leave. She was never going to change, and although some call it subtle abuse, it was going to eventually escalate. Hitting is hitting, and it doesn’t matter if you have easily hidden bruises or if you end up in the emergency room, it’s all unacceptable.

On average, there are more domestic violence support services for women in heterosexual relationships than there are for women in same sex relationships. One of the reasons is because we (myself included) do not come forward out of fear, shame, or mistreatment from law enforcement but I think it’s up to the lesbian community to initiate programs and services geared towards helping ourselves, as a whole, overcome domestic violence. The more we ignore the Purple Elephant in the room, the more we condone it’s existence. Silence = Death.