"There MUST Be Rules!": Migrating from Dating to Relationship

Spring has Sprung and Summer is on FIRE! As Usher says “So many girls that we need champagne...” No doubt my dating life has picked up and I have revamped my thinking on a lot of things.

Let’s face it, when it comes to dating and relationships, things tend to move VERY FAST for Lesbians. I don’t know if it’s fear of losing the woman you are dating to someone else, or the fear of being alone forever that drives Lesbians to jump into a relationship and U-Haul it before getting to know each other better than one or two dates.

When you’re young and naïve – c’mon we’ve all been there, sadly some of us still reside there – you get into things you probably shouldn’t be into out of lack of knowledge or just immature impulse. But when you wise up you tend to navigate dating a lot different than you would before. The average Lesbian goes on two dates with someone before the Declaration of Us is established. I’m not sure what goes down in this obviously post sex conversation, but rules for entering a relationship are met.

 Now I’m curious. What are the rules for going from dating to being in a relationship?

Good, Good, Giving it Up: For some people when they sleep together they are in a relationship. Now this could be a good thing if you really wait and take the time to get to know someone before giving up the cookies, but there are those of you (and you know who you are) who have sex on the first date. Are you then in a relationship after that?

Third Time’s a Charm: There are those who believe in the three date rule before having sex and anything after that is considered to be Girlfriend status. This is more understandable to me because if you are exclusively dating someone this long and you enjoy sleeping together and being together then why not don the GF status with the hope of achieving your MRS.

Lockdown Until Further Notice: Some women have a three date rule, others have a three month or more rule. They want to be sure they are getting involved with the right person so they withhold sex and their heart until they feel they can trust the other person. But this can backfire (and I have seen it happen more times than not) because no one wants to feel like they are jumping through hoops just for the possibility of being rejected anyway. Another scenario is the women who don’t want to give up their Player status so they withhold officially naming one woman as their Girlfriend and refer to them as “My Friend”.

What are my rules? I don’t have any! Why? Because every woman and every situation is different. Some women are fun to date, but horrible in relationships. And if you are lucky you come across the ones you can migrate from dating to a relationship.

Sex Room: Stripping & Pole Dancing

I’ve always admired and respected Strippers since my introduction to the movie The Players Club. I even dated one who worked for Daydreams for three months, although I only really did so just to be able to brag about dating a Stripper, I knew it would never go anywhere. But after delving into Pole Dance class (Got Pole? Located on 3^rd & South has some of the best instructors and classes for only $10.00 for a one hour group lesson) I have a newfound respect for women who drop it, pop it, twerk it, and climb the poles for a living.

One of my best friends is a retired Stripper, yes she hung up the boobs, booty, and pole last June at the age of 29 in favor of settling down and wanting to start a family with her current Mrs. Jen and I met when I was 18 and she had been dancing she was 19 as a form of supplemental income while she was in College and Grad School. Through her I learned all about the behind the scenes world of stripping i.e. house fee, attire requirements, rivalry between dancers, but it wasn’t until I took a Beginners Pole Dance class that I really got a firsthand experience into the art of stripping. Pole Dancing is a workout in itself as it requires you to be able to lift your body weight so you can climb and do different tricks and maneuvers.

Never ever, ever, ever wear lotion or body oils to class or a club. Why? Because you will constantly slide down the pole. If you know you are going to take Pole classes that evening do not apply lotion after you shower. I know, you don’t want to be ashy, but you also don’t want a huge bruise on your ass from hitting the floor. Trust, it hurts and it’s not pretty.

There is actually a method behind the madness of Clear Heels – they help you climb and stick to the Pole. How? The vinyl of the shoes actually is a good sticking agent for your initial climb (short climb) and helps you climb the pole higher for those sexy descends. Any “Stripper Store” i.e. Erogenous Zone or Lady Lord, will have a wide selection of these shoes available. For easier climbing experience buy a pair of calf high or knee high pleather boots.

