I Love The Way You Lie...

DANI & ALICE

A Roberta Munroe Short Film

“If she ever tries to leave again I’ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire…” Sound familiar? For many it’s part of the eerie lyrics to the popular Eminem and Rhianna song, but for an unfortunate few they’re a constant threat from the person they love.

Contrary to popular belief, Domestic Violence is not just a straight thing or heterosexual issue. The rates of domestic violence in lesbian relationships is the same for women in heterosexual relationships, yet lesbian women do not report the incident, file for orders of protection, or press charges at the same rate as women in heterosexual relationships. Why? If you’ve ever been a victim of same sex domestic violence and have tried to take some legal action against your partner, I’m sure you have been met with some skepticism even out right disbelief from the justice system in this city:

“It’s just a simple Lovers quarrel.” But at what point does it become battering?

“Your lover must be very Butch or The man in the relationship.” Actually she’s a petite, feminine, stiletto wearing, lesbian.

“It should be easy for you to leave, it’s not like you’re married.” Single or Married, battered women’s syndrome knows no marital status.

Here is my personal experience: When I was 19 I was dating/living with a woman who, when she had one too many drinks, became very mean, nasty, and violent. One evening, after an argument about her infidelity, I decided to have a night out with my girls. I dressed to the nines, grabbed a credit card, car keys and spent the night restaurant hoping in NY and DC with three of my close friends. Not too long after midnight I got text message from a friend stating: “Your wife is going to fuck you up when you get home.” My response was “I know…” My crime: not answering her calls or text messages.

When I arrived home at 3:00 AM from my night out I knew what to expect - yelling and screaming followed by her grabbing me by my neck and pushing me against the wall. And that’s exactly what happened. Did I call the police? No. Did I press charges? No. But I did leave. She was never going to change, and although some call it subtle abuse, it was going to eventually escalate. Hitting is hitting, and it doesn’t matter if you have easily hidden bruises or if you end up in the emergency room, it’s all unacceptable.

On average, there are more domestic violence support services for women in heterosexual relationships than there are for women in same sex relationships. One of the reasons is because we (myself included) do not come forward out of fear, shame, or mistreatment from law enforcement but I think it’s up to the lesbian community to initiate programs and services geared towards helping ourselves, as a whole, overcome domestic violence. The more we ignore the Purple Elephant in the room, the more we condone it’s existence. Silence = Death.

"Does It Matter If She's White?" - Interracial Dating In the Lesbian Community

does it matter if she's white?
does it matter
if sistahs and brothahs
look at me askance
not only cause she's a she
but cause she's white?

does it matter
if dykes of color even think there's something
wrong with me
some auntie Tom
in my soul
some self hate
that must exist
if I would choose
a white woman?
does it matter
if I try to justify
defend
if I point out that
my mother's white
so you see
it's only natural
any relationship I enter into
is necessarily interracial
By Dajenya

Dating and relating in the Lesbian community is hard enough with trying to navigate the outside negativity from society, family, even friends to finding your “type” - a woman who fulfills numbers 1-20 on your ILM (Ideal Lesbian Mate) checklist, but add the backlash from your fellow Lesbians to the mix and you have one hell of a reason to never want to date again!

Those of you who know me know that all of my relationships have been with women who identify as (or can pass for) Caucasian - by circumstance, not by preference. It’s disturbing within a community that is already discriminated against because of who we choose to have sex with, is so eager to discriminate against ourselves because of something as superficial as the color of ones skin. And it’s not just one sided. I’ve had African-American women accuse me of having a “color complex” or not “loving yourself enough” just because my lover is Caucasian. I remember one incident that occurred when my then girlfriend and I went to Phase in DC.

She was at the bar ordering our drinks while I watched a group of African-American women shoot pool. The women proceeded to flirt with me and strike up a conversation. One of them asked if I was single and before I could answer “No” my girlfriend came over to clarify if I wanted Patron Silver or Cuervo Silver (when in doubt bring me two shots of each!). She kissed me and that’s when the expressions on their faces changed and the conversation went from hot to cold. “I see that’s how you get down,” and “No wonder you talk all proper, you got a White chick on your arm.” Little did they know that the color of my girlfriends skin had nothing to do with the fact that I was raised to speak proper English and have been speaking this way since I was old enough to speak. And the fact that I chose to “get down” with this particular woman had nothing to do with her being Caucasian but with the fact that she and I had more in common than anyone I had been on dates with at the time - African American, Caucasian, Hispanic, Mixed.

Now I could be the proverbial Bitch, and throw around the fact that my mother is Caucasian and therefore it doesn’t matter whom I have a relationship with because I am never going to completely fit into the ethnic background of my lover, but is that really necessary or anyone’s business? I highly doubt it would make a difference.

My friends have told me stories of how they have come across Caucasian women who when asked out on a date have said “Sorry, I don’t date Black women.” WTF?!? I can understand someone saying they don’t tall women, short women, skinny women, obese women, etc but to sit there and eliminate a group of women from your dating prospects just because of the color of their skin is shallow and crazy. Stuff like this reminds me of the old “Brown Paper Bag Test” - if you’re lighter than this brown bag then I can take you home to Mommy & Daddy.

The Anti-Miscegenation Laws were deemed unconstitutional by the US Supreme Court in 1967 with the case of Loving v. Virginia. “To deny this fundamental freedom on so unsupportable a basis as the racial classifications embodied in these statutes, classifications so directly subversive of the principle of equality at the heart of the Fourteenth Amendment, is surely to deprive all the State's citizens of liberty without due process of law. The Fourteenth Amendment requires that the freedom of choice to marry not be restricted by invidious racial discrimination. Under our Constitution, the freedom to marry, or not marry, a person of another race resides with the individual and cannot be infringed by the State.”

In a time when the LGBT community is fighting for the right to legally marry their partners, it’s mind boggling as to why we, as a community, continue to impose and uphold discriminatory practices that only set us back, not forward.