Pro Lover - Casual Sex Revamped

Once upon a time I was one of those women who swore she would never have a one night stand, let alone casual sex. I had old fashion values when it comes to love and relationships and sex was always reserved for the relationship. Now I still won’t have a one night stand, but my thinking towards casual sex has changed.

It wasn’t until last summer that I delved into the arena of NSA sex. The woman, whom I will refer to as DS, and I went on a few dates and were very open and honest about what was going on in our lives at the moment. She was in the process of moving, making major life changing decisions about her career, and still had some lingering ex-factor issues. I, on the other hand, had taken on more responsibilities at work, was in the middle of my nursing studies, and also dealing with some lingering ex-factor issues. DS and I loved spending time together, loved sleeping together, but neither of us had the time (or desire at the moment) to get into a formal relationship. So we did it, literally and figuratively, we started a relationship based strictly on sex.

One of us would call or text - “Can I see you tonight?”, “What are you doing for lunch?” - and just like that we were together. If one of us needs a “date” for a work of formal function we ask the other to accompany us, outside of those rare occasions it’s a strictly sexual encounter. We follow the unspoken rules: don’t ask, don’t tell, no jealously, no drama, no expectations of fidelity. We have both agreed that if one of us finds someone we want to have a formal relationship with then out of respect for the other person our casual encounters must end.

Now just because I have revamped my thinking about casual sex doesn’t mean that I am totally against the idea of a formal relationship. I’m happily single but should the right woman come along I will gladly only give myself to her. But until then NSA casual sex will do.

I Do (Support Gay Marriage), But I Won't (Ever Get Married)

I know, I know, I know, this is a shocker to most of you. But YES, I’m a Lesbian who DOES NOT want to get married. HOWEVER, I do support the right for other members of the LGBT community to do so.

I’ve been in plenty of weddings and been to more than I can remember. I think they are a beautiful thing yet a lot of work for just one day. But it’s just not for me.

My mentality has always been that I don’t need a piece of paper or a ring (although it is a beautiful show piece - Look ya’ll, my ring had a baby! Toni Childs Insider) to make me be faithful and committed to my partner for the rest of my life. A marriage license does not guarantee fidelity or shield you against other issues that could be the cause of demise in your relationship. Let’s face it, if someone is going to be unfaithful a piece of paper is not going to stop them nor is it going to prevent an inevitable break up.

Ceremonies: The more I attend them the more I am certain that they, like the initial proposal, should be a private affair. A lot of couples write their own vows, a personal love letter to their wife to be, and they are spoken before hundreds of witnesses. Some may think it’s romantic to express your love in front of family and friends, but I equate it to the love I’d express to her via a personal email, a card, or text message. I’m sure I would never share a sexting message with hundreds of family and friends, so it makes no sense to share something that’s just as intimate.

So what am I willing to do? Have a big kick ass party to celebrate finding the love of my life and committing ourselves to each other forever. Some will argue that’s what a wedding is all about. But there will be no marriage license to sign, no ordained BFF officiating a ceremony, reading of vows, gowns, or the exchanging of rings. Just us two and an intimate group of family and friends who we hope will help us celebrate our love for many years to come.


I Love The Way You Lie...

DANI & ALICE

A Roberta Munroe Short Film

“If she ever tries to leave again I’ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire…” Sound familiar? For many it’s part of the eerie lyrics to the popular Eminem and Rhianna song, but for an unfortunate few they’re a constant threat from the person they love.

Contrary to popular belief, Domestic Violence is not just a straight thing or heterosexual issue. The rates of domestic violence in lesbian relationships is the same for women in heterosexual relationships, yet lesbian women do not report the incident, file for orders of protection, or press charges at the same rate as women in heterosexual relationships. Why? If you’ve ever been a victim of same sex domestic violence and have tried to take some legal action against your partner, I’m sure you have been met with some skepticism even out right disbelief from the justice system in this city:

“It’s just a simple Lovers quarrel.” But at what point does it become battering?

“Your lover must be very Butch or The man in the relationship.” Actually she’s a petite, feminine, stiletto wearing, lesbian.

“It should be easy for you to leave, it’s not like you’re married.” Single or Married, battered women’s syndrome knows no marital status.

Here is my personal experience: When I was 19 I was dating/living with a woman who, when she had one too many drinks, became very mean, nasty, and violent. One evening, after an argument about her infidelity, I decided to have a night out with my girls. I dressed to the nines, grabbed a credit card, car keys and spent the night restaurant hoping in NY and DC with three of my close friends. Not too long after midnight I got text message from a friend stating: “Your wife is going to fuck you up when you get home.” My response was “I know…” My crime: not answering her calls or text messages.

When I arrived home at 3:00 AM from my night out I knew what to expect - yelling and screaming followed by her grabbing me by my neck and pushing me against the wall. And that’s exactly what happened. Did I call the police? No. Did I press charges? No. But I did leave. She was never going to change, and although some call it subtle abuse, it was going to eventually escalate. Hitting is hitting, and it doesn’t matter if you have easily hidden bruises or if you end up in the emergency room, it’s all unacceptable.

On average, there are more domestic violence support services for women in heterosexual relationships than there are for women in same sex relationships. One of the reasons is because we (myself included) do not come forward out of fear, shame, or mistreatment from law enforcement but I think it’s up to the lesbian community to initiate programs and services geared towards helping ourselves, as a whole, overcome domestic violence. The more we ignore the Purple Elephant in the room, the more we condone it’s existence. Silence = Death.