If you’re going to make Pole Dancing apart of your weekly workout routine then you might as well go all in and purchase Pole Dancing attire. Translation – skimpy tops and booty shorts or costumes from said “Stripper Stores”. Looking the part, even if it is just for fun, always makes the experience more exciting.

Downside? The only problem, and guess this is not so much a problem as it is a Right of Stripper Passage, is the bruising and “Pole Burn”. Sliding down the pole causes major friction and friction leads to bruising. After my first class I had inner arm, inner thighs, outer leg bruises for a week. Believe it or not, real Strippers get bruised when they use the pole all the time. It’s the norm. The good news is once you get used to the Pole and your body strength increases the burn and bruises aren’t as bad.

Think Pole Dancing is just for the Skinny Bitches? Think again! There are plenty Plus Size and Thick Jawns (yes I said Jawns) rocking out on the Pole. Check out this one performance: Temptations Debut to Sex Room

Will I ever turn my workout routine into a Profession? Well in the words of my friend Amanda, “If AES doesn’t stop stalking me for my student loan money I’m going to have a new side hustle.”

La Familia: Dynamics In My Culturally/Social Class Mixed Family

I went to see “Jumping The Broom” about two weeks ago. It’s a great movie, even if the critics don’t think so, and I could actually relate to it as my Mother’s family are like the Watson’s and my Father’s family are like the Taylor’s. How was I raised? Like a Watson for majority of my life, then like a Taylor when I lived with my Father. But I still hold strong to core values from both social classes.

No doubt the movie got me thinking about my life in my own family being that I am openly Lesbian. My family is diverse in more ways than class. My Mother’s family is European and Jewish, my Father’s family is Hispanic and African-American with a religious mix of Catholicism and Baptism. So you can imagine some subtle confusion - There is no Jesus on Friday, but there is a Jesus on Sunday - but it wasn’t as bad as one may think. My Mother’s family was very high class. My Grandfather was one of the corporate attorneys for AT&T, my Grandmother taught Art at Marquette University so Country Clubs, shopping sprees in New York, and vacations overseas were not a foreign concept to them. My Father’s family worked in Healthcare or Contracting. He came from a family of 10 children so they were somewhere above the poverty level and on the lower totem pole of Middle Class. Blue Collar for sure.

Each lifestyle has it positives and draw backs. With my Mother I was exposed to a world of Country Clubs, frequent trips abroad due to invitations for her and my Step-Father to present research, frequent trips to Saks, Nordstrom’s, Bergdorf’s, and homes with pools, jacuzzis, and $100,000 pieces of art work. But I also was exposed to the reality that my Mother’s family is not close. They only see each other or communicate when there is a death or a wedding and even then it’s hard. With my Father’s family there are wonderful gatherings for just about every occasion, I have Aunts who are supportive and extremely helpful when it comes to my nursing studies, and I get to see my Grandparents whenever I want. But my Father’s family are not very worldly. They shun things that are unknown such as foods and new experiences, and they are just living to live instead of having dreams.

So how does me being openly Lesbian fit into all of this? Well, believe it or not, my Mother’s family is more accepting of me being a Lesbian. When I came out to them, although it wasn’t really coming out (I really hate that term, stay tuned for another blog post about it), they wanted to meet my partner, they wanted her to be apart of family functions and would even host family functions just to get to know her. My father’s family on the other hand threw Bible versus at me, and my own Grandmother insulted my partner in front of my face. My Father doesn’t even speak to me about my relationships let alone asks about my love life or my partners.

I have to be honest here, I expected it to be the other way around. I thought my Mother’s family would jump on their “We’re Levine’s and have an image to maintain" approach but surprisingly they have embraced me being openly Lesbian and support whatever decisions I make. Now I’m not saying that Mommy Dearest has liked every women I have dated. She’s still overprotective and neurotic (What do you expect? She’s Jewish!) but she respects me and acknowledges the fact that she will be gaining a daughter instead of losing one. My Father’s family still believes that this is a “phase” or I’m “still getting yourself together” as if this is some tranz to snap out of. I’m a Lesbian. Out. Proud. It is what it is. Get over yourselves.

Sex 101: Things Better Left Unsaid

We’re all adults who have done the do, gotten it in, whatever you want to call it. We’ve experienced it all - the good, the bad, the in between, and the occasional “Really, what the fuck was I thinking?!?” But some of us, you know who you are, need to be reminded of what I like to describe as sex etiquette. You know the things one is never supposed to do let alone say during sex. Let’s review, shall we:

1. “I thought you had the key to the handcuffs…”

I’m not sure which is worse in this situation - having to explain this to a lock smith or the fear of someone walking in on you while you are handcuffed to the bed or other apparatus. Bottom line, know where the main keys, spare keys, and jaws of life are at all times. I would hate to see you on the 6:00 AM news.

2. “Can you keep the moaning, screaming, heavy breathing to a minimum?”

Are you kidding me? This statement is probably one of the fastest ways to take your orgasm from 120 to 0 in two seconds flat. Sex is loud, raunchy, passionate, wild, and sometimes messy. You’re going to have the neighbors know my name moments and the sly “Did you sleep well?” comments from mothers and other family members. I remember one time an ex had her mother and brother stay with us for the weekend. Her mother goes to bed late and gets up early. The next morning we went out to the kitchen to have breakfast.

“Did you girls sleep okay?” her mother asks

“Yeah. But I’m starving.”

“Well after the night you two had I’m sure you worked up quite an appetite”

3. Being Overly Verbal

Miranda from Sex and the City said it best: “Because sex is not a time to chat. In fact, it's one of the few instances in my overly articulated, exceedingly verbal life where it is perfectly appropriate, if not preferable, to shut up. And now suddenly I have to worry about being stumped for conversation? No thank you.” I can understand the naughty comments here and there, but to expect a full fledge conversation or expect your partner to be completely verbal during sex is insane. No, I don’t want to talk about work, answer questions about light bulbs, or even negotiate. I just want to come. End of story.

4. “My ex used to do that a lot better than you…”

Want a quick way to kill someone’s ego and make them feel insecure in bed with you? Compare them to your ex. Sex between two people will never be the same. Yes you may do the same things but the technique is never the same. And I know we all have a person (or two) who has completely rocked our world (stay tuned for my post on the Lordess of My Labia) and will go down in the Sex Hall of Fame as The Best I Ever Had but there is no need to project those expectations on your current partner or you will be partnerless.

5. “Oops! Where did it go?”

This one is where I have heard it all.

"The dildo fell out of the harness" - Use the proper harness and “O” ring,

"The dildo won’t stay inside my girlfriend" - Get a longer length

"It’s hard to 69 in the dark" - Then turn on a damn light! Geez.

"I get neck cramps when I go down on my partner" - Prop her up with a pillow or switch positions

"My partner keeps falling out of the sex swing" - Strap her in tighter!

I love sex, I think it’s a wonderful thing but my motto has always been: Life is too short for bad sex. I don’t do bad sex and I have stopped dating someone because of it.

So what are some of things you would add to list above?

I'm So (Not) Hood

The weather is getting warmer and warmer which means more dating and mingling because lets be honest it’s too damn cold to date in the Winter, and Frosty and Stilettos don’t seem to get along. I don’t discriminate when it comes to love, a woman’s ethnicity is irrelevant to me but I have found that many women of color, more so African-American and Hispanic women discriminate against women like me. What am I referring to? “Black White Girls”, “W.G.I.T’s - White Girl In Training”, and I am sure there are plenty more names to describe the subset of African-American women who’s English is “polished” (speak proper English), love to rock American Eagle, Abercrombie & Finch, Aeropostle, and knows every single lyric to Vanessa Carlton’s “A Thousand Miles” as opposed to Trick Daddy’s “I’m a Thug”.