"Does It Matter If She's White?" - Interracial Dating In the Lesbian Community

does it matter if she's white?
does it matter
if sistahs and brothahs
look at me askance
not only cause she's a she
but cause she's white?

does it matter
if dykes of color even think there's something
wrong with me
some auntie Tom
in my soul
some self hate
that must exist
if I would choose
a white woman?
does it matter
if I try to justify
defend
if I point out that
my mother's white
so you see
it's only natural
any relationship I enter into
is necessarily interracial
By Dajenya

Dating and relating in the Lesbian community is hard enough with trying to navigate the outside negativity from society, family, even friends to finding your “type” - a woman who fulfills numbers 1-20 on your ILM (Ideal Lesbian Mate) checklist, but add the backlash from your fellow Lesbians to the mix and you have one hell of a reason to never want to date again!

Those of you who know me know that all of my relationships have been with women who identify as (or can pass for) Caucasian - by circumstance, not by preference. It’s disturbing within a community that is already discriminated against because of who we choose to have sex with, is so eager to discriminate against ourselves because of something as superficial as the color of ones skin. And it’s not just one sided. I’ve had African-American women accuse me of having a “color complex” or not “loving yourself enough” just because my lover is Caucasian. I remember one incident that occurred when my then girlfriend and I went to Phase in DC.

She was at the bar ordering our drinks while I watched a group of African-American women shoot pool. The women proceeded to flirt with me and strike up a conversation. One of them asked if I was single and before I could answer “No” my girlfriend came over to clarify if I wanted Patron Silver or Cuervo Silver (when in doubt bring me two shots of each!). She kissed me and that’s when the expressions on their faces changed and the conversation went from hot to cold. “I see that’s how you get down,” and “No wonder you talk all proper, you got a White chick on your arm.” Little did they know that the color of my girlfriends skin had nothing to do with the fact that I was raised to speak proper English and have been speaking this way since I was old enough to speak. And the fact that I chose to “get down” with this particular woman had nothing to do with her being Caucasian but with the fact that she and I had more in common than anyone I had been on dates with at the time - African American, Caucasian, Hispanic, Mixed.

Now I could be the proverbial Bitch, and throw around the fact that my mother is Caucasian and therefore it doesn’t matter whom I have a relationship with because I am never going to completely fit into the ethnic background of my lover, but is that really necessary or anyone’s business? I highly doubt it would make a difference.

My friends have told me stories of how they have come across Caucasian women who when asked out on a date have said “Sorry, I don’t date Black women.” WTF?!? I can understand someone saying they don’t tall women, short women, skinny women, obese women, etc but to sit there and eliminate a group of women from your dating prospects just because of the color of their skin is shallow and crazy. Stuff like this reminds me of the old “Brown Paper Bag Test” - if you’re lighter than this brown bag then I can take you home to Mommy & Daddy.

The Anti-Miscegenation Laws were deemed unconstitutional by the US Supreme Court in 1967 with the case of Loving v. Virginia. “To deny this fundamental freedom on so unsupportable a basis as the racial classifications embodied in these statutes, classifications so directly subversive of the principle of equality at the heart of the Fourteenth Amendment, is surely to deprive all the State's citizens of liberty without due process of law. The Fourteenth Amendment requires that the freedom of choice to marry not be restricted by invidious racial discrimination. Under our Constitution, the freedom to marry, or not marry, a person of another race resides with the individual and cannot be infringed by the State.”

In a time when the LGBT community is fighting for the right to legally marry their partners, it’s mind boggling as to why we, as a community, continue to impose and uphold discriminatory practices that only set us back, not forward.

One Of These Whooha's Is Not Like The Other - Lesbian GYN Blues

“One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn’t belong. Can you tell by the end of this song?” Or by the time I complete the review of your medical/sexual history?

Every time I go in for my annual pap smear or follow up appointment and the nurse or doctor begins to review my sexual history this song starts to play in my head. Why? Let’s review:

“Are you on birth control?”
“No.”
“Are you using condoms?”
“No.”
“Are you trying to get pregnant?”
“No.”
“Well you are setting yourself up for pregnancy by not taking precautions.”
“I’m not going to get pregnant.”
“What has lead you to believe this?”
“Because I don’t have sex with men.”
“Ever?”
“Never!”

Or my other favorite:


“I need you to pee in this cup.”
“Why?”
“We need to run a pregnancy test.”
“I’m not pregnant.”
“We need to be sure.”
“I am sure. I’m not pregnant.”
“And how can you be sure.”
“Because I’m a Lesbian. My partners aren’t that damn good.”

Women have been getting annual exams for centuries and I am quite sure there was a group of undisclosed Lesbians in there as well. My concern is that in the year 2011, it seems like gynecologist are still stumped about what to do with a Lesbian patient. Like my whooha is somehow in a special category for those that have never had a sperm toting penis shoved up it. “My lovers 8 inch strap on does me just fine. Thank you.” (in my stuck up JAP voice). I have all the same reproductive parts as the hetro-breeder in the exam room next to me, and I am sure I am at risk for about 90% of the same reproductive issues that effect women, regardless of sexual orientation, that she is too. So why the dumbfoundedness just because my lovers name is a feminine pronoun? Or the “I’m not sure what to do with this” blank stare because I have no need to prescribe to the conventional methods of birth control when I am already using the most effective method on the planet - LESBIANISM. My whooha deserves the same reproductive care as the next woman. The only difference is mines is prettier!

“Did you guess which thing was not like the others? Did you guess which thing just doesn’t belong?”