A while ago, I went on a date with an African-American woman who is an attorney. We were introduced by a mutual friend who thought we would be perfect for one another given an interest in law and neo-feminism. Before our date we had a few telephone conversations in which she commented “You really don’t have a Philly accent.” I shrugged it off as I have been told by many people that I don’t have a Philly/East Coast accent (whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean). We met for dinner at my favorite Indian restaurant, conversation flowed naturally, she inquired about my interest and points of view and I did the same. The next day she texts me to tell me that she enjoyed dinner. I told her that we can do it again if she is interested. Her response: “That’s cool BUT I don’t think we’re a good match. You’re not Black enough for me…” What do you mean I’m not Black enough? Is my complexion not dark enough? My hair not kinky enough? What is Black enough?

“You talk like a White girl…”

I’ve always talked this way, it is what it is

“You’re very comfortable around White people…”

And I should not be because?

“You don’t dress like other Black women…”

Do you mean I don’t dress like a video ho’ or some Ghetto Hot Mess?

“You don’t listen to Rap music…”

Nor do I listen to Heavy Metal or Twangy Country Western

“You don’t use slang or Ebonics…”

I was raised and taught to use proper English, weren’t you?

Just because I choose a style of dress that goes against the status quo in the African-American community and I shy away from using the “N” word or some other Ebonics terminology when I speak, doesn’t mean I am any less in tune with my African-American roots than the next woman. A friend of mine conveyed her dating experience to me recently. She is African-American and only dates Caucasian or Asian women because she feels as though the African-American community has ostracized her because of the way she speaks and carries herself. “Women of other cultures embrace me more than my own people. Yet the same women who make me feel uncomfortable about being me are the same ones who get upset when I have a White or Asian woman on my arm.”

This experience is not uncommon. At the end of the day, I am going to do and be me. I am not going to resort to the status qou behavior just to gain acceptance from a subset of people who believe I should conduct myself in a manner which I have been taught is inappropriate. So what if I talk, dress, act “White”, it has gotten me this far so I must being doing something right.

Maybe, Baby?

These past few months just about everyone I know is either having a baby or getting pregnant. All this baby popping and conceiving made the alarm in my head go off about a question I have been tussling with for a few years now - Give birth? Adopt? Both?

When I was younger, like most girls, I knew I wanted to have a child - a girl for sure. But when I realized I was a Lesbian I knew having a child in the conventional way was out of the question (Sorry Ladies, I am not one to take one for the Team). My only option was a donor. I have to admit the idea of not knowing my child’s father kind of freaked me out a bit. I mean what am I going to tell her when she asks about her father? Oh sweetie your Daddy is donor #19274. What the f**k! I did some research into the AI (Artificial Insemination) process and took on a whole new mentality - I can tailor make my baby! When I searched the donor list I discovered that there were many options to choose from - ethnicity, complexion, hair color, hair texture, eye color, education level (there’s a Graduate Donor’s list of men who have Graduate degrees and beyond), religion, and there is a celebrity look alike category which shows you pictures of the celebrities your potential donor looks like - Umm yes, I will take the Paul Walker look-a-like donor. I know we will make a beautiful daughter together! Don’t be fooled, AI is NOT a cheap process. Just one vial alone cost minimally $545.00 and that DOES NOT include shipping, storage, and insemination via a trained medical professional. And depending on your age and medical history you may need to do more than one insemination so the price triples and quadruples until you conceive.

The process of being pregnant and giving birth is an adventure unto itself, which is one of the reasons why adoption is appealing to me. The path I have set out for myself to complete in this lifetime is going to require me to work odd hours and even travel every 6 weeks during certain times of the year. Add a newborn to the equation and things can get virtually impossible. Having a school age child can make being a Superwoman/Super Mom a lot easier. I’ve always wanted to raise a strong, powerful, intelligent woman, and giving a girl a good home and nothing but unconditional love is something I would love to do. But as eager as I am to change the world one girl at a time, there are still hurdles - no matter how subtle or unspoken they may be - to adopting a Single Lesbian Woman. Many states won’t allow Lesbian couples to adopt children, and they are not to fond of the idea of Single Lesbians adopting children. You have to protect your rights and the rights of your child so you need an attorney on deck who is knowledgeable and understanding. And they don’t come cheap. There are home visit fees, which depending on if you adopt a child in foster care or a newborn can be completed by the State for free or can expect to pay anywhere from $1000-$5000. The good news: You can stick it to Uncle Sam because it’s all tax deductible. Adopting a child comes with a lot of perks, but I think the best one of all is that I can give a child a chance to have a semi-normal life filled with love and acceptance.

I’m definitely going to do both - give birth and adopt a child - but in what order, that is still left to be decided. No matter what road I choose to take first two things are certain: (1) The name of my blog will be changed to Sex and the Single Lesbian Mom, and (2) My child is going to have a wonderful group of people who love them just as much as I do, if not more.

Two's Company, But Is Three A Crowd?

Menage a Trois: A French term used to originally describe a domestic arrangement in which three people having sexual relations occupy a single household.


Leave it to the French to be very lax and innovative when it comes to love and sex. And by the way, they said PEOPLE, no gender specifications involved (No wonder they think America is so ass backwards. Go figure!).

Threesomes! Everyone has an opinion or story about them. You either love the idea or hate it, had the ultimate sexual experience or something you never want to experience again. Having a threesome, to me, is another level of sexual exploration and freedom.

I’ve heard about all kinds of threesomes - all women, all men, two women and a man, two men and a woman. No matter the combination they all require a certain degree of trust and understanding among the participants.

The argument has been made that if you’re married or in a serious committed relationship, a threesome can be a death sentence to the relationship as you know it. While that may be true in some cases, it’s not the gospel in all situations. Some people call it cheating - How is that the case when three consenting adults mutually agree to give themselves to each other? Or if the request/desire is one sided questions born out of insecurity - Am I enough, am I satisfying you? Are you still attracted to me? On the other hand there are couples that a threesome takes their sex life to a whole new level of passion, exploration, and excitement.

Finding the right participants can make the difference between a good threesome experience and a bad one. If you’re coupled up you should do this together, going on a kitty hunt without your Mrs. could have devastating results - Are you trying to lose your wife? Don’t pick a woman who is sexier than you! If you’re flying solo you get to decide if you want to play with two other solo people, or if you want to be the third to an established couple. Whatever the situation/arrangement everyone involved must have the same mindset and be comfortable with what is about to go down - figuratively and literally.

Have I ever had a threesome? No. But it’s something I want to do this lifetime. There is an offer on the table, yet I haven’t decided if I want to seal the deal…

Pro Lover - Casual Sex Revamped

Once upon a time I was one of those women who swore she would never have a one night stand, let alone casual sex. I had old fashion values when it comes to love and relationships and sex was always reserved for the relationship. Now I still won’t have a one night stand, but my thinking towards casual sex has changed.

It wasn’t until last summer that I delved into the arena of NSA sex. The woman, whom I will refer to as DS, and I went on a few dates and were very open and honest about what was going on in our lives at the moment. She was in the process of moving, making major life changing decisions about her career, and still had some lingering ex-factor issues. I, on the other hand, had taken on more responsibilities at work, was in the middle of my nursing studies, and also dealing with some lingering ex-factor issues. DS and I loved spending time together, loved sleeping together, but neither of us had the time (or desire at the moment) to get into a formal relationship. So we did it, literally and figuratively, we started a relationship based strictly on sex.

One of us would call or text - “Can I see you tonight?”, “What are you doing for lunch?” - and just like that we were together. If one of us needs a “date” for a work of formal function we ask the other to accompany us, outside of those rare occasions it’s a strictly sexual encounter. We follow the unspoken rules: don’t ask, don’t tell, no jealously, no drama, no expectations of fidelity. We have both agreed that if one of us finds someone we want to have a formal relationship with then out of respect for the other person our casual encounters must end.

Now just because I have revamped my thinking about casual sex doesn’t mean that I am totally against the idea of a formal relationship. I’m happily single but should the right woman come along I will gladly only give myself to her. But until then NSA casual sex will do.

I Do (Support Gay Marriage), But I Won't (Ever Get Married)

I know, I know, I know, this is a shocker to most of you. But YES, I’m a Lesbian who DOES NOT want to get married. HOWEVER, I do support the right for other members of the LGBT community to do so.

I’ve been in plenty of weddings and been to more than I can remember. I think they are a beautiful thing yet a lot of work for just one day. But it’s just not for me.

My mentality has always been that I don’t need a piece of paper or a ring (although it is a beautiful show piece - Look ya’ll, my ring had a baby! Toni Childs Insider) to make me be faithful and committed to my partner for the rest of my life. A marriage license does not guarantee fidelity or shield you against other issues that could be the cause of demise in your relationship. Let’s face it, if someone is going to be unfaithful a piece of paper is not going to stop them nor is it going to prevent an inevitable break up.

Ceremonies: The more I attend them the more I am certain that they, like the initial proposal, should be a private affair. A lot of couples write their own vows, a personal love letter to their wife to be, and they are spoken before hundreds of witnesses. Some may think it’s romantic to express your love in front of family and friends, but I equate it to the love I’d express to her via a personal email, a card, or text message. I’m sure I would never share a sexting message with hundreds of family and friends, so it makes no sense to share something that’s just as intimate.

So what am I willing to do? Have a big kick ass party to celebrate finding the love of my life and committing ourselves to each other forever. Some will argue that’s what a wedding is all about. But there will be no marriage license to sign, no ordained BFF officiating a ceremony, reading of vows, gowns, or the exchanging of rings. Just us two and an intimate group of family and friends who we hope will help us celebrate our love for many years to come.


I Love The Way You Lie...

DANI & ALICE

A Roberta Munroe Short Film

“If she ever tries to leave again I’ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire…” Sound familiar? For many it’s part of the eerie lyrics to the popular Eminem and Rhianna song, but for an unfortunate few they’re a constant threat from the person they love.

Contrary to popular belief, Domestic Violence is not just a straight thing or heterosexual issue. The rates of domestic violence in lesbian relationships is the same for women in heterosexual relationships, yet lesbian women do not report the incident, file for orders of protection, or press charges at the same rate as women in heterosexual relationships. Why? If you’ve ever been a victim of same sex domestic violence and have tried to take some legal action against your partner, I’m sure you have been met with some skepticism even out right disbelief from the justice system in this city:

“It’s just a simple Lovers quarrel.” But at what point does it become battering?

“Your lover must be very Butch or The man in the relationship.” Actually she’s a petite, feminine, stiletto wearing, lesbian.

“It should be easy for you to leave, it’s not like you’re married.” Single or Married, battered women’s syndrome knows no marital status.

Here is my personal experience: When I was 19 I was dating/living with a woman who, when she had one too many drinks, became very mean, nasty, and violent. One evening, after an argument about her infidelity, I decided to have a night out with my girls. I dressed to the nines, grabbed a credit card, car keys and spent the night restaurant hoping in NY and DC with three of my close friends. Not too long after midnight I got text message from a friend stating: “Your wife is going to fuck you up when you get home.” My response was “I know…” My crime: not answering her calls or text messages.

When I arrived home at 3:00 AM from my night out I knew what to expect - yelling and screaming followed by her grabbing me by my neck and pushing me against the wall. And that’s exactly what happened. Did I call the police? No. Did I press charges? No. But I did leave. She was never going to change, and although some call it subtle abuse, it was going to eventually escalate. Hitting is hitting, and it doesn’t matter if you have easily hidden bruises or if you end up in the emergency room, it’s all unacceptable.

On average, there are more domestic violence support services for women in heterosexual relationships than there are for women in same sex relationships. One of the reasons is because we (myself included) do not come forward out of fear, shame, or mistreatment from law enforcement but I think it’s up to the lesbian community to initiate programs and services geared towards helping ourselves, as a whole, overcome domestic violence. The more we ignore the Purple Elephant in the room, the more we condone it’s existence. Silence = Death.